Hey,
I am going to post some pieces of writing and poems I have written in here just so it could maybe make everything a clearer picture for myself and anyone who reads this. Some of it is quite old whilst other stuff is quite recent.
This is a piece of writing that I did a month or two ago, its part of the whole counselling thing and I needed to vent. Its about my mum and about how I feel about her, its kind of an intro to another post I'm planning on doind, I'm trying to work out what it is that stops me from telling her whats going on in my life so there will be a post about that at some point. Its quite...deep, and I suppose some would call it nasty but its how I feel and if I have got at least the smallest grip on that then thats all that matters to me. So here it is....
Just thinking about writing this and now actually doing it makes me so angry, it
makes my fists clench and my insides all knot up, i hate the way you have
control over me even though your nowhere near me. Thinking about you and the
fact that your supposed to be my mum makes my skin crawl. I dont see you as my
mum i just see you as someone who looks after me until im old enough to do it
myself. I cant stand it when people say its just a phase all mothers and
daughters go through it because i know its more than that.
I blame you for the way i feel, i feel as though your the one who started this, part of me
wants to tell you how down i am and how i feel just to make you realise what you
have done to me, but i know you dont care otherwise you wouldnt have done it in
the first place and you wouldnt just carry on doing it.
To me your a fake,pretending to feel things just for show, the way you act disgusts me, how at
home im nothing to you but when we are out and its time to impress you suddenly
take interest in me and my life. Thinking you know everything about it and
wanting to know everything about it, but you really dont know the half of it and
if you did i think it would scare you. Any feelings you show are just a mask,
you dont really care about me, all you care about is yourself thats obvious by
what you have done the past 4 years.
You expect me to tell you everything, be honest with you tell you if anythings wrong, whats the point if you'll only ignore it and just not care. Your attitude just winds me up, you have this image
that you think everyone likes and everyone is scared of you, by throwing a few
sarcastice comments it makes you centre of attention and your the main one 'back
on top again'. I dont understand what it is about this whole trying to prove
yourself thing you seem to think people like. It just makes you look stupid and
competitive. Everything is a competition for you, even when it comes to me, and
if your not the winner you just sulk.
When i was little and you and dad split up i needed you to actually be there for me not just pretend to be, you thought i didnt need you but if you had bothered to care you would have seen i really did and i might not even be in this mess right now. How can anyone in there right
mind think at 10 or 11 years old i was ready to deal with what you wanted me to,
god if you couldnt deal with it on your own how the hell did you expect me to?
The odd chat didnt hurt but you took it over the line and took it to far, and
now because of that i dont care about anything you say. I hate your words when
you talk to me, because thats all you have ever used me for, and thats how i
feel used, whenever you needed me you would come to me, and now when i really
need you most i cant even tell you because you made this one way barrier between
us where its all about you.
You just dont do what you did to me,your the one who has made me so unable to deal with things and talk about things because i never got the chance to try, i dont know how to do it. And even though you spent so much time telling me about everything in your life i dont know you at all, and to be honest i dont want to know you now because you have caused me so much
pain, you have made me hold so much anger and you have made me feel so unhappy,
and the worst thing about all of that is you dont even know it, and like
everything else about me you dont care. There is not a single person in my life
who i hate as much as you, i dont want to be near you, i dont want to live with
you, i dont want to listen to you put your words into my head leaving me no
space to think about my problems because believe it or not your not the only one
who felt everything when you and dad split up but you didnt even stop to think
about me it was all you you you.
Your a fake you pretend to care but you know really that the only person you really care about is yourself. I feel like im full of you, and your problems. Because you have spent so much time talking about yourself no matter how much i say i dont want to know you just
carry on. Ive given up telling you to stop telling me things i dont care about
instead i stand there and listen because otherwise you will sulk if i walk away.
I dont care about what you say anymore, as far as im concerned Ive heard enough.
I hate you so much and wish i didnt have to live with you, your poison and i
blame you for so much, if i had had the chance to deal with my own feelings and
learn how to cope with things i wouldnt have found other things so hard to deal
with.
There are no words to tell you how much i hate you, i get so angry with
you i just want to hit you or something else, how can you cause so much anger in
someone and not even know it? Hearing your name, imagining your face both makes
me feel sick to the stomach. I wish you were nothing to do with me, i wish you
were never my mum and i wish you would just leave before you do anything more to
hurt me or ruin my life.
