Hey,
Well here is the update, I've been to the doctors and I'm feeling mixed up at the moment.
I had been feeling nervous all day and around 3 o'clock started getting really panicky, I was shaking and feeling really hot. It was even worse when I was in the waiting room, there was one person in front of me and they were running late. My dad waited in the car so I was in on my own.
I heard my name and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, I couldn't stop shaking as I opened the door, the doctor looked behing me and said "you managed to come on your own then?" I said yeh. She was really sympathetic and sensitive. She said so whats been happening for you, I was in there for about 15 minutes in total.
I explained about everything that had been going on, everything that had happened and made me feel really down, and as a result of that I find it hard to eat well. I described what it felt like to actually eat, that it felt like I was choking and that I felt sick afterwards, she thinks there may be something wrong with my gullet, I may have to have x-rays on my throat and maybe some sort of treatment.
She said that "she has no doubts that I am suffering from depression". I felt like I could have been sick at that moment, it was real, I had to realise that it wasn't pretend a proper doctor had just told me I had depression there was no more telling myself oh its just this that and the other. She told me that because of my age (15) she couldn't prescribe me anything because the ages 15-16 are a bit sketchy when it comes to medication, because it has been thought that it doesn't have much affect, so until im 16 I shouldn't really be prescribed anything. Although she is going to talk to a pyshciatrist and see what they say about it all. I may have to have different counselling frmo the practice and have something more in depth than counselling.
So yeh....Thats that then, I have got to go back on the 30th march about the whole x-ray thing and she will tell me what the other people say abotu my depression. I feel like I havent done anything by going to the doctors but I guess if something develops out of her talking to the other professionals the ball might get rolling a bit more.
I text my mum to tell her what was said and I just put:
"Hey, she thinks my headaches are to do with stress, like exams and everything, shes gonig to talk to someone about them. She thinks I might have something wrong with my gullet so might have to have something done with that. Got to see her again at the end of march. X x"
She didn't text back but she did ring. 
She wants to come in with my next time, obviously I dont want that!! I am going to try and say that I will walk down after school then get a lift back with Bex or someone. I might just have to turn round and say I went in on my own last time can I not do the same this time?? Eesh I'm scared about that now.
So right now I'm feeling all over the place, mixed up and wishy washy. I feel scared about the appointment even though its ages away in march. I feel nervous about being thrown into the 'mental health system' as the doctor said. I am scared about where all this will lead where it will go. I'm confused about what will happen next. I feeling everything at the moment. To be honest I just want to cry, I really feel like I could totally break down right now, hide from the world and not neccesarily bother to come back. I am feeling so wound up angry even. About the whole thing about how bad things have got what I have had to resort to. I just want to scream, hit something or get drunk!!
I will probably be updating a bit more often the next couple of days because no doubt I will be thinking about things and there will be different things coming up that I need to get out.
So there, its done and now all that I can see ahead of me is a long downward spiral into oblivion, sometimes that seems scary and other times it seems inviting and relieving, at the moment, I wish I could just jump in and not come out until I am 100% ready to do so.
Anyway thats it for now. Take care and thanks for all your support. xxxx
