Hey,
There is something I really need to get off my chest, put out in the open and try and work out a few things.Theres an issue thats been bugging me and is now upsetting me- My eating habits.
I guess it all started back in summer, where I was working split shifts, usually 12-3 and then 6-10/11. I would get home be exhausted and just crash in bed or have a bath for an hour or so, do something else then off to work again. When I got home just after finishing I never felt like eating it was the wrong time of day and it felt out of place eating then. So I wasnt eating perhaps as much as I should have been. My body got used to this and after the summer I have never really got back into the routine of eating.
During that summer I obviously started to loose weight, people started saying to me "Ooo you;ve lost weight" and " your looking alot healthier, toned up" etc etc. At first I thought oh my god its getting notcieable, I'm losing weight without even trying. My mum began to get on my back, asking me whether I was eating whether I had a problem with eating, of course I would say no its just down to working alot and being out all the time. She was convinced...
So time goes on and just before last christmas thoughts started going through me head, in what sounds like a sick way I enjoyed getting those comments, they scared me at first because I knew that people were noticing what was happening to my body. But without those comments I led myself to believe I was fatter than others and that I should tone up. It started with the odd exercise here and there, holding my stomach in whenever I could things like that. It wasn't hurting and I toned up rather than lost weight.
Over christmas things were fine (or so I thought) I was eating as much due to being so busy but didnt mind because I was going to be eating alot over christmas to make up for it. After a while I started to think of it in a different light though, I cant eat because I am going to eat so much over christmas. IT felt strange because its not like I want to be thin, I see pictures of people that are dangerously thin, I am not trying to be like them yet when I see them there is something I am attracted to.
And what leads me to writing this post is the thoughts that have been going through my head the last few weeks or so. It is becoming harder and harder to eat food, look at it even. Wanting to eat makes me feel greedy and disgusting, and when I do eat something I feel terrible afterwards. Before it was a physical thing I couldn't eat because I felt sick afterwards, and I convinced and lied to myself that thats what it was, but after thinking about it being true and honest to myself I realised alot of it is in my head, my messed up one at that.
I need control over my life, there are so many aspects of it that are out of my reach, that I cannot have any grip over and sometimes cant even understand. My decision about what to eat or what not to eat is mine nobody can influence it, I understand the depths of it. Yet there is the other side of it, where I am not in control I cannot control my thinking, the downward spiral of trying to force myself to eat yet for some reason so desperatelt not wanting to. At times I feel like I know exactly why I am doing this to me, then other times I am so confused it scares me. I don't want to become ill, yet the whole issue is inviting. I tell myself I should be strong I have learnt to deal with other things so I should stop being so weak and learn to deal with this.
Last night I crashed, the last couple of days have been difficult for me, I started eating everything I could find chocolate, crisps sweets anything. I sat there afterwards feeling sick, disgusting and so guilty. I felt stupid for what I had just done, I hadn't even been hungry, I just kept asking myself what the hell is wrong with me? Again at this time I was so confused. I felt I had lost control I needed it back and fast.
Pretty much everything about me is what I would call organised, I am a perfectionist, at times a riduclous perfectionist, I guess this hunger (ironic that is the word that best describes it) for perfection has now begun to run into my body, the way I feel about it. Sometimes I look in the mirror after trying dozens of outfits on thinking this doesnt hand right, by butt looks big in this my stomach looks pudgy, yet I would consider myself happy with my body and its shape, but something still makes me do this to myself.
I feel embarrased for doing this, I look at people who are far worse than what I am and wonder whether I am making this up, I convince myself its not real what I am doind is a cry for attention when I know really that it isn't, I don't know what it is, and that scares me that something so powerful can take over me and change my state of mind, the way I think and mostly the things I do.
There are so many extreme opposites that confuse me so much, they leave me thinking I am in total control of my thoughts and actions one minute and then the nest I have lost it and am doing something I never dreamed of or something I simply didn't want to do.
So yeh, until next time. xxx
My mum and dad splitting up