I'm only human.

Hey,
This is another mind map, alot more recent, very recent infact- I did it last night! Anger is what I'm feeling and is what is making me at the moment. So I tried to break it down a bit- like I have done here in a way. I am going to show this to Jen next time I see her- whenever that is now. This one is very hard to read parts of- sorry.

http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a399/ebonyrose85/Blog%20Pics/img039.jpg

Hey,
I did this a while ago, well the end of last year probably November sort of time. It might be a bit difficult to read but hopefully you can see and read it. It was basically everything I was feeling, everything was gettin on top of me, I thought that would be the lowest I could get, but the last few days have proved that assumption wrong.

http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a399/ebonyrose85/Blog%20Pics/img038.jpg

Hey,
Okay I'm writing this and I have no idea why, I don't feel like I want to write this but I do feel like I need to write it.

I just want to scream, everythings so 'up in the air' at the moment. Its just so arghhhhhhhhh. I can't explain, and at the moment it seems to difficult to work out every little piece of it because that will just crack me and tip me over the edge.

So many little things and so many bigger thoughts have run through my head the last few days. There's been so much going on and its made me have to break out of my little routine, which I hate. I plan my day I plan each little bit of it whenever and wherever I can, and when it gets all broken and mixed up I feel like I'm swimming amoungst it all and just drowning in it.

I went to an R.S (religious studies) conference on Monday, it was a long boring day (what with travelling and stuff) but it was interesting and I learnt some new things about Ethics and ethical theories. It made me think about my future and perhaps what I want to do when I am older which I guess is good.

But there was one bit that freaked me out. The lecturer was talking about hapiness and desire, he refered to the mirror in Harry Potter the one in which he finds, looks into and see's his parents. Dumbledore explains that the mirror shows the deepest desires of the heart. SO the lecturer got us to visualise the mirror in front of us. We all had our eyes closed and he started to describe things around us to put us into the scene. He then asked us to imagine ourselves looking into it, and to think about what we can see. I saw nothing, not me just an empty room and the space where I was standing staring back at me. This confused me and basically spun me out.

Why was I seeing this? After thinking about it I thought that I have recently started to view myself as nothing. Someone that doesnt matter, isn't worth the world or anything in it, has nothing to give and basically doesnt exist. I have also recently been thinking what it would be like to truly not exist, to not be around to not have a life at all, and it seemed better than what I am living now. So maybe my desire is to be nothing, to not exist. I know without having to imagine looking into that mirror that I don't want to be here and that if I could end my life without hurting anyone and I could be sure it would work then I would do so, but I would hurt the one person I love with all my heart and more than anyone in the world, there is also no guarantee it would work, and I dont particularly want to be around to have to explain why I tried to do it in the first place.

I wish everytime I sighed that just at least one small part of all this would disappear with that breath of air. God dammit I am so frustrated by all this, by being down, by being weak. In the past i have done things like mind maps and stuff, which just dump it all onto a page. I have got them in the back of my diary so will scan them into my computer and put them on here.

I felt like I had so much to say and now I just cant think what it was. I am really feeling run down and totally burnt out and I know this because my mouth has become a mess, its sounds stupid but when I am stressed, down and just exhausted I get ulcers in my mouth I also get places in my mouth that seem to be like sores. I have also broke out in spots which is another sign things are crap.

I am pissed off, I was hoping to see Jen today but she only had one session free and had meetings all day, so I couldnt. We decided that I would have an appointment on Thursday instead so I was like great I can talk at last, get everything out- BUT I am fucked right off because I just remembered I have got an all day first aid course on thursday that I cannot miss because I need to do it in order to pass my unit of my Health and Social Care course. So I will either have to ask her really really nicely and hope she can do it at lunch time or wait until next tuesday, which I know I can do (with great difficulty) but would prefer not to. I just feel like I'm running myself into the ground I want to punch something!!

Why am I here again?? Why am I at rock bottom?? I thought I was past this- I thought I was on my way, I hadnt told anyone but I thought things were getting better. I didn't want to get my hopes up and I didn't but its still fucking gutting and totally fucking annoying when I get down here again. I hate feeling like the ground underneath peoples feet, and the worse thing is I am the one who puts myself down there. If I was a fucking real person, a decent person, who wasn't just a little weak girl I would be able to stop myself getting this fucked up and I would have been able to deal with things to begin with. I hate myself so much for that. I hate myself so much for everything. All the things I have done, trouble I have caused, lives I have ruined. God I am just so spiteful and evil. I just take hurt and pain and bad things everywhere I go, its like I am cursed. Why am I so stupid,why cant I be normal why cant I be like everyone else who seem to have such perfect lives. I dont even want my life to be perfect I just want some sort of life that isnt controlled by all this shit.

I hate me.I hate myself so much, more than I can explain or express. I hate my mind- fucked up, confusing, full of unknowns, does and thinks what it wants, uncontrolable. I hate my body, the way I look, just disgusting, plain, I wish I could be like people who dress and look great there hair looks perfect, their figures are amazing and their clothes are so perfectly selected and combined to complete an outfit and overall a gorgeous look. I want to look nice and people to mean it when they compliment me.

I feel worthless, I am shit. All I do is dump my crappy problems on people who are friends, I find it hard to help them back and then feel guilty because they have been there for me so much, and its like I cant stand to help them. Its pathetic. I'm pathetic.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGBVGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I CANT FUCKING DO THIS
I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DO THIS
WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS?
I FUCKING HATE THIS
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??

God I could fucking lamp something so fucking hard right now, I just want to run into a beautiful sunset and run away from it all. I have done it this long why cant God or whoever the hell controls all this fucking fucked up shit give me a fucking break.

I am so angry, I just want to burst I want to fucking explode I cant control this. I've just started crying and I just dont want to stop. I cant take this anymore its not fair!

And in an hour I've got to pretend all this is fine, put my mask on and play pretend, I'm happy. I've got to be strong for my brother when he gets back from hospital and his operation. I wouldn't do it for anyone else, but I have to for him. I am such a dissapointment to everyone, I have let so many people down. What the fuck am I?

Jesus I cant work this out. I wish I could just let it all go.
Right now dying just seems the perfect way to hapiness. I dont even want fucking hapiness now, all I know is that I just dont want this.