Hey,
This is another piece of writing that I did, it was probably October/ November time. It's a letter to Matt, the guy who died back in september, it was part of the whole 'healing process' and it did help a bit. Here it is....
Dear matt,
Its weird I knew exactly what I wanted to write when i thought about it, but now having the paper in front of me its hard.
The main thing is I want to say sorry. I dont know if you know, but I feel so bad for telling jan about what you did, it was me that made you loose your job. I should have known better, things werent good for you, with sarah* and joe* but I didnt think about that.
I know towards the end we didnt get along much or at all but I really do miss you, I think of you everyday, when I hear a funny jok or something happens that I know you would have liked or laughed at. You never really did anything to me, I had no reason to dislike you, but for some reason sometimes I did. I liked you for who you were, I saw past mistakes in the kitchen I saw past you job and saw you as a person. Those stories you told about the trouble you got into and those jokes you made about jack, I miss them so much.
I remember when mum told m, tuesday 12th september, when she told me i felt numb. I couldnt cry I couldnt do anything, most of all I didnt believe it, and to be honest I still dont. I dont want to believe your gone, everytime I think of you the pain is just as raw as it was the day I found out, a thudding right in the centre of my chest. I couldnt breath when mum told me, I just kept thinking it was my fault, it was suicide. I still dont know I mean the final say was that you had a heart attack, but that was only guessed from the newspaper clipping that was in the kitchen. I desperately want to know how you died, I want to find out what happened but nobody knows. I just hop eit wasnt painful, because even though you always got in fights that sort of pain was different.
I desperatley want you back, I know at times I really hated you, but I just cant remember the good times no matter how hard I try all I see are the bad things. Everyone else seems to have forgotten you and dont want to talk about you, the only things they do say are bad things, I hate it that you are not here to defend yourself because I know if you were you would. It may seem like everyones forgotten you and just swept you under the carpet but I swear I havent. i always thinks about your little boy i feel sorry for him, I feel selfish for feeling so upset about you when compared to him my pain is minimal. I feel like I have no right to be upset and its not my place to.
I wanted to come to your funeral, i was scared tgough, I didnt think anyone would know me, i didnt want to stand out from your friends and family. I couldnt ask mum either though,she thought and still thinks I've dealth with it and everythings fine. I dont know whether going would have been a good thing. maybe it would have just to say goodbye properly and make me face up to reality,that your not here, but sometimes I dont want to face up to it, sometimes i just imagine your in the kitchen preping up and when I go into work you'll be stood there, we'll ask how our day/week has been fill each other in, help each other out, then have such a laugh all evening.
You were like a big broher to me, I miss you so much. I want tomove on, when I tihnk about you I dont want to feel like I do, I want to remember all the laughs but instead i just feel upset and down. I know by moving on it wont mean forgetting you but for some reason I dont want to do it. Im so confused not knowing what to do, i try to imagine what you would say but I cant. I need some sort of finality, I want to write to your parents, ask them how you died, but I dont want to seem intrusive. I feel like its none of my business, I spoke to jan to see if she had their address but she didnt, then she told me you 'dad' was your step dad and she didnt know his last name so even if I did decide to write them I wouldnt be able to get their address.
Everytime I go into townI always think of you. I never knew where you lived but I always try to think where it was and look for a sign that might tell me like your bike. I keep imagining how you were found, I know your 'dad' found you but thats it. When I think about you and the fact you are not here it makes me feel so angry, I hate it so much, I want you back it sounds selfish but I do. You shouldn't have died you were to young, youhd your little boy, it wasnt fair! I know you had done some bad things but you didnt deserve what had happened. I never really saw into the personal side of your life, I mean I met your family, but never really got to know them, I cant stop wondering how they are getting on, how they are dealing with it, I feel nosey but for some reason I want to know, I want to be around people who knew you, not just people who saw you and that was it.
Nobody saw you like I did, yeh whatever you did in the past was in the past, like Jan and gordon you were their employee but never really spent much time with them. I hate the fact that I was given somebody who I could talk to , be open with, relax around and have such a great time, I had started to feel better, was feeling good. The you were taken away and things have gone down hill again. You were the first adult person who was my friend, not somebody who I knew through mum or dad or anyone else, and you were snatched away. I always think about how things would have turned out, if you hadnt got sacked would we have sorted out our differences or just carried on. I hate not ever being able to know that. I wonder what it would have been like if i had seen you after you lost your job. Would you be angry at me? Or would we have just started talking? I will never know and I can face that.
I feel unsure because I dont know why I'm upset so much, and miss you so much, when I really didnt like you at times. I never realised how much you meant to me. I remember te time that stag party came in. they were really rowdy and that bloke tried to come onto me, I came in the kitchen and your there with the rolling pin ready incase anything happened. When I think about the laughs we had I feel happy but then I tihnk that we'll never have those laughs or fun ever again. i should appreciate the fact that I got in the first place but I dont I just want more.
I want you back and I dont want to face up to reality that you never will be back, I'll never see you again, hear your laugh, listen to your jokes or even see you on your bike. The other day I heard that 'you got a text' ringtone and I immediately turned around thinking it was you. Even now when I hear a bike go past work, or see a bike or helmet that looks like yours I think its you. I used to get so annoyed when you left early and made me do all the cleaning stuff, but now I dont care it means nothing to me anymore. I miss your toot as you drive past on your bike going home. All your stories about drinkgin stinging nettle beer and god know whats else. I even miss you being late, the phone calls 'Im on my way' and that day you were really late, i cant believe you made it, you had something like 7 minutes to get ready for sunday lunch, you managed to do it and still have time to have your trademark fag and pint.
All those mistakes you made that had us in hysterics, I'd be crying with laughter. I still cant listen to some songs because they remind me of you, but I hope one day I will be able to. I cant listen to any of the darkness' songs, the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon by guns and roses or hazard. I remember the story behind each one. The darkness you would play over and over again I got so bored of it! YOu would sing to it terribly and not care if anyone out in the restaurant heard you. The guns and roses track was about you and your little boy, it was your song and you wanted it played at your funeral, ironic really, I wonder whether they did play it.If not what did they if anything. The hazard song I never understood what it was baout and you explained it to me.
Can you remember how dippy I was with the desserts and that time I burnt my finger? all you did was laugh, but then again I would have if it was you!! We laughed at things that were either serious and shouldnt have happened or needed sorting or something that wasnt even funny which made us laugh even more! I miss those times and I really dont think I will ever find someone like you, to laugh with or have fun with like I did with you. I wonder how long it will take me to feel happy when I think of you, when I think happy thoughts they always seem to be taken over by all the bad things that happened.
I would do anything to see you again, if only for a minute to just say sorry, I miss you, love you like a brother and to say goodbye. I talk to you when I cant sleep make jokes, tell you what I have done, I dont know if you hear, but its not the same as standing face to face, which I so desperatley deep down want to do.
I dont know how to cope with how Im feeling. I;ve never had to deal with feelings so intense as these before they make me feel sick at times, it hurts. I dont know how I should do this, get hrough it, I know theres probably not a right or wrong way for anyonre but I feel like there is no way at the moment.
I feel ready to get through it, I want to, but I dont want to aswell., I am so angry with the whole situation, why were you taken away?? I just feel like hitting something ot doing something when I think about the fact your not here, no matter how many times I write or say your not here, your dead, when you died I dont believe it. I miss you, Im so angry and I want you back.
