Hey,
Well I really shouldn't be here again, but I am I feel I need to just have a break. I have been doing some work so will just come on here for a minute or two. I'm not sure why I am trying to justify this because I don't really need to.
As those of you who looked at my 'To do list' can see I have alot of work this week, I was trying to be a little bit more organised. So I made the list, I usually have lists all over the place and always have one in my wallet or pocket. I have some for schoolwork, some for general things and some for 'chores'.
Anyway, I kind of scared myself this time because for a change I decided to write how much time I would take on each one, now what I tried to do was the maximum time I think it will take me per task. So the maximum should be 10 hours 40 minutes. Even though when I sit down I dont really follow any schedule or plan, I just sit down get on with it and do as much as I can.
I've just been doing the Health and Social Care, part of the distinction bit. I only have the comparing left to do, which should be easy but I am totally baffled on it. I am going to just give it a go and see what she says, and correct whatever is wrong. I am in the mood to do it so I might as well crack on with it.
I have been drifting off into my own little thoughts alot today, more than usual, well more than the last couple of days anyway. The thoughts going through my head were basically how much anger I am feeling. I never knew I had it all in me, and I guess I have never contained so much all at one time before because I have 'exercised' it off. I am still in the 'I just want to run' state of mind. I keep wanting to just scream I can't do it' because I cant!! I appreciate people caring for me telling me it will get better, but when I feel like this there is nothing anybody can say that will turn it around. What makes it worse is that I know things will get better, they always do for a couple of days, then they go bad again, but there are those few days where I am happy.
I am so annoyed because Thursday and Friday I was so happy, and now this anger has made me just wrapped up, mixed up, confused and just blurgh!!!!! I cannot sit still, I just have to bop my leg up and down, nod my head or just tap my hand. As my thoughts get deeper or more controlled by my anger I notice a change in my behaviour, I become truly aggressive being horrible to people, making comments that could be hurtful.
I don't want to be that person, I don't want to be me. I hate this person, I disgust myself, I anger myself, I make myself feel physically sick. I hate myself, not as much as I hate my mum, but I really do hate myself, and the specific reasons why I dont know. There are so many mixed up fucked up things that just make me not want to know me. If I was somebody else I wouldnt want to be friends with this messed up, horrible, spiteful self centred girl that I call myself.
Its only been the last week or two where I have had to hold this anger, and its now started bubbling up and showing its true colours, I realise how many things I have hatred and anger against, and I dont want to. Obviously I dont want to hate myself, you see it plastered everywhere you have to love yourself before anyone else can. I don't want my opinions of my friends to change with the flick of a switch. I don't want to say things to the people I love upset them and not know why I said it.
I am so confused by this whole thing, this feeling, this anger, depression, hate. Basically life, and I say it again I don't want to do it anymore. I wish there was a way out, an 'I quit' button or a 'Get out of jail free card' where it just all disappears. Where none of it ever happened and where everything is always perfect, okay so you wouldn't learn from your mistakes but who would need to when nothing went wrong in the first place. I feel so pathetic dreaming of these perfect little worlds, that will never ever happen.
God I hate this.....so.....so.....so.....much.....
