Hey,
Well this post is probably going to be all over the place (like it said in the title) its going to be a random update of everything the last few days I guess, which could be its going to be very long! :-/ Its everything thats happened, things that are going to happen and everything in my head. I need to get it out, its feels like its all bubbling up and its going to boil over any minute, and its healthier to let it all out here, than keep it in and use all my energy (which I havent got alot of at the moment) on a total breakdown and getting back up again.

It feels like forever since I last updated properly, I cant remember when it was, so there might be some repetative stuff on here.

First of all, my teacher didnt get that award, which was kind of dissapointing but she knows how much we love her, even if the judges dont think she is the best we sure as hell know she is! She really appreciated the fact that we just took time out to nominate her in the first place, and she said she's never been competitive anyway. So yeh I guess she's still happy about that.

I am so tired, which is ridiculous really considering what I did lastnight. I got home around 4 from school. I had a horrible headache and was so scared that it was going to get worse and become a migraine. I can totally understand why my body would give me one, with everything going on and the stress its under, but I just needed to prevent it. So I was trying to get to sleep, this didnt work because my brother and mum needed help with something on the computer so I had to get up and come down, by now it was sort of 4.30. I knew I had to get some sleep or at least some rest as soon as I could and try and relax the headache away. So I came on the computer for about 15 minutes, did a few emails checked a few things, then at 5.00 I had a bath which was very relaxing, then about 5.15 I had some tea. Then I was in bed in my PJ's by about 5.30 I put a film on then fell asleep after that, I slept right through so I must have needed it! I think that is the most sleep I have had in one night for over 3 months now! I am feeling a little better for it, have found it a bit easier to do regular things, although my concentration is still totally up the creek but yeh a little better which is good.

I am feeling better from my last post, I havent re-read it but I think I might in a minute I just know that I was really down then and was in somewhere very dark and very low. I guess the last two days have been where I have picked myself up a bit, I talked to Jen yesturday morning which was good, I really needed it. My next appointment will now be after the easter holidays, the fact that I wont see her for a few weeks now is kind of scary!

I have the follow-up doctors appointment on friday. I had completely forgotten about it up until last thursday. I am nervous, but also feel calm about it. I am worried that mum will be coming with me, which frustrates me because its the same thing as last time!!! I made a hair appointment for 2.45, and I am working on friday afternoon so I have to finish work at 2.30 get mum to give me lift into town so I can have my hair cut, then I have to mooch around town until about 5.00. I will then go to the doctors and will get a lift home with Bex afterwards. The plan seemed to be working brilliant until I got home today when mum said she has to do something with her car at 3.30 so she can give me a lift home, I was like no its fine Bex is giving me a lift. She seemed a little stressed but I dont want her there. I've got this horrible feeling she will do something or change something so that she ends up being at the doctors the same time as me. Argh my god that would be so bad. I dont know why I am worrying because my teacher has rung the nurse again to say that I dont want mum there so she will call me in on my own but mum will still be stupid and uptight about it. Argh do I worry about it or just go with the flow and hope and pray for the best? God I dont know...

I now have something to look forward to after my exams- a holiday. Morroco for two weeks leave on the 6th of july and return on the 20th. Will be so relaxing and just cant wait, I've booked the time off work and everything. I just want to be there now, in the sun, so relaxed so calm and care free. I just hope I can go two weeks without getting one of my stupid spells. I know when I last went abroad, which was Tunisia in october 2005 I didnt want to come back. We only went for a week, but it was so wonderful out there, nobody knew me, it was like I could forget all my problems. I was so happy out there and then I came home and I had never been so down before in all my life. Obviously I have been worse since but I was so upset about leaving. I had the perfect little life I had been dreaming of for a week and then I had to come home to a life that was miserable and just made me unhappy. But yeh two weeks morroco, just want to get the exams over with and get on with things like my birthday, my birthday party, getting my bike on the road and going on holiday!

There has been one thing, or rather one person bringing me down lately, and it has been truly horrible. It has reminded me of the time I was seriously bullied two years ago. I was physically bullied, in lessons, around the playground and out of school nothing was ever done about it and my mum never believed me, not even when I came home with blood pouring from my nose as a result of having it smashed against some goal posts in P.E. Anyway the past few days there has been this one girl. I have helped her so much the past few months, she has been getting behind in school work so I have lent her mine to help her, sat down gone through it made plans and given her guides, she split up from her boyfriend and I literally let her cry on my shoulder in the toilets. I have been there for her when I needed someone myself. So the story goes she split up with her boyfriend and moved on to another lad about 4 or 5 days later. She seems to think I have spread it all around school, she knows me better than that it just isnt my style and is isnt something I would do! But as a result she is being pathetic, bitchy and simply nasty.
She thought it would be funny to send me lots of emails with insults in them. I tried my hardest to ignore them, I only responded to one of them. It hurt what she was saying, because she was my friend and she did know me pretty well she knows what makes me tick what winds me up and what upsets me, so she feels the need to call me names like 'fat,ugly bitch' whenever she gets the chance and she seems to have fun talking about things like strokes, breast cancer and car accidents. She really does know what gets to me and is using it to her advantage. She just wants to screw me over and it isnt fair. She has made me cry several times the last few days which is horrible, it takes alot to make me cry, and alot more to make me cry at school or even in class. Which is why whenever I think I am going to to cry I ask to go to the toilet and breakdown there. So yeh this girl is being horrible and getting me pretty down.

Okay so the last fornight has been a bit hard, no actually it hasnt its been one of the hardest times I've ever had to drag my sorry ass through. But I have noticed something which is scaring me a little. I havent told anyone this, but they are there again, those little thoughts, everytime I e.a.t. Its so stupid I dont want to be confused again, I dont want to slip down into it again. I wouldnt say its like it was before but its becoming more significant in my thoughts. Wondering whether foods are good for me, going without food at lunchtime, because I just dont want to eat. My mum said something last week that totally threw me off balance, she said I was looking really skinny and slim, and asked whether I was being sick after meals because I always seem to 'disappear' to the toilet after meals, which is total bollocks and she knows it is. But I dont think I look skinny at all, if anything I look the opposite. I weighed myself at my dads after I got out of the shower just over 8 stone. Thats not underweight in my opinion and if you were to do a B.M.I for my height or whatever I think you would find I was either 'normal' or 'overweight'. I kind of blame my mum for bringing it up, and I cant remember whether I had been having these thoughts again before or after mum mentioned it.

I have been drinking ribena like crazy the last week or so, it seems to give me a little buzz which sometimes I need to perk me up during the day. Really strong Ribena I can drink it by the pint and it doesnt give me a headache which I guess is also good.I hate getting tired by 12 everyday. I feel like some old person that needs an afternoon nap, Jen has said it can be expected with whats going on for me but I still feel like some sort of retard because of it. I've tried everything from buzz gum, vitamins, supplements, trying to sleep more, doing less work, winding down and changing my diet. It sucks, other people in school my age start actually waking up at 12.00 whereas I feel like I'm dozy and like I've just got out of bed all day and it gets worse by the afternoon.

I have quite a bit to do at the moment. I managed to get my maths coursework done, I think its all ok, if not I will be given it back to do some final corrections, its well tight because we were told the final final deadline for maths coursework was tommorow so I rushed to get it all done, and it wasnt the final final deadline they lied! So there was no need for me to get all stressed out and spend god knows how long on it!! But I guess its all done with now!

Sooooo they easter holiday begin officially as of 2.30 tommorow! Which I'm looking forward to. Going to get a lot of my revision materials prepared, condense notes, make mind maps, write cue cards etc, do a few things for some friends and hopefully get some extra hours in at work because I need the money! Even though we break up tommorow I am going into school on Thursday to do some practical work on my Design Technology project, I dont know when its due in but its pretty soon! I still have one bit to make, two bits to sand down and all of it to paint! I am going into town tommorow after school so I can buy my paints then hopefully! I am getting a lift in with my teacher on thursday because she has to take her son to school and she offered to give me a lift which is nice. I am glad I have her as a teacher she is really nice. We seem to have a good reputation for caring teachers :-) Its nice.

Sooo what else is there? I've done the holiday, the dodgy thoughts, the girl being nasty, school work, easter holiday plans, doctors appointment,stupid energy levels, teacher not gettin the award, early night last night.

I think thats it for now, there is probably more which my stupid memory has decided to forget but for now buh-bye.

xxxxxx