Hey,
I REALLY shouldn't be sat here doing this, I don't have time!! It's 7.15 right now and I have quite a bit to do before bed, and I was planning on having an early night!! But anyway I'm here typing as rapidly as I can in order to do just a quick update.
Well, my weekend, yeh it was good. Was at my dad's therefore at home, I've changed it around now, whereas before it used to be I'm home during the week and at dads every other weekend its now I'm at mums all through the week and at home every other weekend. Its just such a shame its only one weekend every fortnight.
Managed to do a bit of driving with Scarlet, which like the other weekend was nice :-) I love spending time with her so much, I never thought I would develop a friendship so strong with someone so much younger than me. I know its only 5 years but most girls her age I don't get on with. I am so grateful for being able to have the friendship with her and I love her to bits.
My back has been bad the last few days, I had another massage on thursday, on friday it was aching and its has been aching all weekend but not as badly as friday. It's right at the bottom, and sort of under and behind my shoulder blades feel like something is trapped. I'm getting really fed up with it now, I can only imagine how it feels for people who have much more serious injuries and suffer for much longer.
Work wasnt very busy, apart from saturday, where we had quite a few, well more than normal anyway.
I spoke with Jen on thursday, she said I am looking alot better and alot 'lighter'. The thing is I really dont feel lighter emotions wise. I admit I have felt good in myself the past 5 or so days, but now I'm getting to the stage where I feel I am going to crash, and the weird thing is I'm not sure whether its I feel like I am going to crash or whether I should crash. Its like I want to for some reason I want to crash and be down. That sounds ridiculous and attention seeking but the honest truth is that I dont want any attention for it, because when I do feel down I totally withdraw myself, or I go to the other extreme and become very hyper in a bid to hide it from others. I am so confused right now, but I am just going to go with it, perhaps try my hardest to keep the downer at bay and then if I cant anymore just go with it and feel down. God I hate all this so much, one minute I feel in control because I feel like I am the one who decides when I feel down or not, but then the next minute BAM I'm down feeling like the dirt under peoples feet and not wanting to do sod all.
I am angry, writing this I am angry. I feel so much hate and anger for people, things, events and this, feeling so crap. I feel angry and then I get even angrier because this depression or whatever it is can make me angry in the first place. Circles, viscious circles is what my life seems to be at the moment, and these annoy and anger me. I need a way to just get all this shitty fucking feeling out. I just want to scream, I want to get out of this god damn house (mums) and just run and run and run, I dont want to stop. I just want to sleep and and never wake up. I want to fall into oblivion and never come back. Its not that I'm feeling suicidal or that I want to end my life, but god damn it I don't want to have to deal, cope and struggle through it anymore. I'm so fed up with it!!!!! I don't know whether this is simply because I have been unable to do any exercise for over a week now and that was originally my outlet for the anger or whether having to hold all this anger for a change has made me realise how much of it there really is. There's times when I can be staring into space, unaware of what I am thinking about, and come around feeling ready for a boxing match, it seems so stupid and childish to not be able to specifically know what makes me feel like this.
Anyway rant over I feel like I could carry on forever, but one I dont have time, two its basically the same thing over and over again, and three I dont want to bore you.
I got a small amount of schoolwork done this weekend, a practice maths paper and I re-read act one of 'An Inspector Calls'. Ooooooo Yeh I was on a total high on thursday. I got some exam results back, I was so proud of myself. I took these two exams in January, they were both for my Health and Social Care grade, one was 'Understanding personal growth and development' and the other was 'preparing food for clients'. I was extremely worried and thought I had done terribly I went to get my results and she said I had done badly and would have to do better, I panicked then, BUT I had got 85% on the personal development paper which is a Distinction and equivalent to an a. Which is the highest you can get (the distinction and a bit). On the other one I got 100%!!!!! Which again is a distinction and an a. I was soo happy I burst into tears!!
On friday I also made friends with someone I had fallen out with about 6 months ago, but I havent got time to go through all that.
Mum has gone to go and get some kebabs for tea/supper so will eat them and then crack on with more health and social care and R.E work. The R.E is due tommorow and the HSC is due tuesday!!
Oh well that wasnt really a quick update but oh well its now 7.40!! I'm going to go and send an email then scoot!! Honest!!
xxxxx
