I'm only human.

Hey,
I dont really know why I am posting, I'm kinda bored I guess.

I ended up having to work this morning, I offered last night because I had a funny feeling the normal cleaner wouldn't turn up..and she didn't so about 10.15 I got a phone call to go in and work. So I've been and done an hour and a half of cleaning which was ok, all money I suppose. But I am feeling really tired now, I had a lie in this morning only an extra hour or so but if I hadnt have had that I would be even tireder now!

I am at home now, got back from work about half an hour ago, not sure what I am going to do for the rest of the day. definetely going to go and get a cup of tea and a couple of chocolates, will do a few jobs on here and then do some revision I suppose. I've got to finshing writing up my french presentation onto cue cards so i can carry them around and practice them whenever I get the chance. I have no idea why I took French my memory is terrible as it is, and thats only with remembering things in english let alone in french! I know I am going to fail it, I have no confidence in it what so ever. I have been predicted a c/b which is ridiculous I cant understand a word of it! I can say my name, my age, when my birthday is, my hair colour, my eye colour, I have one brother, his name, his age, his brithday, his hair colour, his eye colour and a little bit about his hobbies that is no way going to get my through my speaking exam. Its causing me so much extra stress and worry that I just dont need, I could be spending that time on bumping my english, maths or science grades up instead or concentrating on other weaker subjects. But they wont let me drop it because of this stupid predcited grade. I am seriously going to get in there and have to just sit there quiet because I wont have a clue what to say! I've got a mock speaking exam after the holidays so I've got to revise so much when I could be revising something I enjoy, and that isnt just going to be a waste. Argh I hate french.

I have got to email this bloke, he came and did a session on confidence and stress the other day in school. He is basically a life coach for teenagers about to do their GCSE's but he also works in other areas. I got to have a quick chat with him on the day on my own, and he said I should email him so we can talk a bit more about things and hopefully make a plan as to what he can do to help me and what I can do to help myself. So I might do that in a minute.

I started reading a book lastnight 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightime.' I had heard of it before and never really knew what it was about I thought it would be a bit childish, but its really good, its about a 15 year old boy who has aspergers syndrome, and he finds a dog dead, with a garden fork stabbed in him, he then begins a investigation to find out who murdered the dog. It is very funny and I can totally relate to it because I have a very good friend who is also my next door neighbour who has aspergers syndrome so it is not difficult to imagine or picture this boys behaviour.

I seriously need to make another to do list. So that will be my first task after I have had my cuppa and finished on here.

Today has been a good day so far, I havent stopped much to think about anything which is probably why I am feeling good. I dont know how to say it but I am also looking forward to or rather hopeful about tommorow and starting these tablets. Apart from feeling tired I feel good which is nice!

xxxxx

Hey,
Well just a quick update. I went to the doctors today and some progress has been made.

I talked to the doctor and basically told her things are still extremely bad and they feel like they are getting worse each time. I explained about the last fortnight or so and how difficult it was and about how stressed,tense and basically wound up I am, because of exams and everything else going on.

I went through all the side effects and things I experience when I feel crappy, and she wanted to know more about my energy levels and that when it comes to midday I am shattered and feeling lathargic. I told her I go around all day with a feeling like I have just got out of bed, I have no enthusiam for the things I used to love, the fact I damaged my back has certainly not helped things and that I am still seeing the counsellor.

She told me that I would not be able to see a counsellor at the practice or a pychiatrist until I was 16 because thats 'just the known rule'. I said I asnt really comfortable talking with someone else because its taken a LONG time to finally open up to Jen.

She had spoken to the psychiatrist, and they had said definitely NO medication in the form of anti-depressants, my heart sank, I wondered what the hell was going to happen next!

She started talking about these tablets, that in small doses helped for a lot of things. They are used as anti-depressants in a higher dosage and she said they are basically anti-depressants but we can get away with not calling them that. She said they will help all the little things aswell tension, headaches, neck muscles, back, sleeping, mood swings, the depression, energy levels, nightmares practically the whole lot.

There is a HUGE list of side effects on the patient guide sheet thing, and she said I will feel like shit for the first week, and will feel extremely tired so if I need to have lie in's, early nights and naps during the day. After about 3-4 weeks I should start to really notice something, if not go back to her and she will see what she can do.

So yeh, I guess I feel a bit better now that progress has been made and I've actually got something real to try. I am going to start the tablets on sunday evening, because they are to be taken before bed, which is why they help to get to sleep. She advised me to start taking them when I've got a few days of work, and I havent got anything planned from sunday evening til wednesday so I should, fingers crossed be okay. Revision will just have to wait a few days I will do what I can when I can but I'm not going to push it, sorting myself out and my health out is more important at the moment. If sacrficing a few days of revision can get my head sorted out and get me feeling normal for the rest of my revision and my exams in summer then a few days really wont be much of a sacrfice at all.

I've got to go back again in a month or so to let her know how I'm getting on.

I also had my haircut today, which has made me feel a little better, and a bit more comfortable in myself. Funny how something simple like a haircut can have so much effect on someones emotional state.

I went to the library and got some books out today, one or two are quite deep whilst the others are quite chick flicky, I got them before I went to the doctors which was pretty lucky really because if I cant be doing revision or much else the next few days I will be able to get lost in a good book hopefully.

I am really tired right now, its been a rollercoaster of a day, partly emotionally partly physically. I was proud of myself this morning I got up early managed to have a bath and straighten my hair, got ready for work and walked the mile and a half to work, which didnt do my back much good but made me feel a bit better and a bit healthier. I then had to serve a bit party who were a bunch of my old primary school teachers some of whom I hadnt seen for about 3 years so whilst it was a bit strange it was very nice to see them again.

After that it was straight into town for my haircut. I had that done then went and had a drink in town. IT was then off to the library, spent about 20mins on a computer then to the other side of town for the doctors. I was in their for the half hour, then it was over to Bex's shop to get my lift home, there was no point going home though to I went straight into work and actually sat down for about 20 minutes then I started working at 6.30 until about 9.30 and now I am home, very tired and writing this. So I am going to go to bed with some ribena because I am very thirsty and start one of my books.

I will update soon, probably on sunday night, and then after. I will probably be keeping a sort of record here so I can see how the tablets are effecting me.

Anyways, fingers crossed and who knows... this might be it. I'm not getting my hopes up though, expect the worse and anything will be better, my rule for life.

Night night xxxxx

Hey,
This post has been inspired by the dirty dancing soundtrack I just bought this evening.

Music is fantastic, it can take you so low, to a place where you are able to figure things out make them a little clearer and then they can bring you up as high as a kite!

I have some PMU (pick-me-up) songs. I listen to them nearly everyday and I think without them sometimes I really wouldn't get through the day. I listen to them on the bus on the way to school, they make me think right another day, I've just got a few hours then its done with. I'm through until tommorow morning. Then at the end of the day again on the bus I listen to those special songs to remind me that I did actually get through the day.

There are so many songs that I have, sometimes the lyrics mean more and other times the beat is just so funky and uplifting, I cant help but smile, giggle or dance away to myself.

You hear people saying dancing flat out around your room like a crazy person is one of the best therapies there is, and until you try it you think no way, there isnt a hope in hell you can get me to do that. But one day I was feeling low, and I decided to put some music on, next minute I found myself jumping around my room like a loony.

So now when I get to about 11 o'clock and I am feeling totally unmotivated I will take a few minutes to myself, get out my mp3 and just listen to one of my songs. You could call them life theme songs I guess.

The songs that are my lifesavers are oldies and most of them theme songs from old movies, theres nothing better than grooving along to a good ol' funky theme tune!

I have so many favourites, some are extremely naff and cheesy, but they all mean something to me and have helped me through one part of all that has happened and still seems to go on.These are my 'most played' there are quite a few of them!:

-Footloose- Kenny Loggins
-I Wanna Dance With Somebody- Whitney Houston
-Nutbush City Limits- Tina Turner
-What A Feeling- Irene Cara
-My Bad Reputation- The Donnas
-I'm Alive- Celine Dion
-Walk This Way- Aerosmith
-If I Could Turn Back Time- Cher
-I Am The One And Only- Chesney Hawks
-Cant Hold Us Down- Christina Aguilera
-Cruz- Christina Aguilera
-Soar- Christina Aguilera
-The Voice Within- Christina Aguilera
-Dont Stop Believin- Journey
-We Built This City- Starship
-Ca Plane Pour Moi- Plastic Bertrand
-Live your dreams- Save the last dance soundtrack
-True Colours- Save the last dance soundtrack
-Circle of Life- Lion king soundtrack
-I Just Cant Wait To Be King- Lion King soundtrack
-Jump- Van Halen
-Dont Stop Me Now- Queen/Mcfly
-We carry on- Tim Mcgraw
-Gold- Spandau Ballet

Any one of those songs can make me happy, or at least give me a few minutes of hapiness or freedom from whatever is going on. My school are trying to introduce 3 minute breaks in lessons so that people who are lacking motivation can listen to one song to perk them up. Obviously it is the teachers decision to conduct this within their classes but personally I think it would be fantastic and I know I would certainly benefit from it myself!

So music is what gets me through, I know that when no one else is around, when its the middle of the night I can put my music on and have a little escape.

God bless music and all of those songs (and more) mentioned above, the artists probably dont realise how truly amazing they are and what they have acheived by recording some of those tracks they have honestly saved my life at times.

xxxxx

Hey,
Well this post is probably going to be all over the place (like it said in the title) its going to be a random update of everything the last few days I guess, which could be its going to be very long! Its everything thats happened, things that are going to happen and everything in my head. I need to get it out, its feels like its all bubbling up and its going to boil over any minute, and its healthier to let it all out here, than keep it in and use all my energy (which I havent got alot of at the moment) on a total breakdown and getting back up again.

It feels like forever since I last updated properly, I cant remember when it was, so there might be some repetative stuff on here.

First of all, my teacher didnt get that award, which was kind of dissapointing but she knows how much we love her, even if the judges dont think she is the best we sure as hell know she is! She really appreciated the fact that we just took time out to nominate her in the first place, and she said she's never been competitive anyway. So yeh I guess she's still happy about that.

I am so tired, which is ridiculous really considering what I did lastnight. I got home around 4 from school. I had a horrible headache and was so scared that it was going to get worse and become a migraine. I can totally understand why my body would give me one, with everything going on and the stress its under, but I just needed to prevent it. So I was trying to get to sleep, this didnt work because my brother and mum needed help with something on the computer so I had to get up and come down, by now it was sort of 4.30. I knew I had to get some sleep or at least some rest as soon as I could and try and relax the headache away. So I came on the computer for about 15 minutes, did a few emails checked a few things, then at 5.00 I had a bath which was very relaxing, then about 5.15 I had some tea. Then I was in bed in my PJ's by about 5.30 I put a film on then fell asleep after that, I slept right through so I must have needed it! I think that is the most sleep I have had in one night for over 3 months now! I am feeling a little better for it, have found it a bit easier to do regular things, although my concentration is still totally up the creek but yeh a little better which is good.

I am feeling better from my last post, I havent re-read it but I think I might in a minute I just know that I was really down then and was in somewhere very dark and very low. I guess the last two days have been where I have picked myself up a bit, I talked to Jen yesturday morning which was good, I really needed it. My next appointment will now be after the easter holidays, the fact that I wont see her for a few weeks now is kind of scary!

I have the follow-up doctors appointment on friday. I had completely forgotten about it up until last thursday. I am nervous, but also feel calm about it. I am worried that mum will be coming with me, which frustrates me because its the same thing as last time!!! I made a hair appointment for 2.45, and I am working on friday afternoon so I have to finish work at 2.30 get mum to give me lift into town so I can have my hair cut, then I have to mooch around town until about 5.00. I will then go to the doctors and will get a lift home with Bex afterwards. The plan seemed to be working brilliant until I got home today when mum said she has to do something with her car at 3.30 so she can give me a lift home, I was like no its fine Bex is giving me a lift. She seemed a little stressed but I dont want her there. I've got this horrible feeling she will do something or change something so that she ends up being at the doctors the same time as me. Argh my god that would be so bad. I dont know why I am worrying because my teacher has rung the nurse again to say that I dont want mum there so she will call me in on my own but mum will still be stupid and uptight about it. Argh do I worry about it or just go with the flow and hope and pray for the best? God I dont know...

I now have something to look forward to after my exams- a holiday. Morroco for two weeks leave on the 6th of july and return on the 20th. Will be so relaxing and just cant wait, I've booked the time off work and everything. I just want to be there now, in the sun, so relaxed so calm and care free. I just hope I can go two weeks without getting one of my stupid spells. I know when I last went abroad, which was Tunisia in october 2005 I didnt want to come back. We only went for a week, but it was so wonderful out there, nobody knew me, it was like I could forget all my problems. I was so happy out there and then I came home and I had never been so down before in all my life. Obviously I have been worse since but I was so upset about leaving. I had the perfect little life I had been dreaming of for a week and then I had to come home to a life that was miserable and just made me unhappy. But yeh two weeks morroco, just want to get the exams over with and get on with things like my birthday, my birthday party, getting my bike on the road and going on holiday!

There has been one thing, or rather one person bringing me down lately, and it has been truly horrible. It has reminded me of the time I was seriously bullied two years ago. I was physically bullied, in lessons, around the playground and out of school nothing was ever done about it and my mum never believed me, not even when I came home with blood pouring from my nose as a result of having it smashed against some goal posts in P.E. Anyway the past few days there has been this one girl. I have helped her so much the past few months, she has been getting behind in school work so I have lent her mine to help her, sat down gone through it made plans and given her guides, she split up from her boyfriend and I literally let her cry on my shoulder in the toilets. I have been there for her when I needed someone myself. So the story goes she split up with her boyfriend and moved on to another lad about 4 or 5 days later. She seems to think I have spread it all around school, she knows me better than that it just isnt my style and is isnt something I would do! But as a result she is being pathetic, bitchy and simply nasty.
She thought it would be funny to send me lots of emails with insults in them. I tried my hardest to ignore them, I only responded to one of them. It hurt what she was saying, because she was my friend and she did know me pretty well she knows what makes me tick what winds me up and what upsets me, so she feels the need to call me names like 'fat,ugly bitch' whenever she gets the chance and she seems to have fun talking about things like strokes, breast cancer and car accidents. She really does know what gets to me and is using it to her advantage. She just wants to screw me over and it isnt fair. She has made me cry several times the last few days which is horrible, it takes alot to make me cry, and alot more to make me cry at school or even in class. Which is why whenever I think I am going to to cry I ask to go to the toilet and breakdown there. So yeh this girl is being horrible and getting me pretty down.

Okay so the last fornight has been a bit hard, no actually it hasnt its been one of the hardest times I've ever had to drag my sorry ass through. But I have noticed something which is scaring me a little. I havent told anyone this, but they are there again, those little thoughts, everytime I e.a.t. Its so stupid I dont want to be confused again, I dont want to slip down into it again. I wouldnt say its like it was before but its becoming more significant in my thoughts. Wondering whether foods are good for me, going without food at lunchtime, because I just dont want to eat. My mum said something last week that totally threw me off balance, she said I was looking really skinny and slim, and asked whether I was being sick after meals because I always seem to 'disappear' to the toilet after meals, which is total bollocks and she knows it is. But I dont think I look skinny at all, if anything I look the opposite. I weighed myself at my dads after I got out of the shower just over 8 stone. Thats not underweight in my opinion and if you were to do a B.M.I for my height or whatever I think you would find I was either 'normal' or 'overweight'. I kind of blame my mum for bringing it up, and I cant remember whether I had been having these thoughts again before or after mum mentioned it.

I have been drinking ribena like crazy the last week or so, it seems to give me a little buzz which sometimes I need to perk me up during the day. Really strong Ribena I can drink it by the pint and it doesnt give me a headache which I guess is also good.I hate getting tired by 12 everyday. I feel like some old person that needs an afternoon nap, Jen has said it can be expected with whats going on for me but I still feel like some sort of retard because of it. I've tried everything from buzz gum, vitamins, supplements, trying to sleep more, doing less work, winding down and changing my diet. It sucks, other people in school my age start actually waking up at 12.00 whereas I feel like I'm dozy and like I've just got out of bed all day and it gets worse by the afternoon.

I have quite a bit to do at the moment. I managed to get my maths coursework done, I think its all ok, if not I will be given it back to do some final corrections, its well tight because we were told the final final deadline for maths coursework was tommorow so I rushed to get it all done, and it wasnt the final final deadline they lied! So there was no need for me to get all stressed out and spend god knows how long on it!! But I guess its all done with now!

Sooooo they easter holiday begin officially as of 2.30 tommorow! Which I'm looking forward to. Going to get a lot of my revision materials prepared, condense notes, make mind maps, write cue cards etc, do a few things for some friends and hopefully get some extra hours in at work because I need the money! Even though we break up tommorow I am going into school on Thursday to do some practical work on my Design Technology project, I dont know when its due in but its pretty soon! I still have one bit to make, two bits to sand down and all of it to paint! I am going into town tommorow after school so I can buy my paints then hopefully! I am getting a lift in with my teacher on thursday because she has to take her son to school and she offered to give me a lift which is nice. I am glad I have her as a teacher she is really nice. We seem to have a good reputation for caring teachers :-) Its nice.

Sooo what else is there? I've done the holiday, the dodgy thoughts, the girl being nasty, school work, easter holiday plans, doctors appointment,stupid energy levels, teacher not gettin the award, early night last night.

I think thats it for now, there is probably more which my stupid memory has decided to forget but for now buh-bye.

xxxxxx

Hey,
About a year ago, I started to save lots of icon's to use in my online diary, msn and forums and stuff. I just decided to look back through them. It's suprised me a little, I've grown up and sort of got a grip on how I really feel, which at the moment is shit. But anyway I deleted the ones that I feel dont really apply anymore and have kept the ones that still help me express how I'm feeling. I've decided to put some of them on here:

Okay, this one just sums me up completely at the moment. I feel lost, I feel disconnected with the everything. I feel like the whole of the world is passing me by, in a blur and I just cant do anything to keep up with it. I feel like I am in unknown territory yet I've been here so many times before. I don't know where I am anymore, in life, in my thoughts. It's all just....gone.

This is how I feel when I am at my lowest, which happens to be right now and has been the last week or so. It's been a bad time lately and the thought of just leaving it all...dieing. Doesnt seem so bad. It gets so hard, I wish at times I was still a baby, I could curl up and I wouldnt have experienced everything, I wouldn't be having these feelings running through my head and all these problems running through my body. I want to be care-free but all the things going on just sit so heavy and it feels like its going to take forever to make them light again.

This seems to be all I am asking myself at the moment- how long before it goes away? How much longer have I got to do this?? I dont know how much more of this pain I can take, its to hard and its pushing me down further and further. I'm scared that one day I'm not going to come back.

Good god this one is incredible is sums up so much in a few lines of text,thats exactly what I want to do, escape, run from it all but where can I go what can I do?? I really cant stand it, I'm getting to breaking point and I am so worried about what's going to actually happen when I break, will I be able to control it?

It's not everyday, it's just everytime I get low, I get lower. I get dragged down to this place its deeper down, my thoughts are more intruding and concerning, and it takes so much more to get back up again. It's getting harder and harder and I just want to know how much more harder is it going to get before it becomes easy, and will it ever become easy?

God the amount of times I hear people say 'Time, time will make things better' 'Things will work out in time'. I know they are only trying to help but how much god damn longer is it going to be?? It's been between 4 and 5 years now. How much longer am I going to have to do this and will I come out the other side??

I have found recently that this is exactly what I have been doing, when the day ends and I settle down for another restless night, I find myself saying to myself 'well thats one down' or ' thats another one I've got through'. It's not like I'm counting down the days to anything in particular its just, by getting through another day I guess it gives me something to hold on to, even if I find it hard to believe anything will come of it.

Nothing is what I have truly become, I feel like I am no longer human, no longer real in this world, I am just someone who lives waiting for the next downer and then waiting again to get back up. I dont want to be me, I hate myself and its getting difficult to just live with myself.

The times I have fantisised about this! How amazing would it be? I don't mean the invisible when you sneak into somewhere and find out the gossip, I mean just being invisible to everything, I often wonder by being invisible to do still live through things that happen, do you still feel the pain or are you in some way invincable to it??

Its so hard to explain, I feel the opposite to this, I dont want to kill myself but I want to die. It doesn't make sense until you feel it, its even confusing to me and I'm the one experiecing it and trying to work it out. I want to die, I dont want to do this anymore but I cant deal with the consequences and I cannot leave the most important young man in my life alone in this world.

Hey,
This post is going to be about something quite exciting (for me anyway) and its something good that has happened for a change in my life.

So the story begins with my local radio station, they are holding a competition for the Best Teacher in Cornwall Award. I have this teacher at my school is one of the most amazing women I have ever come across. She is unbelievably caring, she has helped me through some very tough times, which I couldnt have done without her. She genuinely cares for her students, asking if people are ok and how they are feeling and actually waiting for an answer. You always hear her in the corridor telling people who are having a bad day for whatever reason "You know where I am" and "My office is always open", and she really means it aswell! If she cannot help you or is busy and cannot stop and talk you can guarantee she will organise a time when she can. She brightens up the corridors with her huge smile and cheery hello's. She treats all her students equally and doesnt judge them, she gives them the time to build their own status instead of using her first impressions. She doesn't demand respect like many teachers do she simply goes by the rule that if a student respects her then she will respect them back, if a student decides to be disrespectful then they shouldn't expect her to respect them. Overall she is an absoultely fantastic, incredible, inspirational woman who I look up to so much. I feel priviliged and lucky to have been able to to have the wonderful oppurtunity to have her in my life.

So, I nominated her. I sent an email off to the radio station basically saying all of the above and perhaps more, on tuesday. I left my contact details as I was asked and thought nothing more of it. On wednesday morning, in my first lesson, I had a missed call on my phone and I recognised the number as that of the radio station. I was rather miffed I had missed the phone call, but decided if they wanted me they would phone again. During second lesson, I saw the teacher who I had entered poke her head in around the door, she had the hugest grin on her face I had ever seen, she asked me to come outside and said "What have you done?" So I explained exactly what I had done and told her she really deserves it. She had found out from another teacher who had heard my email being read out on the radio that morning and she told this teacher it was me who had written it, which meant she came and found me.

So we were stood outside my english class, and she also told me that a parent of one of the pupils had come into school, because they had also heard it, and they said the email was well written and that the email and the teacher nominated was a real credit to the school. After telling me this she was started to get all emotional, she started to go very red, then she asked what we had lied about in the email to make her sound so good. After reassuring her it was all the truth I told her some of the key bits, this was just to much for her and the burst into tears. I didn't quite know what to do, and I was starting to well up aswell in the end we just hugged and I said I hope you get it. She replied by saying it doesnt matter if she gets it or not, the nomination and the comments made were enough.

So, when I got home lastnight, having pushed this whole thing to the back of my mind for a bit, the phone rang. It was about 20 to 5 and it turned out to be the radio! They wanted me to go on air and basically tell everyone what I had said in the email. I agrred and they told me they would ring back in about an hour. That hour was the most nerveracking I think I have ever had! When the phone call arrived I darted upstairs, I was chatting to the presenter and was then put on hold for a few minutes. At this stage I started to think about what I was going to say. Now I dont tell many peope this but I stammer sometimes, and it gets even worse when I am nervous. SO i decided in the few minutes I was on hold to grab my notepad and write down basically what I had said in the email. This gave me a starting point if I just froze up.

I went on air and did my bit it was only a few minutes but I actually enjoyed it and was glad that everyone could hear first hand how amazing this teacher is.

My friend recorded me on her phone, and this morning we went and let the teacher listen, again she was in tears but very happy and just couldn't stop thanking us!

The results come out at 7.10 on monday morning so I plan to get up early and listen to see whether she has won or not. I will be a bit dissapointed if she doesnt win, but I am so proud of her and I am so glad that she has finally been recognised for all her help and acheivement.

xxxxxxxx

Hey,
This is another mind map, alot more recent, very recent infact- I did it last night! Anger is what I'm feeling and is what is making me at the moment. So I tried to break it down a bit- like I have done here in a way. I am going to show this to Jen next time I see her- whenever that is now. This one is very hard to read parts of- sorry.

http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a399/ebonyrose85/Blog%20Pics/img039.jpg

Hey,
I did this a while ago, well the end of last year probably November sort of time. It might be a bit difficult to read but hopefully you can see and read it. It was basically everything I was feeling, everything was gettin on top of me, I thought that would be the lowest I could get, but the last few days have proved that assumption wrong.

http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a399/ebonyrose85/Blog%20Pics/img038.jpg

Hey,
Okay I'm writing this and I have no idea why, I don't feel like I want to write this but I do feel like I need to write it.

I just want to scream, everythings so 'up in the air' at the moment. Its just so arghhhhhhhhh. I can't explain, and at the moment it seems to difficult to work out every little piece of it because that will just crack me and tip me over the edge.

So many little things and so many bigger thoughts have run through my head the last few days. There's been so much going on and its made me have to break out of my little routine, which I hate. I plan my day I plan each little bit of it whenever and wherever I can, and when it gets all broken and mixed up I feel like I'm swimming amoungst it all and just drowning in it.

I went to an R.S (religious studies) conference on Monday, it was a long boring day (what with travelling and stuff) but it was interesting and I learnt some new things about Ethics and ethical theories. It made me think about my future and perhaps what I want to do when I am older which I guess is good.

But there was one bit that freaked me out. The lecturer was talking about hapiness and desire, he refered to the mirror in Harry Potter the one in which he finds, looks into and see's his parents. Dumbledore explains that the mirror shows the deepest desires of the heart. SO the lecturer got us to visualise the mirror in front of us. We all had our eyes closed and he started to describe things around us to put us into the scene. He then asked us to imagine ourselves looking into it, and to think about what we can see. I saw nothing, not me just an empty room and the space where I was standing staring back at me. This confused me and basically spun me out.

Why was I seeing this? After thinking about it I thought that I have recently started to view myself as nothing. Someone that doesnt matter, isn't worth the world or anything in it, has nothing to give and basically doesnt exist. I have also recently been thinking what it would be like to truly not exist, to not be around to not have a life at all, and it seemed better than what I am living now. So maybe my desire is to be nothing, to not exist. I know without having to imagine looking into that mirror that I don't want to be here and that if I could end my life without hurting anyone and I could be sure it would work then I would do so, but I would hurt the one person I love with all my heart and more than anyone in the world, there is also no guarantee it would work, and I dont particularly want to be around to have to explain why I tried to do it in the first place.

I wish everytime I sighed that just at least one small part of all this would disappear with that breath of air. God dammit I am so frustrated by all this, by being down, by being weak. In the past i have done things like mind maps and stuff, which just dump it all onto a page. I have got them in the back of my diary so will scan them into my computer and put them on here.

I felt like I had so much to say and now I just cant think what it was. I am really feeling run down and totally burnt out and I know this because my mouth has become a mess, its sounds stupid but when I am stressed, down and just exhausted I get ulcers in my mouth I also get places in my mouth that seem to be like sores. I have also broke out in spots which is another sign things are crap.

I am pissed off, I was hoping to see Jen today but she only had one session free and had meetings all day, so I couldnt. We decided that I would have an appointment on Thursday instead so I was like great I can talk at last, get everything out- BUT I am fucked right off because I just remembered I have got an all day first aid course on thursday that I cannot miss because I need to do it in order to pass my unit of my Health and Social Care course. So I will either have to ask her really really nicely and hope she can do it at lunch time or wait until next tuesday, which I know I can do (with great difficulty) but would prefer not to. I just feel like I'm running myself into the ground I want to punch something!!

Why am I here again?? Why am I at rock bottom?? I thought I was past this- I thought I was on my way, I hadnt told anyone but I thought things were getting better. I didn't want to get my hopes up and I didn't but its still fucking gutting and totally fucking annoying when I get down here again. I hate feeling like the ground underneath peoples feet, and the worse thing is I am the one who puts myself down there. If I was a fucking real person, a decent person, who wasn't just a little weak girl I would be able to stop myself getting this fucked up and I would have been able to deal with things to begin with. I hate myself so much for that. I hate myself so much for everything. All the things I have done, trouble I have caused, lives I have ruined. God I am just so spiteful and evil. I just take hurt and pain and bad things everywhere I go, its like I am cursed. Why am I so stupid,why cant I be normal why cant I be like everyone else who seem to have such perfect lives. I dont even want my life to be perfect I just want some sort of life that isnt controlled by all this shit.

I hate me.I hate myself so much, more than I can explain or express. I hate my mind- fucked up, confusing, full of unknowns, does and thinks what it wants, uncontrolable. I hate my body, the way I look, just disgusting, plain, I wish I could be like people who dress and look great there hair looks perfect, their figures are amazing and their clothes are so perfectly selected and combined to complete an outfit and overall a gorgeous look. I want to look nice and people to mean it when they compliment me.

I feel worthless, I am shit. All I do is dump my crappy problems on people who are friends, I find it hard to help them back and then feel guilty because they have been there for me so much, and its like I cant stand to help them. Its pathetic. I'm pathetic.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGBVGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I CANT FUCKING DO THIS
I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DO THIS
WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS?
I FUCKING HATE THIS
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??

God I could fucking lamp something so fucking hard right now, I just want to run into a beautiful sunset and run away from it all. I have done it this long why cant God or whoever the hell controls all this fucking fucked up shit give me a fucking break.

I am so angry, I just want to burst I want to fucking explode I cant control this. I've just started crying and I just dont want to stop. I cant take this anymore its not fair!

And in an hour I've got to pretend all this is fine, put my mask on and play pretend, I'm happy. I've got to be strong for my brother when he gets back from hospital and his operation. I wouldn't do it for anyone else, but I have to for him. I am such a dissapointment to everyone, I have let so many people down. What the fuck am I?

Jesus I cant work this out. I wish I could just let it all go.
Right now dying just seems the perfect way to hapiness. I dont even want fucking hapiness now, all I know is that I just dont want this.

Hey,
I have been adding to this post bit by bit and have now decided to 'finish' it. It is a mixture of my feelings about people leaving me and my social habits.

To me the main theme in my life seems to be people- leaving me in so many different ways, I often wonder whether there can be anyone else that will leave, when I get to the point where I am certain that is it and that I am safe froim desertion another goes and leaves. The most obvious are my aunty pat and matt who died, but then I have my dad, part of him was lost in the accident he had, my gramps, part of him has been stolen by the stroke, my mum, we were close once before and now I see her as nothing and no one except a woman who stirs up anger and hatred within me by simply speaking. Kirtsy my old best friend moved to new zealand. Ali a very good friend who I used to rely on alot, who helped me through alot moved up country, we hardly speak now.

I dont put blame on any of them for leaving me they either had there reasons or it was simply fate. But after a while you begin to wonder whether your worth having people in your life if leaving you is all they seem to do.

When I feel worthless I feel like I am worth no ones time, and if I am honest I push people away, ask them to just leave me alone for a while, and sometimes I never do get back the bond I had before I told them to back off. So I blame myself sometimes for drifing from friends and pushing them away.

Each time someone leaves I try to think you've mananged to cope with it (even if in some totally inappropriate or difficult way). So why should it matter if someone else leaves me?? But then it happens again and its a kick in the stomach. You can see it coming and there is nothing you can do, but you have got time to prepare for it and perhaps these arent the worst losses. But the worst are when you are not expecting it i.e Matt. That was such a shock I expected to see him again- whether he would be angry at me I dont know but I wanted to keep and eye out for him in town- and I still do now.

I get fed up with people leaving me and perhaps thats why I find it so difficult to really trust people or get to the stage where trust becomes an issue. I dont like the process of making new friends, but I like having friends. It may seem like I want to not put in any work but still want the outcome! I promise its not like that.

I never have been one for having lots of friends- I have drifted in and out of friendships all my life. Out of character or routine social events actually scare me and make me nervous. Even simple things like shopping or going to the cinema- I start to panic and get worried, I have always known this was a 'problem' but never really stopped to think it through but lately it has gone through my mind alot. I am not a socialising person, I stick to my safety zones, my routine and don't like anything out of the ordinary. I get scared and feel uncomfortable and insecure very easily and very quickly in unknown places, or around unknown people.

I wish I could somehow crack this but it has been with me ever since I was little I never got to go out because I lived in such an isolated area, and I guess that just stopped me. I have not experienced it before so I am still in the mindset of a little girl doing things for the first time.

I have never really spoken to anyone or told anyone about this, and for some reason lately it has come into mind. Someone once told me it could be a social disorder but I don't think it is. I don't know enough about them to say yes or no.

My Grampys Stroke

Over a year ago my gramps suffered a mild stroke, it was caused my high blood pressure which triggered a heomarrage in the back left side of his skull. It happened on a Sunday afternoon and I remember getting the phone call, it is so clear in my head. I was lying on the sofa, I had got home from work about an hour ago, we had done 22 lunches, and I had just sat down and put on mums dvd collection of Roots. I had been wanting to watch it for ages, and Richard was down with dad and mum was on the other sofa asleep. I remember the phone ringning so I paused the dvd and ansered it. It was my dad, he asked me if mum was there and she had told me to say she was in the bath because she didnt want to speak to anyone so I said no she is in the bath why? He said well Gramps has gone to hospital, we think he's had a stroke like John did ( a friend of ours who also has a mild stroke) I remember saying Oh my God and saying is he ok, is it bad, asking 101 questions basically. By now mum had worked out something had happened so she grabbed the phone, she had thought something had happened to Richard. Everything after that was a rushed blur, I remember going upstairs grabbing my harry potter book, some pyjamas and my teddy. I had got stuff together so I could stay with gran because she would be at home on her own. After that we went straight down to my grans and stayed with her, mum went home in the early evening whilst I stayed there all night.

The next week consisted of visiting the hospital, crying alot, lots of unanswered questions and when they were answered they were answered untruthfully. They said it was to protect me, I was 14 years old, I am the girl who was told at 5 years 'Daddy's had an accident and he might not be coming home' (Another story). I could deal with this for goodness sake, but no they wouldnt tell me. So he was allowed out the following friday, he was still seriously affected by the stroke. He wasnt my Grampy the person lying in the hospital bed, with bags under his eyes, greasy hair, bad breath and B.O was not my grampy and I refused to admit it.

My gramps is one of those old wise men, you know the kind that have an answer for everything you ask a question and not only do they answer it they tell you that little bit more as well. As far as I was concerned he was the smartest man in my life, he knew everything. But the stroke depreived my gramps of that wisdom, it was snatched away from him. Seeing my gramps talking like a 4 year old, not remembering his name, sounding as though he was going senile and getting so frustrated and angry with himself. He never got embarrased he had the best comebacks ever he would always laugh it off (genuinely) or never let a situation embarrass him. When he couldnt remember names, places or even us he felt ashamed, guilty and embarrased.

I understand that he was extremely lucky, it could have been much worse. But I am angered by the fact that out of all of the things the stroke stole from him it had to be his memory and wisdom, it was what made my gramps it was his tool for life. It allowed him to communicate with people, drift into his thoughts endlessly and of course pass his knowledge onto his grandaughter and grandson, who were always desperate for his stories of the olden days, his clear yet complex explanations of contreversial issues and the simple things in life.

I loved him so much, and of course I love him now, even more so than before, but I can't say that, I love a different person now, and I would much rather have this different person to love than no person at all but it is still so difficult, to look at someone you thought you knew inside out and think who actually are you now??

Since the stroke I have made a conscious effort to hug him and tell him I love him everytime I see him and everytime I say goodbye. It was a wake up call not only to us but him as well. He was a very fit 70 year old often walking 8-10 miles everyday 'just for fun'. He was a real community man, garden shows, village committees, parish councils, bell ringer at the church, competition judge, event organiser, and he was the first person to be awarded a lifetime acheivement award in the village. As you can tell I am very proud of him, but the stroke was a sure sign from his body telling him to simply slow down. Which in all honesty he has.

I am angry that the stroke has taken away my gramps, yes its selfish I know that, there are some without a grandad, but not only do I hate the viscious thing called a stroke but I worship a thing called life, not my own by any means, but that wonderful, inspiring, knowldegable, caring, kind, considerate and in my eyes perfect man's life. He is still here, but very often anger can over power joy, hapiness or any positive thinking. I want my grandad back, its not his fault I dont blame him at all, I don't know who I blame which makes it even harder, I want someone to blame but the only thing can be the stroke, thats not enough for me.

I'm struggling in a game of tug of war. On one end I have the barely there feeling of joy and hapiness- my grampy is alive, he is relatively well considering what he went through and on the other side the strong, 100% exisitent grief and anger- I havent got my gramps and I want him back.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Hey,
Okay the last few days have been such a build up for me.

So that's what this post is going to be is an introduction about my anger, my frustration the fire inside me that the last couple of days has been so difficult to hold down.

First of all I will describe my anger, and what it does to me. Alot of the time I get angry in what you could call unsuitable places, at school, in exams, when its really quiet, at work or just somewhere I am unable to express or get it off. You will often find me with clenched fists, its me its something I do, I can't help it. I don't know how often I do it, but when I really do it I know about it because I can feel my nails pressing into my skin. When I get, what I would describe as my 'attacks' of anger, I clench my fists, clench my teeth, have to consiously stop myself from talking (from fear of saying something horrible or inappropriate.) I sometimes start to shake, and literally feel taken over by the power of such an incredible feeling. I understand that some people would use this to their advantage, for example when angry because they cannot achieve something it gives them motivation to try even harder and complete it, I admit I get angry when someone tells me I can't do something and end up promising I will no matter what it takes. But when you experience this overpowering feeling so often its hard to like it or use it to your advantage because its so intense and simply horrible that I dont like it.

Someone once told me when you can accept, like and love your anger you can begin to control it, I really have tried to believe this and apply it to myself but it just doesnt work for me unfortunately. I feel like screaming and shouting, lashing out just jumping around, punching, hitting or kicking anything within reach that will withstand the almost adrenaline like anger running through me.

So during one of these 'attacks' I tried to work out what it was that was angering me what suddenly made me flare up in the middle of nothing, for no apparent reason, it was simular to the fact that i can suddenly crash and feeling dangerously down at the flick of a switch, so that gave me my first clue in searching for what was angering me. I discovered before that feeling down was due to burying down thoughts and events that had happened, filing them away and vowing never to touch or talk about them again. So I figured to start of seeing whether the things that made me down also made me angry. I wasn't suprised by the fact that there were many things that did both. I was recently emailing someone and I described some of the things that made me angry, and I have decided to list them here and talk (or vent) about them one by one, the list may be fairly long!

• My grampy's stroke
• My mum
• Pressure of school
• Perfectionism and not being able to control it
• Unable to deal with things
• Being scared
• My health
• Decisions
• The depression
• Wanting to escape- and not being able to

So yeh, I guess theres a fair bit there, there are other odd bits but they tie in with the things mentioned above. I will be doing individual posts I think on each 'bullet point'.

xxxxxx

Hey,
Was on myspace and I found this on someones profile,

Take the good with the bad, Smile with the sad, Love what you got, And remember what you had. Always forgive, But never forget, Learn from your mistakes, But never regret. People change, Things go wrong, But just remember....Life Goes On!

It's so true- if only I could see it and perhaps be able to apply it to my life. If only's, there the only things that seem to fill my life and my head all the time at the moment. Unrealistic dreams, things that will never happen to anyone, let alone me.

Hey,
Well the last few days have been a bit of a build up, and last night I just needed to get a bit of it out. So here it is....

Ghosts

From deep within,
Ghosts haunt my mind,
The deep disturbing,
Thought provoking kind,

Floating around,
They take control,
Piece by piece,
Then as a whole,

Stripping me of dignity,
Deprieving me of my pride,
Behind smiles and laughter,
I can no longer hide,

These overpowering demons,
Often linger for days,
Draining all my energy,
Leaving me in a daze,

Confused I become,
Lost and unsure,
Love or hate,
Which do I feel more?

Its difficult to understand,
Its difficult to see,
But these ghosts have become,
A huge part of me,

Even though I hate them,
With all my might,
They provide a sanctuary,
During long restless nights,

As pathetic as it may sound,
Sometimes they help,
They help me to cope,
They are an easy way out,

For when these ghosts take over,
I am left vulnerable and numb,
I have to face up to reality,
And see what I have become,

The ghosts become my friends,
They help me get through,
But just simply living,
Is the hardest thing to do.

Hey,
This is a poem I found on a wesbite- I'm not sure who the author was but I will try and find out. At the moment it sums up every little bit of me. It really is spot on, so yeh me in 28 lines.......

I am the student
Fighting the tears
Saving the crying
Until no one is near

I am the daughter
Coming home each day
With tones on my mind
But nothing to say

I am the friend
With so much inside
Keeping the secrets
That are deep inside

I am the sister
With sadness in me
Striving to be the best
That I can be

I am the worker
Acting so strong
Hiding my tears
Like nothing is wrong

I am myself
When I cry at night
Hoping things
Will be alright

Wondering why
I pretend to be tough
When can I be me?
When will that be enough?

Hey,
Well I really shouldn't be here again, but I am I feel I need to just have a break. I have been doing some work so will just come on here for a minute or two. I'm not sure why I am trying to justify this because I don't really need to.

As those of you who looked at my 'To do list' can see I have alot of work this week, I was trying to be a little bit more organised. So I made the list, I usually have lists all over the place and always have one in my wallet or pocket. I have some for schoolwork, some for general things and some for 'chores'.

Anyway, I kind of scared myself this time because for a change I decided to write how much time I would take on each one, now what I tried to do was the maximum time I think it will take me per task. So the maximum should be 10 hours 40 minutes. Even though when I sit down I dont really follow any schedule or plan, I just sit down get on with it and do as much as I can.

I've just been doing the Health and Social Care, part of the distinction bit. I only have the comparing left to do, which should be easy but I am totally baffled on it. I am going to just give it a go and see what she says, and correct whatever is wrong. I am in the mood to do it so I might as well crack on with it.

I have been drifting off into my own little thoughts alot today, more than usual, well more than the last couple of days anyway. The thoughts going through my head were basically how much anger I am feeling. I never knew I had it all in me, and I guess I have never contained so much all at one time before because I have 'exercised' it off. I am still in the 'I just want to run' state of mind. I keep wanting to just scream I can't do it' because I cant!! I appreciate people caring for me telling me it will get better, but when I feel like this there is nothing anybody can say that will turn it around. What makes it worse is that I know things will get better, they always do for a couple of days, then they go bad again, but there are those few days where I am happy.

I am so annoyed because Thursday and Friday I was so happy, and now this anger has made me just wrapped up, mixed up, confused and just blurgh!!!!! I cannot sit still, I just have to bop my leg up and down, nod my head or just tap my hand. As my thoughts get deeper or more controlled by my anger I notice a change in my behaviour, I become truly aggressive being horrible to people, making comments that could be hurtful.

I don't want to be that person, I don't want to be me. I hate this person, I disgust myself, I anger myself, I make myself feel physically sick. I hate myself, not as much as I hate my mum, but I really do hate myself, and the specific reasons why I dont know. There are so many mixed up fucked up things that just make me not want to know me. If I was somebody else I wouldnt want to be friends with this messed up, horrible, spiteful self centred girl that I call myself.

Its only been the last week or two where I have had to hold this anger, and its now started bubbling up and showing its true colours, I realise how many things I have hatred and anger against, and I dont want to. Obviously I dont want to hate myself, you see it plastered everywhere you have to love yourself before anyone else can. I don't want my opinions of my friends to change with the flick of a switch. I don't want to say things to the people I love upset them and not know why I said it.

I am so confused by this whole thing, this feeling, this anger, depression, hate. Basically life, and I say it again I don't want to do it anymore. I wish there was a way out, an 'I quit' button or a 'Get out of jail free card' where it just all disappears. Where none of it ever happened and where everything is always perfect, okay so you wouldn't learn from your mistakes but who would need to when nothing went wrong in the first place. I feel so pathetic dreaming of these perfect little worlds, that will never ever happen.

God I hate this.....so.....so.....so.....much.....

Hey,
Just a list of what I have to do this week, just for my own use really.

Maths (+lesson time)
-Statistics coursework- Boxplots, conclusion and evaluation. 2hours.
-Algebra coursework- Final testing and proving, conclusion and evalution. 2hours
-Practice Exam paper- 1hour

Science
-Workbook- pages 84-90-1hour

Health and Social Care
-Distinction parts- Strengths and weaknesses and comparing. 2hours

R.e
-Part C of question. 40mins

French
-Pratice speaking- 1hour
-Do question sheets- 1hour

Other
-Fill in revision planner
-Make schedule/plan for easter hols

TOTAL 10 hours 40 mintues

Hey,
I REALLY shouldn't be sat here doing this, I don't have time!! It's 7.15 right now and I have quite a bit to do before bed, and I was planning on having an early night!! But anyway I'm here typing as rapidly as I can in order to do just a quick update.

Well, my weekend, yeh it was good. Was at my dad's therefore at home, I've changed it around now, whereas before it used to be I'm home during the week and at dads every other weekend its now I'm at mums all through the week and at home every other weekend. Its just such a shame its only one weekend every fortnight.

Managed to do a bit of driving with Scarlet, which like the other weekend was nice :-) I love spending time with her so much, I never thought I would develop a friendship so strong with someone so much younger than me. I know its only 5 years but most girls her age I don't get on with. I am so grateful for being able to have the friendship with her and I love her to bits.

My back has been bad the last few days, I had another massage on thursday, on friday it was aching and its has been aching all weekend but not as badly as friday. It's right at the bottom, and sort of under and behind my shoulder blades feel like something is trapped. I'm getting really fed up with it now, I can only imagine how it feels for people who have much more serious injuries and suffer for much longer.

Work wasnt very busy, apart from saturday, where we had quite a few, well more than normal anyway.

I spoke with Jen on thursday, she said I am looking alot better and alot 'lighter'. The thing is I really dont feel lighter emotions wise. I admit I have felt good in myself the past 5 or so days, but now I'm getting to the stage where I feel I am going to crash, and the weird thing is I'm not sure whether its I feel like I am going to crash or whether I should crash. Its like I want to for some reason I want to crash and be down. That sounds ridiculous and attention seeking but the honest truth is that I dont want any attention for it, because when I do feel down I totally withdraw myself, or I go to the other extreme and become very hyper in a bid to hide it from others. I am so confused right now, but I am just going to go with it, perhaps try my hardest to keep the downer at bay and then if I cant anymore just go with it and feel down. God I hate all this so much, one minute I feel in control because I feel like I am the one who decides when I feel down or not, but then the next minute BAM I'm down feeling like the dirt under peoples feet and not wanting to do sod all.

I am angry, writing this I am angry. I feel so much hate and anger for people, things, events and this, feeling so crap. I feel angry and then I get even angrier because this depression or whatever it is can make me angry in the first place. Circles, viscious circles is what my life seems to be at the moment, and these annoy and anger me. I need a way to just get all this shitty fucking feeling out. I just want to scream, I want to get out of this god damn house (mums) and just run and run and run, I dont want to stop. I just want to sleep and and never wake up. I want to fall into oblivion and never come back. Its not that I'm feeling suicidal or that I want to end my life, but god damn it I don't want to have to deal, cope and struggle through it anymore. I'm so fed up with it!!!!! I don't know whether this is simply because I have been unable to do any exercise for over a week now and that was originally my outlet for the anger or whether having to hold all this anger for a change has made me realise how much of it there really is. There's times when I can be staring into space, unaware of what I am thinking about, and come around feeling ready for a boxing match, it seems so stupid and childish to not be able to specifically know what makes me feel like this.

Anyway rant over I feel like I could carry on forever, but one I dont have time, two its basically the same thing over and over again, and three I dont want to bore you.

I got a small amount of schoolwork done this weekend, a practice maths paper and I re-read act one of 'An Inspector Calls'. Ooooooo Yeh I was on a total high on thursday. I got some exam results back, I was so proud of myself. I took these two exams in January, they were both for my Health and Social Care grade, one was 'Understanding personal growth and development' and the other was 'preparing food for clients'. I was extremely worried and thought I had done terribly I went to get my results and she said I had done badly and would have to do better, I panicked then, BUT I had got 85% on the personal development paper which is a Distinction and equivalent to an a. Which is the highest you can get (the distinction and a bit). On the other one I got 100%!!!!! Which again is a distinction and an a. I was soo happy I burst into tears!!

On friday I also made friends with someone I had fallen out with about 6 months ago, but I havent got time to go through all that.

Mum has gone to go and get some kebabs for tea/supper so will eat them and then crack on with more health and social care and R.E work. The R.E is due tommorow and the HSC is due tuesday!!

Oh well that wasnt really a quick update but oh well its now 7.40!! I'm going to go and send an email then scoot!! Honest!!
xxxxx

Hey,
God I hate it so much when people just expect you to be so much. Do this do that be this be that get this get that achieve this acheive that. You will do this that and the other. It makes me so angry, if I want to do something I will do it, that will be enough motivation for me I dont need everyone pushing me to do well, if I want to succeed I will, if I want to fail in everything I do I will stop trying and stop worrying so much. Basically this poem is about just that, all the demands people seem to want from you, they wont let you just get on with it on your own, most of the time the only thing holding you back is their fear that something will go wrong or that you wont do well enough.

Its like take everything you get for just being a teenager,add in a bit of whatever else goes wrong in your life plus all the pressures of exams, success, family and friends and jesus you've got a recipe for disaster. I'm doing really well at school, and I guess I'm proud for turning my life around (academically) and getting school reports that basically allow the sun to shine out of your ass. But I'm begining to wish I'm a e/d grade student with less expectations and pressure to do well. Its like by getting good grades all the time your not doing yourself any favours at all because your just setting records, targets and limits you have to live up to, especially because you set them yourself, so you've shown you can do it once so its stupid to not be able to do it again. So yeh you may have guessed but if you havent, I'm feeling extremely stressed and pressured by school. I never realised it til now but I am. I've got to work on that, because even when there are no coursework deadlines, no exams coming up or any homework to do I still feel stressed and pressured by school, thats not normal surely when there is nothing to be stressed out about?? Jeesh its confusing. Anywho heres the poem...

Be a good girl,
Get good grades,
Be a star,
That never fades,

I am my own person,
Its my life to lead,
I want to decide,
Who I want to be!

Hey,
This poem isn't all deep and meaningful, its just about my little brother and he means more to me than anything in the whole wide world He is and always will be my best friend I love him more than anything and anyone. I have written another one but it is in my journal and I havent typed it up yet, but when I find it and type it I will post it. For now here's just the one...

Richard is his name,
Here he is again,
Trying to cause a fight,
That will go on through the night,
Even though,
I love him so,
We always disagree,
But where would I be without him and
Where would he be without me?

Hey,
I'm on a role tonight with all these poems, not in the mood for delving deep into my thoughts but just needing some sort of release. What with not being able to exercise and everything

So this poem was written about a year and a half ago. I just wanted to get all these confusing feelings I was experiencing out on paper.I have used part of the Why? poem to begin it.

So many questions,
The answers denied,
Feelings exposed,
We both cant hide,

I want to help,
I need to know,
Even when you feel down,
And all alone.

Hey,
OK looking back through this one, I realise how much of an influence my mum had on my opinion of dads girlfriend. How I let her control my thoughts and decisions about her, how I judged her and how I saw her in my own eyes.

Reading it now I can relate to why I felt like this, and I admit once I did feel this way about my dads girlfriend, and personally I believe I had good reason to. She was the one who had caused my mum and dad to split up. (or so I thought back then). I was young I had just had my family torn apart, I needed to put this blame on someone at least for a short while before I was able to go through it and deal with the truth and the facts which are basically 'it takes two to tango'.

This poem is horrible and I feel terrible now looking back at it, but I have to remember these are my feelings, and no matter how cruel, nasty or vindictive these are I have to accept them as something that is acceptable. They may be wrong now but once upon a time they were perfectly correct, I must remember that and keep that in my mind.

I'm bored of playing happy families,
Why cant people just let me be,

Your insecure selfish only think about yourself,
Hurt my dad and I'll make your life hell!

Hey,
There's a story behing this one When I first started having difficulty sleeping I tried all sorts to make me tired. One of which writing poetry, so I would be up til all hours of the morning writing poems. After a while I gave up writing poetry to try and get to sleep because I knew it didn't work.

Anyway this one poem was written one night when I couldn't sleep. I had this incredible urge to write, but I just couldn't think of anything to write about. I decided to go to the loo and look for inspiration on my way. I jumped out of bed and on my travels managed to kick over my bin. Everything fell out and one of the last things to fall out that was right at the very bottom was a tissue. After going to the toilet I went back to my room and sat down for ages trying to work out what I had used it for and I seriously couldn't remember, and then this poem was born....

Until now I hadnt read it for ages, but after talking things through with my counsellor and becoming bit more clearer on things I can totally relate to this tissue. I know that probably sounds daft, but the sixth stanza really moves something inside of me now. Sitting here I can relate it to mum and having to deal with all of her problems etc.
But the poem....

I look deep down,
Into your soul,
Digging furiously,
Like a hungry mole,

You don't know why,
You don't know where,
So never will,
Those thought's be shared,
So go back home,
To the bottom,
And be a tissue,
Everyone's forgotten.

Hey,
This was a poem I wrote when everything was kind of getting on top of me, it was about 3 years ago that I wrote this, before all the other things happened. I often wonder that if I had realised what it was I was feeling and perhaps got help back then whether things would have built up even more and got this bad?

Why,Why,Why,
That's all I ask,
All these happening's,
Should be left in the past,

No such thing,
If you ask me,
You just wait,
You'll soon see,

Hey,
I know I have updated twice already today, but I have nothing to do and I am waiting for tea so I thought I would come and add some poems and possibly some photo's aswell.

My poems are just a way of release, and lately for some reason I have been going back and revisiting some of the poems I have written, some of them are years old. Some are about me and what has gone on in my life and some are just random and about what ever was on my mind at the time.

I have a couple of favourites I suppose like any artist does, one of my favourites is one I have already posted 'The wind, the sun and the grass.' That one explains everything for me all in a nut shell. I was at one of my weakest/downest times then and it can be upsetting to remember how down I was, especially because there are times today when I still get like that and get that bad.

There are only a few people I have shown my poems to, the ones that aren't that personal I show to my family, my friends and a couple to my counsellor. Whereas the really personal ones have only been shown to a few close friends and thats it. I hope to show some of the more personal ones to the counsellor soon, when I get them together.

Some of my poems carry a mood in the words, sometimes it can be relaxing and other times it can be angry. In all honesty I havent written many anger fuelled poems but because of the things I am talking about with my counsellor and the way they are making me feel I am wanting to write 'anger' poems more and more.

I get times where I feel poetic, usually when I am very happy or the other extreme very low. When I am low and I want to get everything out onto paper and basically just see it there I write. This sometimes makes me feel better because I think "hey its not all bad I managed to get this pretty good poem out of being down". When I am happy and I want to capture that feeling again I write. Its like I am finally seeing everything in perspective and I just want to feel and stay that way for as long as possible and by enclosing that feeling in words I can have it with me forever.

So my poems are a way of escaping, a way of captivating certain feelings and perhaps most importantly a release of built up emotions.So thats why I write and thats why I am putting these poems on here for you to see, I hope you enjoy them and feel free to comment on them. xxxxxx

Hey,
Well I've just had the physio it took about 45 minutes which wasnt to bad. All I can say is ow!! It really hurt whilst she was working the torn muscles out. It felt like the were rubbing against each other and there was air trapped inside then after she rubbed them a few times they just popped out. It felt all grizzly and just kept cracking.

She said to me that apart from broken backs mine was the worst she had had to work on. She said I had done a pretty good job of it and it was a right mess.

BUT apart from it being extremely painful whilst she was doing it, it is feeling alot better now, the movement feels a bit more normal, the only thing is that it is aching like before. Its kind of hard to explain, the aching is different from the pain if that makes sense. The aching is just there, lingers and stops me from moving properly whilst the pain is caused by moving and it almost feels as though something is trapped and being pulled on whilst I move. So the aching is still there but the pain has almost gone apart from the odd things here and there.

She planned on doing it for an hour and a half but because of the extent of the damage she didnt want to do it all in one go because she said it would ache even worse and do more harm than good sooooo she is going to come again on thursday.

Even though it was extremely painful it was so relaxing. I carry so much in my head emotions wise, and I never realised it before but this weight seems to become physical after a while, therefore making my body (mostly my neck and back) ache. I have suggested to mum therefore that I have a back and neck massage once a month if possible and maybe more often during my exams, because it does relax me and I feel almost lighter in myself. Which is good

I am going to go and take some tablets then get on with the work I should have done at lunchtime (oops!).

Bye for now. xxxxxx

Hey,
Well yeh as the title suggests, today has been a good day so far. Just a couple of little things have come my way had some news here and there so it all adds up.

Firstly, lastnight my mum was looking through the holiday channels on sky, and she has decided to go on holiday quite soon, at first I was a little annoyed by this because she doesnt pay any attention to the fact that I have got my GCSE's coming up. I told her about this and she said well we would go in the Easter Holidays and I would have to take my revision with me. She plans on going for two weeks, which is good because I suppose I cold do with a rest, BUT during the Easter Holidays work is VERY BUSY, mum plans on booking the holiday about a week before so she gets a good deal, but this wont work out very well with work because they wont have enough time to find another waitress or Kp. So I will not be in their good books, I suppose all I can do is tell them I might be going away so they can keep their eyes out for new staff just in case. But I doubt I will never be forgiven and I wont live it down if I leave them in a rut in the easter holidays. But anyway to the point of todays first good bit of news, by mum has this ring that was her mums, its huge bulky and quite horrible in my opinion, Mum took it into the jewellers to get it valued, thinking it would only be worth about £50 she went to pick it up today and it turns out it is worth about £675 so mum said that would pay for part of the holiday so thats good. :-)

A while back I got a comment on my myspace from a girl saying that she thought we had the same prom dress. I wasnt to fussed about this because I just thought same dress different girl it wont matter, the only thing I was worried about was everyone trying to say who looked best in it. BUT today I showed her the photos on my phone and she said that hers is different, she has thicker straps, different material and a slightly different shade so thats another good thing today!!

Apart from that nothings happened so far. Its funny how two little things that dont really matter that much can have quite an effect on you when they happen or go right for a change!

My back has been aching terrbily today, becing back at school is having a real strain on it, I havent been wearing my rucksack I've been carrying all my folders in my hands and had a small over the shoulder bag, but being on my feet so much and also sitting on ridiculously uncomfortable chairs is not doing it any good. I've got my physio/massage tonight so hopefully that will help. I have been warned though that I will be seriously aching afterwards, I hope it isnt any worse than right now because I feel like I've been in a boxing match at the moment.

Anyway, I shouldnt have really been doing this I should have been doing coursework or something but oh well. Got ICT next so my back wont be very good, then the bus ride home oh yay it just gets better and better! Bells just gone so I'm off to registration. Will let you know how I get on with physio later if I can.

Bye for now xxxxx

Hey,
I was searching on google, for dome uplifting, pick me up sayings and quotes for a friend who is going through a rough patch at the moment and I cam across this, I thought it was really sweet and inspiring and certainly made me think and put things into perspective a bit:

"Life is hard. life is hard hard hard hard hard. but there are flowers and there are trees. there is rain and fields and sky. there is you and there is me and there are better days ahead, my friend. there are other days to find. hang in there."

Hey,
Well this update should no strike that WILL be shorter than the last one. I must say I felt so much better just getting all that off my mind and putting some bits 'to rest'. Theres even everyday things there that I just needed to tell someone or get out of my system so i could forget about them and carry on. I found that before I updated last time I kept saying to myself "Ooo make sure you update" and I was sort of making it become like a chore for myself.I have decided to make this an enjoyment and something that I can escape to in order to relax and do some good, rather than just add to the stress I already carry around with me.

I did feel alot better after having that long, ranting update so I guess this whole thing is beginging to pay off a bit.

My back is feeling a bit better, it was very sore yesterday for some reason, but it was better again this morning. Went into work at 11.30 had a party of 32 and a 4 which did not do my back any good at all, so I feel like I'm back to the beginining with it again now. Might be able to have another soak later so that might help. I'm running low on painkillers as well which isn't good! Will have to just start taking normal Ibruprofen and hope for the best!!

So I still havent done much thinking about things really, I suppose I have had the time but I'm just feeling vulnerable and weak enough physcially so I dont really need to have my mind and my thoughts all screwed up aswell. I think I'm going to go to school tommorrow, will have to carry my books because my rucksack is to heavy. Its so frustrating not being able to do things like that. It may sound stupid but another thing that annoys me so much is not being able to wear a bra, something so simple and something I take for granted everyday, but I cant do now because it pulls and puts a strain on my back.

I am already starting to get pent up anger and frustration which I cant release, because normally I do it physically, and even though I push myself physically until I am in pain when I am working out, its a different type and level of pain compared to what I am getting from my back. Its so annoying everything seems to be evolving around my back at the moment.

I have got quite a bit of school work that I should probably be doing, but I cant sit comofortably long enough to work on it, plus theres trying to concentrate which is like a task from hell! My brother needs to come on here in a minute so maybe I will take some more painkillers and pop up stairs and try and do some work, or at least get my school stuff together for tommorrow.

I have been extremely sad the last couple of days and have done nothing but surf and browse through Bebo, thats how bored I have truly become. Although saying that I did do some work yesturday to help with the Sex Education Advertising so I dont feel like a complete bum.

Right, my back is aching (suprise suprise) so I'm going to let my brother come on here and go and do some work if I can.

Bye for now xxxx

Hey,
Well I havent updated for well over a week now. There has been so much going on and theres so much I want to talk about. When I think about something or something happens I always think I must remember to write that in my blog, its got to the stage where theres so much for my little brain to remember I have made a list in my phone. Its all a bit higgldy piggldy though, so you will have to bear with me, its will be all over the place but I will try to make it as chronilogical as possible. [Goes and gets phone].

First of all before I start writing about everything else I am going to write about my 'current state' and something that happened only yesturday. Some people know that I go to trampolining on a Wednesday night, last night was no different and I went from 6.15 to 7.15. At about 7 I was straight bouncing and I felt my head fling back a little, it felt almost like whiplash, it didnt feel bad at all whilst on the trampoline, but I got off anyway. After a few seconds of being off the trampoline my back and neck was feeling very uncomfortable, it started knotting up,I was getting electric sensations down my spine and I had pins and needles. I didnt think it was bad, so didnt say anything. I decided not to bounce again and just waited for the session to end. I told the instructor and she said to just keep an eye on it. I got a lift back with Bex and we got home about 7.30. It started to get worse as the night went on, the pins and needles were hurting more, I was shaking alot and started to loose vision in my right eye. So my mum rang the hospital, they told her to phone an ambulance to get me taken to the hospital. Now our hospital is about an hours drive away. My mum said that she would take me in the car. As we got closer I started to get more shaky. I realised something could seriously be wrong when I couldn't move my right hand, I was putting so much energy into moving it and it wouldnt budge. I was talking like an idiot, I couldnt remember simple things like the name of a trampolining move, signs, directions the easiest stuff. I hated not being able to talk properly. When we got to the hospital we abandoned the car and went straight to A and E. I was in the waiting room and I completely lost the feeling in my right hand, when I was called I got up and my legs felt like jelly, I couldnt feel what they were doing. By now I was in tears, shaking like a leaf and just in a right state. They taped me to a stretcher and put a neck brace on, I was then put in a room to wait for the doctor...for 2 hours!! By now I had a migraine that was in full swing, I had had hints of it throughout the day, the odd prickiling in the face and the headache, but because I had tape across my forehead that made it worse. The doctor came in eventually and moved me onto my side he pushed points on my back and told me to mark out of 10 how much they hurt 1 being nothing 10 being the worst, they we're all between 6 and 8. I was in agony and I couldnt move. They suspected I had broken my back or my shoulder, and they explained that paralysis and brain damamge ( which explained my lack of memory and my speech difficulties on the way down) was a possiblity at this stage. I had to have x-rays which showed there were no broken bones. After the doctor felt around a bit more he said it felt like a trapped nerve and that I had torn muscles all down the right hand side of my back, causing the paralysis and vision problems on the right side of my body. I stayed there for another hour or so and they gave me some strong pain killers which helped. The doctor came back and said that I needed to move about because otherwise my back would seize and send my muscles into spasm. It took me about half an hour of pushing and pulling to get me sat up and another 15 minutes to get me stood. Again I was getting electric sensations up my spine. The doctor said there was nothing they could do and that I might as well go home with some painkillers. By this time it was about 1.45. I had been there nearly 5 hours was extremely tired and felt terrible. But I was discharged and told I might be needing some sports pysiotherapy. We didnt get home until about 3 because the weather was so bad and mum was driving carefully. We got home and I just totally crashed, fell into bed. My brother was with us the whole time so he was very tired aswell. We all lied in this morning until about 10.30 and I went to school late. I wish I hadnt gone because it just made me back ache so much. The doctor told me that I had to keep moving my neck and back to stop them from stiffening so I figured going to school would do that but like I said I wish I didnt. I dont think I will be going to school tommorrow. I just rang work to cancel tommorrow night work and my boss said that I am not to come in tommorow night, saturday night or do the cleaning on sunday morning but she would appreciate if I could do the lunch shift because we have about 40 people booked. I said thats fine because I should be feeling better by then. So thats the story about yesturdays drama. I am now feeling very stiff and my body wont stop aching, my legs are strained from shaking so much when I was in shock and I just feel tired and exhausted I hate it because I cant do everything I normally do walk up and down the stairs fast, carry my rucksack sleep, walk or sit comfortably, its very frusrating but I can only think how lucky I am. I nearly broke my back was told I could have been paralysed but I'm here aching and sore but alive. Now for the rest of the update:

Okay so the last time I posted (properly) was on tuesday after going to the doctors. I felt extremely mixed up, tired, exhausted and basically a wreck. I tried to keep my mind off it as much as possible, which helped a bit. Later on in the evening we went out to the pub.I wanted to get drunk, but was sensible and knew it would not be a good idea consdering the state I was in. I told a couple of people there the results of going to the doctor. Sarah (my best friend (ish)- will talk about her lately possibly.),my boss and my collegues husband. I got some good advice from my collegues husband, which was nice, he gave me his number and told me whenever I needed to talk to give him a text, ring or email. So its nice to know there are people there for me who are alot closer than I realised. My boss told me if I ever needed her I know where she is and Sarah said that its really strange that I had been to the dcotors because she had made an appointment for the friday to see the doctor about the exact same thing.

I managed to get my D.T. folder up to date during the half term and basically did everything I was able to at this stage in my course, which took a total of about 8 hours but its done now so thats good. On tuesday night I came home from first day back at school and spent about 6 and a half hours typing up all my english notes, took ages and was extremely boring but like the D.T its done. I was able to do other bits during last week so I just feel a little bit lighter. When it comes to thinking about school work anyway.

I stayed down my dads basically as long as I could, I couldn't really stay down there any longer than I did because I had to go to a workshop/class thing for an hour on Monday morning. I came home about 8 on Sunday night. I really didn't want to leave my dads I was terrible at work because I knew that the time to go home was getting closer, I had spent such a good week there, everything had gone well and there wasnt anything that was really bad (apart from the doctors but that would have been bad no matter where I was). It was so care-free, relaxed and fun. I had time to do my homework as well as go off riding the motorbike and driving the car. I got to spend alot of time with Scarlet over the last two weekends which was nice because I hadn't done anything with her for so long. My mum says to me "shouldn't you be doing your homework" but never gives me the time to we're always off doing something, and when I say I cant do it she just calls me lazy. As soon as I was back here within an hour or so I had sunk back into my horrible feeling, the thoughts were going through my head, the whole subject of feeling down filled the space in my brain.

Something interesting happened on Sunday night though, I was being overly hyper to keep myself going and to stop myself from sinking down. I said to my mum that I had a headache and she asked me again about what the doctor said. I said the same as what I had said before but also added that the doctor thinks it would be a good idea to see a counsellor. Mum just said if you need a counsellor we'll get you a counsellor. Your problem is that you take on everybody elses problems. She seems to think my boss has been talking to me about her problems. Which she has but not that in depth or to the stage where its affecting me. I felt like saying to her your such a hypocrite its you that has done all this in the first place, you cant have a go at my boss for doing something you have done much much worse and not even realised it. I was angry at that. But yeh I told her the doctor suggested it would be a good idea to see another counsellor. I just dont want to be here though, I hate it.

I have got to make the decision about seeing a counsellor, and for me its a hard one, it has taken me over 6 months to get to the stage where I am now with my current counsellor, and first of all it was really hard opening up to her, I couldnt tell her the true depths of my problems, but now I am able to do that. I can go into her room and just totally offload honestly and benificially. I don't know whether I can go through all that again, developing the relationship, the trust and telling 'my story' again. It was painful enough the first time around let alone having to bring it up again, and deal with it again. I just think that will be to hard, so thats one of the reasons I dont want to get different counselling. Its going to be a hard decision that at the moment I cant think about, because I have no energy and just cant seem to concentrate.

I spoke to Jen (my counsellor) on tuesday, we talked about the half term and about mum again. We have decided that I am going to talk about mums feelings, and her problems that she has told me about because I feel all my emotions and problems are buried under her layers or problems that she has used me to talk about.It seems strange going and talking to a counsellor about someone else, someone elses problems, how they feel and the emotions they are experiencing, but it does make sense and it may possibly help and to be honest Im willing to do anything that may give me hope at the moment. On saturday night my mum was in the pub and I just couldnt bring myself to talk to her, I just couldnt do it. I felt stupid and annoyed but I couldnt. I told this to Jen and she said she had noticed that when I talk about my mum she has a physical effect on me, my whole body squirms and twists and my fists clench. But hopefully by talking it through it will get better.

Monday was a busy day. I was exhausted by the end of it and feeling very tired which I was anyway. I woke up early (well earlier than I had been that week) and went into school (it was a teacher training day) for an hour long confidence and motivation workshop with this bloke who does alot of public and motivational speaking. He is very clever and helped me alot within that hour. We talked about motivation, stress, revision, concentration, confidence, self belief, relaxation and a few other things. He gave me his email address and told me to feel free to email him if I need help with something or have a question. He has made some podcasts about the topics we learnt about on the day and we can go and download them which I will do when I get a minute. After that session I helped my cousin move house, I never realised she had so much stuff. All together there was 6 of us but it still took a hell of a lot of work and a long time to get it all moved. I didnt stop from 11 til about 9.30. I was so tired and just came home and crashed. When I wasn't carrying boxes or furniture back and forward I was looking after one or both of the babies, so it was tiring!!

Last week marked a year since my grandads stroke, it didnt really effect me but I did have to go and see him on the day and make sure he was ok. I wasn't upset about it but definitely did some thinking about it. I tried to thin 'positive' and remember that he is still here and compared to some if truly blessed. It was still kind of hard though.

Its actually quite hard to see past this physical pain I am experiencing and think about the emotional side of things. I know before the accident so that would be monday and tuesday I was feeling horrible, the list was long tired, blurry, disconnected, vulnerable, tense, aching and just a wreck. My body was aching and my head was pounding. My body and mind seemed like it was going to burst. You know the feeling you get when you have a cold, all groggy and blocked up across your sinus's? well thats how I felt in my head and in my emotions as well as physically. My energy levels had hit the floor, especially after the first day back at school, I was unbelievably tired by about 12 and could have gone to sleep. I thnik I felt like my head and body was going to burst because I was so 'full up' of everything. I have noticed that people are starting to lean on me again because things are going wrong in their lives, and I just cant take it, I cant deal with it, but I also cant bring myself to say "Look I'm really sorry but I cant get enough energy and I cant get my head straight enough to help you" I think that seems selfish people keep telling me its not selfish and its simply preserving and looking after myself but I dont know.

Theres something I have been thinking about, more so recently than I think ever before. All I want is to be happy, relaxed and not feel down or depressed like I always seem to, yet when I imagine feeling this way and sometimes when I get my 'highs' it feels so uncomfortable, it doesnt feel right and feels totally unnatural. Its like I want to be happy but in a way and for some reason I dont want to be. I have sort of come to the conclusion that its what I want in the long term, but because I have so much to deal with and so much going on at the moment I wont want to feel like it straight away. Perhaps I need to be down and feeling like shit in order to deal with intense feelings and emotions that I sometimes have to. So maybe as time goes on and I deal with more things or start to get more help it will feel more natural and comfortable and I will actually want to feel that way.

Ive also been thinking the whole effect school has on me, but I am starting to get tired and my back is aching so I think I may have to write about that another time.

There are only some random things left to write about. I have been spending a ridiculous amount of money on credit the last couple of weeks so I think I may look into going on contract. It makes sense to do that or just cut down a bit. I'm on a pay as you go thing at the moment but everytime I top up by £10 a month I get 300 free texts a month which get my by for about 2 weeks. Yeh I definitely need to cut down!!

I've still got quite a bit of school work to do but I am going to leave it and do some over the weekend or when I am feeling a bit better, a bit connected and less drugged up on these painkillers. Another thing I forgot to mention about the painkillers is that there is one I take every eight hours, I have noticed it provokes my thoughts alot more, so its a bit of a battle fighting against the whole falling into thought about the wrong things thing. I dont want to stop taking them because they stop the pain in my back for about 4 hours so I guess I will just have to be careful in what I am doing or thinking about after I have taken them.

Anyways thats over a weeks worth of update, Im so sorry about how long it is, but I definitely needed that, I've done alot of thinking lately and did alot lastnight when I was taped to the bed and unable to move. Should be better soon, and I just gotta keep it in my head how lucky I am. Right I am going to do a few more things on the internet and then scoot off to bed get a very early night, which is what I need!!

Sorry if this is a bit all over the place or doesnt make sense at times, blame the painkillers and the tiredness!!

Thanks for reading (if you got this far!!) Bye for now xxxxx