I'm only human.

Hey,
A poem I wrote last summer. I was very low, I rode off on my motorbike sat down and everything started going through my head, so I thought right I will right a poem, I still feel like this but I have now got help so hopefully things will get better, I hope it does soon because I'm being so loose hope.

The wind blows through my hair,
The sun warms my face,
The fresh green grass against my skin,
Feels just as soft as lace,

The twittering of the birds,
Is all that I can hear,
Surrounding me,
Is the calming atmosphere,

This place of thought,
Is my own,
Were my thoughts,
Begin to be shown,

Thoughts of happiness,
And thoughts of pain,
Come back to haunt me,
Again and again,

I have to myself,
The perfect place,
And once again,
My mind does race,

So many feelings,
Are held within,
So many reasons,
And so many sins,

A meaningless tear,
Glides down my cheek,
So upset,
I can barely speak,

So many things,
Keep going on,
I dont know how much longer,
I can stay strong,

What is wrong with me?
I just dont know,
Fake a smile,
And put on a show,

I know what to do,
Deep down inside,
Accept the help,
I so often decline,

But im the girl,
Thats never upset,
So calm,relaxed,
Not known to fret,

Really this girl,
Isn't known at all,
Because she gets up,
After every fall,

But I'll carry on,
And struggle through,
I'll keep helping others,
Thats what I always do,

I tell myself,
The problems will pass,
Like the wind,
Through this grass,

To my normal state,
I do return,
Those thoughts are gone,
I'll never learn,

Such a mess,
It's all my fault,
If only I could talk,
I could sort things out,

Back to my life,
Back to my field,
Try and pretend,
My lifes not real,

The wind blows through my hair,
The sun warms my face,
The fresh green grass against my skin,
Feels just as soft as lace.

Hey,

This is another piece of writing that I did, it was probably October/ November time. It's a letter to Matt, the guy who died back in september, it was part of the whole 'healing process' and it did help a bit. Here it is....

Dear matt,
Its weird I knew exactly what I wanted to write when i thought about it, but now having the paper in front of me its hard.

The main thing is I want to say sorry. I dont know if you know, but I feel so bad for telling jan about what you did, it was me that made you loose your job. I should have known better, things werent good for you, with sarah* and joe* but I didnt think about that.

I know towards the end we didnt get along much or at all but I really do miss you, I think of you everyday, when I hear a funny jok or something happens that I know you would have liked or laughed at. You never really did anything to me, I had no reason to dislike you, but for some reason sometimes I did. I liked you for who you were, I saw past mistakes in the kitchen I saw past you job and saw you as a person. Those stories you told about the trouble you got into and those jokes you made about jack, I miss them so much.

I remember when mum told m, tuesday 12th september, when she told me i felt numb. I couldnt cry I couldnt do anything, most of all I didnt believe it, and to be honest I still dont. I dont want to believe your gone, everytime I think of you the pain is just as raw as it was the day I found out, a thudding right in the centre of my chest. I couldnt breath when mum told me, I just kept thinking it was my fault, it was suicide. I still dont know I mean the final say was that you had a heart attack, but that was only guessed from the newspaper clipping that was in the kitchen. I desperately want to know how you died, I want to find out what happened but nobody knows. I just hop eit wasnt painful, because even though you always got in fights that sort of pain was different.

I desperatley want you back, I know at times I really hated you, but I just cant remember the good times no matter how hard I try all I see are the bad things. Everyone else seems to have forgotten you and dont want to talk about you, the only things they do say are bad things, I hate it that you are not here to defend yourself because I know if you were you would. It may seem like everyones forgotten you and just swept you under the carpet but I swear I havent. i always thinks about your little boy i feel sorry for him, I feel selfish for feeling so upset about you when compared to him my pain is minimal. I feel like I have no right to be upset and its not my place to.

I wanted to come to your funeral, i was scared tgough, I didnt think anyone would know me, i didnt want to stand out from your friends and family. I couldnt ask mum either though,she thought and still thinks I've dealth with it and everythings fine. I dont know whether going would have been a good thing. maybe it would have just to say goodbye properly and make me face up to reality,that your not here, but sometimes I dont want to face up to it, sometimes i just imagine your in the kitchen preping up and when I go into work you'll be stood there, we'll ask how our day/week has been fill each other in, help each other out, then have such a laugh all evening.

You were like a big broher to me, I miss you so much. I want tomove on, when I tihnk about you I dont want to feel like I do, I want to remember all the laughs but instead i just feel upset and down. I know by moving on it wont mean forgetting you but for some reason I dont want to do it. Im so confused not knowing what to do, i try to imagine what you would say but I cant. I need some sort of finality, I want to write to your parents, ask them how you died, but I dont want to seem intrusive. I feel like its none of my business, I spoke to jan to see if she had their address but she didnt, then she told me you 'dad' was your step dad and she didnt know his last name so even if I did decide to write them I wouldnt be able to get their address.

Everytime I go into townI always think of you. I never knew where you lived but I always try to think where it was and look for a sign that might tell me like your bike. I keep imagining how you were found, I know your 'dad' found you but thats it. When I think about you and the fact you are not here it makes me feel so angry, I hate it so much, I want you back it sounds selfish but I do. You shouldn't have died you were to young, youhd your little boy, it wasnt fair! I know you had done some bad things but you didnt deserve what had happened. I never really saw into the personal side of your life, I mean I met your family, but never really got to know them, I cant stop wondering how they are getting on, how they are dealing with it, I feel nosey but for some reason I want to know, I want to be around people who knew you, not just people who saw you and that was it.

Nobody saw you like I did, yeh whatever you did in the past was in the past, like Jan and gordon you were their employee but never really spent much time with them. I hate the fact that I was given somebody who I could talk to , be open with, relax around and have such a great time, I had started to feel better, was feeling good. The you were taken away and things have gone down hill again. You were the first adult person who was my friend, not somebody who I knew through mum or dad or anyone else, and you were snatched away. I always think about how things would have turned out, if you hadnt got sacked would we have sorted out our differences or just carried on. I hate not ever being able to know that. I wonder what it would have been like if i had seen you after you lost your job. Would you be angry at me? Or would we have just started talking? I will never know and I can face that.

I feel unsure because I dont know why I'm upset so much, and miss you so much, when I really didnt like you at times. I never realised how much you meant to me. I remember te time that stag party came in. they were really rowdy and that bloke tried to come onto me, I came in the kitchen and your there with the rolling pin ready incase anything happened. When I think about the laughs we had I feel happy but then I tihnk that we'll never have those laughs or fun ever again. i should appreciate the fact that I got in the first place but I dont I just want more.

I want you back and I dont want to face up to reality that you never will be back, I'll never see you again, hear your laugh, listen to your jokes or even see you on your bike. The other day I heard that 'you got a text' ringtone and I immediately turned around thinking it was you. Even now when I hear a bike go past work, or see a bike or helmet that looks like yours I think its you. I used to get so annoyed when you left early and made me do all the cleaning stuff, but now I dont care it means nothing to me anymore. I miss your toot as you drive past on your bike going home. All your stories about drinkgin stinging nettle beer and god know whats else. I even miss you being late, the phone calls 'Im on my way' and that day you were really late, i cant believe you made it, you had something like 7 minutes to get ready for sunday lunch, you managed to do it and still have time to have your trademark fag and pint.

All those mistakes you made that had us in hysterics, I'd be crying with laughter. I still cant listen to some songs because they remind me of you, but I hope one day I will be able to. I cant listen to any of the darkness' songs, the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon by guns and roses or hazard. I remember the story behind each one. The darkness you would play over and over again I got so bored of it! YOu would sing to it terribly and not care if anyone out in the restaurant heard you. The guns and roses track was about you and your little boy, it was your song and you wanted it played at your funeral, ironic really, I wonder whether they did play it.If not what did they if anything. The hazard song I never understood what it was baout and you explained it to me.

Can you remember how dippy I was with the desserts and that time I burnt my finger? all you did was laugh, but then again I would have if it was you!! We laughed at things that were either serious and shouldnt have happened or needed sorting or something that wasnt even funny which made us laugh even more! I miss those times and I really dont think I will ever find someone like you, to laugh with or have fun with like I did with you. I wonder how long it will take me to feel happy when I think of you, when I think happy thoughts they always seem to be taken over by all the bad things that happened.

I would do anything to see you again, if only for a minute to just say sorry, I miss you, love you like a brother and to say goodbye. I talk to you when I cant sleep make jokes, tell you what I have done, I dont know if you hear, but its not the same as standing face to face, which I so desperatley deep down want to do.

I dont know how to cope with how Im feeling. I;ve never had to deal with feelings so intense as these before they make me feel sick at times, it hurts. I dont know how I should do this, get hrough it, I know theres probably not a right or wrong way for anyonre but I feel like there is no way at the moment.

I feel ready to get through it, I want to, but I dont want to aswell., I am so angry with the whole situation, why were you taken away?? I just feel like hitting something ot doing something when I think about the fact your not here, no matter how many times I write or say your not here, your dead, when you died I dont believe it. I miss you, Im so angry and I want you back.

Hey,
I am going to post some pieces of writing and poems I have written in here just so it could maybe make everything a clearer picture for myself and anyone who reads this. Some of it is quite old whilst other stuff is quite recent.

This is a piece of writing that I did a month or two ago, its part of the whole counselling thing and I needed to vent. Its about my mum and about how I feel about her, its kind of an intro to another post I'm planning on doind, I'm trying to work out what it is that stops me from telling her whats going on in my life so there will be a post about that at some point. Its quite...deep, and I suppose some would call it nasty but its how I feel and if I have got at least the smallest grip on that then thats all that matters to me. So here it is....

Just thinking about writing this and now actually doing it makes me so angry, it
makes my fists clench and my insides all knot up, i hate the way you have
control over me even though your nowhere near me. Thinking about you and the
fact that your supposed to be my mum makes my skin crawl. I dont see you as my
mum i just see you as someone who looks after me until im old enough to do it
myself. I cant stand it when people say its just a phase all mothers and
daughters go through it because i know its more than that.

I blame you for the way i feel, i feel as though your the one who started this, part of me
wants to tell you how down i am and how i feel just to make you realise what you
have done to me, but i know you dont care otherwise you wouldnt have done it in
the first place and you wouldnt just carry on doing it.

To me your a fake,pretending to feel things just for show, the way you act disgusts me, how at
home im nothing to you but when we are out and its time to impress you suddenly
take interest in me and my life. Thinking you know everything about it and
wanting to know everything about it, but you really dont know the half of it and
if you did i think it would scare you. Any feelings you show are just a mask,
you dont really care about me, all you care about is yourself thats obvious by
what you have done the past 4 years.

You expect me to tell you everything, be honest with you tell you if anythings wrong, whats the point if you'll only ignore it and just not care. Your attitude just winds me up, you have this image
that you think everyone likes and everyone is scared of you, by throwing a few
sarcastice comments it makes you centre of attention and your the main one 'back
on top again'. I dont understand what it is about this whole trying to prove
yourself thing you seem to think people like. It just makes you look stupid and
competitive. Everything is a competition for you, even when it comes to me, and
if your not the winner you just sulk.

When i was little and you and dad split up i needed you to actually be there for me not just pretend to be, you thought i didnt need you but if you had bothered to care you would have seen i really did and i might not even be in this mess right now. How can anyone in there right
mind think at 10 or 11 years old i was ready to deal with what you wanted me to,
god if you couldnt deal with it on your own how the hell did you expect me to?
The odd chat didnt hurt but you took it over the line and took it to far, and
now because of that i dont care about anything you say. I hate your words when
you talk to me, because thats all you have ever used me for, and thats how i
feel used, whenever you needed me you would come to me, and now when i really
need you most i cant even tell you because you made this one way barrier between
us where its all about you.

You just dont do what you did to me,your the one who has made me so unable to deal with things and talk about things because i never got the chance to try, i dont know how to do it. And even though you spent so much time telling me about everything in your life i dont know you at all, and to be honest i dont want to know you now because you have caused me so much
pain, you have made me hold so much anger and you have made me feel so unhappy,
and the worst thing about all of that is you dont even know it, and like
everything else about me you dont care. There is not a single person in my life
who i hate as much as you, i dont want to be near you, i dont want to live with
you, i dont want to listen to you put your words into my head leaving me no
space to think about my problems because believe it or not your not the only one
who felt everything when you and dad split up but you didnt even stop to think
about me it was all you you you.

Your a fake you pretend to care but you know really that the only person you really care about is yourself. I feel like im full of you, and your problems. Because you have spent so much time talking about yourself no matter how much i say i dont want to know you just
carry on. Ive given up telling you to stop telling me things i dont care about
instead i stand there and listen because otherwise you will sulk if i walk away.
I dont care about what you say anymore, as far as im concerned Ive heard enough.
I hate you so much and wish i didnt have to live with you, your poison and i
blame you for so much, if i had had the chance to deal with my own feelings and
learn how to cope with things i wouldnt have found other things so hard to deal
with.

There are no words to tell you how much i hate you, i get so angry with
you i just want to hit you or something else, how can you cause so much anger in
someone and not even know it? Hearing your name, imagining your face both makes
me feel sick to the stomach. I wish you were nothing to do with me, i wish you
were never my mum and i wish you would just leave before you do anything more to
hurt me or ruin my life.

Hey,
This post is going to be a little different from my usual, simply because I am doing this for a good friend of mine.

Basically she is campaigning to make Sex Education Compulsory, she has made a petition on the 10 Downing Street website and needs signatures in order to be able to take it to the Prime Minister and get it debated. Here are some facts that support her opinion that Sex Education should be compulsory.

STI’s - 1.5 million new cases are being diagnosed each year

Teenage pregnancy - 41,951 teenage pregnancies in 2002

One in every ten babies born in Britain is to a teenage mother.

Ofsted have stated that sex education is poor and patchy. Many schools have failed the ofsted inspections for sex education.

In many schools form tutors who don't have the right skills are teaching sex education, which leaves youths and the tutor embarrassed.

Everyone deserves the chance to be taught the correct information.

Some people are learning about puberty two to six years after they've experienced the onset!

Some people don't have any sex education at all.

Some people get the information from their friends, media or even by experimenting.

Myths about sex and pregnancy are everywhere. Some people believe that you can't get pregnant if you stand up whilst having sex or if it's your first time! The fact is – you can.

Sex education needs to be compulsory!

So I am asking you guys if you can take a little trip over to the website and sign the petition for her. I've even been kind and put the link right here for you, it will take no more than two minutes and it would really help make a difference to teenagers Sex Education.Here is the link http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/Sex-education/

Thank you! xxxx

Hey,
Well here is the update, I've been to the doctors and I'm feeling mixed up at the moment.

I had been feeling nervous all day and around 3 o'clock started getting really panicky, I was shaking and feeling really hot. It was even worse when I was in the waiting room, there was one person in front of me and they were running late. My dad waited in the car so I was in on my own.

I heard my name and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, I couldn't stop shaking as I opened the door, the doctor looked behing me and said "you managed to come on your own then?" I said yeh. She was really sympathetic and sensitive. She said so whats been happening for you, I was in there for about 15 minutes in total.

I explained about everything that had been going on, everything that had happened and made me feel really down, and as a result of that I find it hard to eat well. I described what it felt like to actually eat, that it felt like I was choking and that I felt sick afterwards, she thinks there may be something wrong with my gullet, I may have to have x-rays on my throat and maybe some sort of treatment.

She said that "she has no doubts that I am suffering from depression". I felt like I could have been sick at that moment, it was real, I had to realise that it wasn't pretend a proper doctor had just told me I had depression there was no more telling myself oh its just this that and the other. She told me that because of my age (15) she couldn't prescribe me anything because the ages 15-16 are a bit sketchy when it comes to medication, because it has been thought that it doesn't have much affect, so until im 16 I shouldn't really be prescribed anything. Although she is going to talk to a pyshciatrist and see what they say about it all. I may have to have different counselling frmo the practice and have something more in depth than counselling.

So yeh....Thats that then, I have got to go back on the 30th march about the whole x-ray thing and she will tell me what the other people say abotu my depression. I feel like I havent done anything by going to the doctors but I guess if something develops out of her talking to the other professionals the ball might get rolling a bit more.

I text my mum to tell her what was said and I just put:

"Hey, she thinks my headaches are to do with stress, like exams and everything, shes gonig to talk to someone about them. She thinks I might have something wrong with my gullet so might have to have something done with that. Got to see her again at the end of march. X x"

She didn't text back but she did ring. She wants to come in with my next time, obviously I dont want that!! I am going to try and say that I will walk down after school then get a lift back with Bex or someone. I might just have to turn round and say I went in on my own last time can I not do the same this time?? Eesh I'm scared about that now.

So right now I'm feeling all over the place, mixed up and wishy washy. I feel scared about the appointment even though its ages away in march. I feel nervous about being thrown into the 'mental health system' as the doctor said. I am scared about where all this will lead where it will go. I'm confused about what will happen next. I feeling everything at the moment. To be honest I just want to cry, I really feel like I could totally break down right now, hide from the world and not neccesarily bother to come back. I am feeling so wound up angry even. About the whole thing about how bad things have got what I have had to resort to. I just want to scream, hit something or get drunk!!

I will probably be updating a bit more often the next couple of days because no doubt I will be thinking about things and there will be different things coming up that I need to get out.

So there, its done and now all that I can see ahead of me is a long downward spiral into oblivion, sometimes that seems scary and other times it seems inviting and relieving, at the moment, I wish I could just jump in and not come out until I am 100% ready to do so.

Anyway thats it for now. Take care and thanks for all your support. xxxx

Hey,
Just a little update on what I've been up to and how I've been feeling.

Lastnight I saw mum when we took my brother back from here (dads). He really wanted to stay I think it was because I was staying and he wasn't. He had to go home though because he was going shopping with mum today. Anyway he went home, and then I came back here. It was a bit of an odd evening, I felt out of place because I wasn't 'supposed' to be here, normally I would have gone home. We watched a bit of television, and as the evening went on I felt a but more comfortable. It was strange because I hadn't felt out of place during the weekend, perhaps because it was normal for me to be down at the weekend, but as soon as my brother went home the feeling kind of took over.

I went to bed, and after making the decision to turn my alarm off completely and have a lie in, I settled down to go to sleep. I was thinking and came to the conclusion that I should not feel guilty for staying with my dad because if it was a problem he would have said no. It is my home as well as his and his girlfriends, so I made a promise to enjoy my time down here rather than worry if I am in the way. After deciding this today has been alot easier and I have been able to concentrate on doing things like homework. I managed to complete my practice maths paper and find my tube for DT,which is a little bit off my list.

This is my list for all the work I have to do this half term. After missing out on so much due to counselling or other meetings I have alot of work that needs to be caught up on and done, so I am trying to get as much done as possible this half term:

Maths
Exam paper
Revision notes
Statistics coursework
Algebra coursework

English
Inspector calls notes
Character profiles
Exam paper/questions

Health and Social Care
Portfolio work
Assignment work

Design Tech
Sort out folder
Find tube

French
Do question sheets
Practice speaking

ICT
Revision notes

I woke up this morning, well saying that this afternoon, at 10 to 1. Disgusting I know but what are the holidays for right? I obviously needed it because I wouldn't have slept right through, like I did. I went and saw my gran and grandad and did a few other little bits, and popped to the shop with dad.

Anyway the reason I am annoyed, I never knew you could suffer from hayfever this time of year, but yes you can. Over the weekend my nose was a bit blocked up and I had a bit of a sinus headache. I put it down just to a cold coming or something. But today its got worse, my nose wont stop running, my throat is tickly, I have been sneezing all day non stop. My headache is worse and my eyes keep streaming. So yeh...hayfever it sucks.

Tommorrows the big day, I haven't really let myself think about it to much because I know it will only work me up, whether I will sleep tonight I do not know. I am still scared, and trying to think up reasons that I can tell my mum incase they do put me on medication for my depression. But it will be over before I know it, thats what i keep telling myself theres no point working myself up about it, just get in say what I've got to say, then worry about the rest of it afterwards. So wish me luck! I will update when I have got back.

Bye for now. xxx

Hey,
I am feeling slightly nervous and very scared at the moment (hence the post title). So here's the story...

Basically the last post was written after finding out a friend of mine had been to the pastoral support partner at school about her concerns about my eating. I was called into the PSP's office yesturday and we talked for a bit and she gave me some information on eating disorders.

I was kinda worked up after seeing her, and whilst walking in the corridor my counsellor stopped me and said I was looking down and upset. I told her that my friend had talked to the PSP and she had talked to me earlier that day. She asked me to come and have a chat in her room and it all sort of happened after that.

I was honest with her and told her that I was concerned about my own eating and that it was confusing me! I already have a doctors appointment next tues anyway for my headaches, and my counsellor said I needed to tell the doctor how down I have been feeling and about my weight. I was scared because I didnt want to tell the doctor because my mum was taking me and she ALWAYS comes in the room, and it simply wasn't worth the hassle and all the questions if I asked her to not come in the room.

Me and the counsellor ended up going to speak to the students and families co-ordinator and he said that I really needed to go to the doctors. He is in contact with the doctor I have the appointment with, and he said he could phone her, and ask her to say that she needs a word with me in private if my mum comes in. I was confused and didn't have a clue what I wanted to do. It was so intimidating with both my counsellor and the SAFC there. So he left me to make the decision at home that evening and go and tell him my choice the next day (which is now today)

When I got home I spoke to mum and said seeings as though I am down dads net week he might as well take me to the doctors, it could be easier and less hassle, she agreed to let dad take me. Hopefully my dad wont want to come in with me which means I can tell the doctor how I have been feeling and whats going on with the eating, and who knows they might be able to help?

I went to see the teacher earlier and told him my decision, I told him my fears about freezing up and not being able to tell her everything, so he has phoned her and told her the basic details about what I am going to talk to her about. So hopefully thats that cleared up a bit.

So I'm here now, with just the fact that I've got to talk to the doctor on tuesday going through my head. I'm nervous I've never been to the doctor on my own even thought I'm nearly 16. I havent got to worry about freezing up now, but I am still nervous and scared of something. But there's also part of me that just wants to get it over with now, so I dont have to keep thinking about it and its done.

I break up for half term today, I've decided that I am staying at my dads (as mentioned earlier) seeings as though I have been argueing with mum, it seems like the perfect time to get away from her. I am planning to do lots of school work and catch up with that aspect of things. I have got to work here and there but I will be relaxing as well, maybe get out and take some photos.

Anyway for now, thats it. Speak soon. xxxx

Hey,
There is something I really need to get off my chest, put out in the open and try and work out a few things.Theres an issue thats been bugging me and is now upsetting me- My eating habits.

I guess it all started back in summer, where I was working split shifts, usually 12-3 and then 6-10/11. I would get home be exhausted and just crash in bed or have a bath for an hour or so, do something else then off to work again. When I got home just after finishing I never felt like eating it was the wrong time of day and it felt out of place eating then. So I wasnt eating perhaps as much as I should have been. My body got used to this and after the summer I have never really got back into the routine of eating.

During that summer I obviously started to loose weight, people started saying to me "Ooo you;ve lost weight" and " your looking alot healthier, toned up" etc etc. At first I thought oh my god its getting notcieable, I'm losing weight without even trying. My mum began to get on my back, asking me whether I was eating whether I had a problem with eating, of course I would say no its just down to working alot and being out all the time. She was convinced...

So time goes on and just before last christmas thoughts started going through me head, in what sounds like a sick way I enjoyed getting those comments, they scared me at first because I knew that people were noticing what was happening to my body. But without those comments I led myself to believe I was fatter than others and that I should tone up. It started with the odd exercise here and there, holding my stomach in whenever I could things like that. It wasn't hurting and I toned up rather than lost weight.

Over christmas things were fine (or so I thought) I was eating as much due to being so busy but didnt mind because I was going to be eating alot over christmas to make up for it. After a while I started to think of it in a different light though, I cant eat because I am going to eat so much over christmas. IT felt strange because its not like I want to be thin, I see pictures of people that are dangerously thin, I am not trying to be like them yet when I see them there is something I am attracted to.

And what leads me to writing this post is the thoughts that have been going through my head the last few weeks or so. It is becoming harder and harder to eat food, look at it even. Wanting to eat makes me feel greedy and disgusting, and when I do eat something I feel terrible afterwards. Before it was a physical thing I couldn't eat because I felt sick afterwards, and I convinced and lied to myself that thats what it was, but after thinking about it being true and honest to myself I realised alot of it is in my head, my messed up one at that.

I need control over my life, there are so many aspects of it that are out of my reach, that I cannot have any grip over and sometimes cant even understand. My decision about what to eat or what not to eat is mine nobody can influence it, I understand the depths of it. Yet there is the other side of it, where I am not in control I cannot control my thinking, the downward spiral of trying to force myself to eat yet for some reason so desperatelt not wanting to. At times I feel like I know exactly why I am doing this to me, then other times I am so confused it scares me. I don't want to become ill, yet the whole issue is inviting. I tell myself I should be strong I have learnt to deal with other things so I should stop being so weak and learn to deal with this.

Last night I crashed, the last couple of days have been difficult for me, I started eating everything I could find chocolate, crisps sweets anything. I sat there afterwards feeling sick, disgusting and so guilty. I felt stupid for what I had just done, I hadn't even been hungry, I just kept asking myself what the hell is wrong with me? Again at this time I was so confused. I felt I had lost control I needed it back and fast.

Pretty much everything about me is what I would call organised, I am a perfectionist, at times a riduclous perfectionist, I guess this hunger (ironic that is the word that best describes it) for perfection has now begun to run into my body, the way I feel about it. Sometimes I look in the mirror after trying dozens of outfits on thinking this doesnt hand right, by butt looks big in this my stomach looks pudgy, yet I would consider myself happy with my body and its shape, but something still makes me do this to myself.

I feel embarrased for doing this, I look at people who are far worse than what I am and wonder whether I am making this up, I convince myself its not real what I am doind is a cry for attention when I know really that it isn't, I don't know what it is, and that scares me that something so powerful can take over me and change my state of mind, the way I think and mostly the things I do.

There are so many extreme opposites that confuse me so much, they leave me thinking I am in total control of my thoughts and actions one minute and then the nest I have lost it and am doing something I never dreamed of or something I simply didn't want to do.

So yeh, until next time. xxx

Hey,
Well, I suppose I should start this off with a brief introduction about myself, thats if anyone will be bothered to read this or care about it.

I'm 15, I live in England- Cornwall, and yeh things are hard sometimes, no strike that- alot of the time. Since the age of about 12 I have been down/low/depressed what ever you want to call it. I really struggle sometimes just to get through the day and often wonder why I bother.

There have been a number of things that have affected me and made me feel this way some of which include:
My mum and dad splitting up
My grandad having a stroke
My dad having a serious car accident when I was 6
My mum using me as someone to talk to about adult issues
A work mate dying back in septmeber past year

So yeh thats the basic outline of it, I will probably add poems and stuff to this blog it is going to be somewhere I can just totally release anything and everything I want to.

Bye for now
xxxx