I'm only human.

Hey,
About a year ago, I started to save lots of icon's to use in my online diary, msn and forums and stuff. I just decided to look back through them. It's suprised me a little, I've grown up and sort of got a grip on how I really feel, which at the moment is shit. But anyway I deleted the ones that I feel dont really apply anymore and have kept the ones that still help me express how I'm feeling. I've decided to put some of them on here:

Okay, this one just sums me up completely at the moment. I feel lost, I feel disconnected with the everything. I feel like the whole of the world is passing me by, in a blur and I just cant do anything to keep up with it. I feel like I am in unknown territory yet I've been here so many times before. I don't know where I am anymore, in life, in my thoughts. It's all just....gone.

This is how I feel when I am at my lowest, which happens to be right now and has been the last week or so. It's been a bad time lately and the thought of just leaving it all...dieing. Doesnt seem so bad. It gets so hard, I wish at times I was still a baby, I could curl up and I wouldnt have experienced everything, I wouldn't be having these feelings running through my head and all these problems running through my body. I want to be care-free but all the things going on just sit so heavy and it feels like its going to take forever to make them light again.

This seems to be all I am asking myself at the moment- how long before it goes away? How much longer have I got to do this?? I dont know how much more of this pain I can take, its to hard and its pushing me down further and further. I'm scared that one day I'm not going to come back.

Good god this one is incredible is sums up so much in a few lines of text,thats exactly what I want to do, escape, run from it all but where can I go what can I do?? I really cant stand it, I'm getting to breaking point and I am so worried about what's going to actually happen when I break, will I be able to control it?

It's not everyday, it's just everytime I get low, I get lower. I get dragged down to this place its deeper down, my thoughts are more intruding and concerning, and it takes so much more to get back up again. It's getting harder and harder and I just want to know how much more harder is it going to get before it becomes easy, and will it ever become easy?

God the amount of times I hear people say 'Time, time will make things better' 'Things will work out in time'. I know they are only trying to help but how much god damn longer is it going to be?? It's been between 4 and 5 years now. How much longer am I going to have to do this and will I come out the other side??

I have found recently that this is exactly what I have been doing, when the day ends and I settle down for another restless night, I find myself saying to myself 'well thats one down' or ' thats another one I've got through'. It's not like I'm counting down the days to anything in particular its just, by getting through another day I guess it gives me something to hold on to, even if I find it hard to believe anything will come of it.

Nothing is what I have truly become, I feel like I am no longer human, no longer real in this world, I am just someone who lives waiting for the next downer and then waiting again to get back up. I dont want to be me, I hate myself and its getting difficult to just live with myself.

The times I have fantisised about this! How amazing would it be? I don't mean the invisible when you sneak into somewhere and find out the gossip, I mean just being invisible to everything, I often wonder by being invisible to do still live through things that happen, do you still feel the pain or are you in some way invincable to it??

Its so hard to explain, I feel the opposite to this, I dont want to kill myself but I want to die. It doesn't make sense until you feel it, its even confusing to me and I'm the one experiecing it and trying to work it out. I want to die, I dont want to do this anymore but I cant deal with the consequences and I cannot leave the most important young man in my life alone in this world.

Hey,
This post is going to be about something quite exciting (for me anyway) and its something good that has happened for a change in my life.

So the story begins with my local radio station, they are holding a competition for the Best Teacher in Cornwall Award. I have this teacher at my school is one of the most amazing women I have ever come across. She is unbelievably caring, she has helped me through some very tough times, which I couldnt have done without her. She genuinely cares for her students, asking if people are ok and how they are feeling and actually waiting for an answer. You always hear her in the corridor telling people who are having a bad day for whatever reason "You know where I am" and "My office is always open", and she really means it aswell! If she cannot help you or is busy and cannot stop and talk you can guarantee she will organise a time when she can. She brightens up the corridors with her huge smile and cheery hello's. She treats all her students equally and doesnt judge them, she gives them the time to build their own status instead of using her first impressions. She doesn't demand respect like many teachers do she simply goes by the rule that if a student respects her then she will respect them back, if a student decides to be disrespectful then they shouldn't expect her to respect them. Overall she is an absoultely fantastic, incredible, inspirational woman who I look up to so much. I feel priviliged and lucky to have been able to to have the wonderful oppurtunity to have her in my life.

So, I nominated her. I sent an email off to the radio station basically saying all of the above and perhaps more, on tuesday. I left my contact details as I was asked and thought nothing more of it. On wednesday morning, in my first lesson, I had a missed call on my phone and I recognised the number as that of the radio station. I was rather miffed I had missed the phone call, but decided if they wanted me they would phone again. During second lesson, I saw the teacher who I had entered poke her head in around the door, she had the hugest grin on her face I had ever seen, she asked me to come outside and said "What have you done?" So I explained exactly what I had done and told her she really deserves it. She had found out from another teacher who had heard my email being read out on the radio that morning and she told this teacher it was me who had written it, which meant she came and found me.

So we were stood outside my english class, and she also told me that a parent of one of the pupils had come into school, because they had also heard it, and they said the email was well written and that the email and the teacher nominated was a real credit to the school. After telling me this she was started to get all emotional, she started to go very red, then she asked what we had lied about in the email to make her sound so good. After reassuring her it was all the truth I told her some of the key bits, this was just to much for her and the burst into tears. I didn't quite know what to do, and I was starting to well up aswell in the end we just hugged and I said I hope you get it. She replied by saying it doesnt matter if she gets it or not, the nomination and the comments made were enough.

So, when I got home lastnight, having pushed this whole thing to the back of my mind for a bit, the phone rang. It was about 20 to 5 and it turned out to be the radio! They wanted me to go on air and basically tell everyone what I had said in the email. I agrred and they told me they would ring back in about an hour. That hour was the most nerveracking I think I have ever had! When the phone call arrived I darted upstairs, I was chatting to the presenter and was then put on hold for a few minutes. At this stage I started to think about what I was going to say. Now I dont tell many peope this but I stammer sometimes, and it gets even worse when I am nervous. SO i decided in the few minutes I was on hold to grab my notepad and write down basically what I had said in the email. This gave me a starting point if I just froze up.

I went on air and did my bit it was only a few minutes but I actually enjoyed it and was glad that everyone could hear first hand how amazing this teacher is.

My friend recorded me on her phone, and this morning we went and let the teacher listen, again she was in tears but very happy and just couldn't stop thanking us!

The results come out at 7.10 on monday morning so I plan to get up early and listen to see whether she has won or not. I will be a bit dissapointed if she doesnt win, but I am so proud of her and I am so glad that she has finally been recognised for all her help and acheivement.

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