I'm only human.

Hey,
God I hate it so much when people just expect you to be so much. Do this do that be this be that get this get that achieve this acheive that. You will do this that and the other. It makes me so angry, if I want to do something I will do it, that will be enough motivation for me I dont need everyone pushing me to do well, if I want to succeed I will, if I want to fail in everything I do I will stop trying and stop worrying so much. Basically this poem is about just that, all the demands people seem to want from you, they wont let you just get on with it on your own, most of the time the only thing holding you back is their fear that something will go wrong or that you wont do well enough.

Its like take everything you get for just being a teenager,add in a bit of whatever else goes wrong in your life plus all the pressures of exams, success, family and friends and jesus you've got a recipe for disaster. I'm doing really well at school, and I guess I'm proud for turning my life around (academically) and getting school reports that basically allow the sun to shine out of your ass. But I'm begining to wish I'm a e/d grade student with less expectations and pressure to do well. Its like by getting good grades all the time your not doing yourself any favours at all because your just setting records, targets and limits you have to live up to, especially because you set them yourself, so you've shown you can do it once so its stupid to not be able to do it again. So yeh you may have guessed but if you havent, I'm feeling extremely stressed and pressured by school. I never realised it til now but I am. I've got to work on that, because even when there are no coursework deadlines, no exams coming up or any homework to do I still feel stressed and pressured by school, thats not normal surely when there is nothing to be stressed out about?? Jeesh its confusing. Anywho heres the poem...

Be a good girl,
Get good grades,
Be a star,
That never fades,

I am my own person,
Its my life to lead,
I want to decide,
Who I want to be!

Hey,
This poem isn't all deep and meaningful, its just about my little brother and he means more to me than anything in the whole wide world He is and always will be my best friend I love him more than anything and anyone. I have written another one but it is in my journal and I havent typed it up yet, but when I find it and type it I will post it. For now here's just the one...

Richard is his name,
Here he is again,
Trying to cause a fight,
That will go on through the night,
Even though,
I love him so,
We always disagree,
But where would I be without him and
Where would he be without me?

Hey,
I'm on a role tonight with all these poems, not in the mood for delving deep into my thoughts but just needing some sort of release. What with not being able to exercise and everything

So this poem was written about a year and a half ago. I just wanted to get all these confusing feelings I was experiencing out on paper.I have used part of the Why? poem to begin it.

So many questions,
The answers denied,
Feelings exposed,
We both cant hide,

I want to help,
I need to know,
Even when you feel down,
And all alone.

Hey,
OK looking back through this one, I realise how much of an influence my mum had on my opinion of dads girlfriend. How I let her control my thoughts and decisions about her, how I judged her and how I saw her in my own eyes.

Reading it now I can relate to why I felt like this, and I admit once I did feel this way about my dads girlfriend, and personally I believe I had good reason to. She was the one who had caused my mum and dad to split up. (or so I thought back then). I was young I had just had my family torn apart, I needed to put this blame on someone at least for a short while before I was able to go through it and deal with the truth and the facts which are basically 'it takes two to tango'.

This poem is horrible and I feel terrible now looking back at it, but I have to remember these are my feelings, and no matter how cruel, nasty or vindictive these are I have to accept them as something that is acceptable. They may be wrong now but once upon a time they were perfectly correct, I must remember that and keep that in my mind.

I'm bored of playing happy families,
Why cant people just let me be,

Your insecure selfish only think about yourself,
Hurt my dad and I'll make your life hell!

Hey,
There's a story behing this one When I first started having difficulty sleeping I tried all sorts to make me tired. One of which writing poetry, so I would be up til all hours of the morning writing poems. After a while I gave up writing poetry to try and get to sleep because I knew it didn't work.

Anyway this one poem was written one night when I couldn't sleep. I had this incredible urge to write, but I just couldn't think of anything to write about. I decided to go to the loo and look for inspiration on my way. I jumped out of bed and on my travels managed to kick over my bin. Everything fell out and one of the last things to fall out that was right at the very bottom was a tissue. After going to the toilet I went back to my room and sat down for ages trying to work out what I had used it for and I seriously couldn't remember, and then this poem was born....

Until now I hadnt read it for ages, but after talking things through with my counsellor and becoming bit more clearer on things I can totally relate to this tissue. I know that probably sounds daft, but the sixth stanza really moves something inside of me now. Sitting here I can relate it to mum and having to deal with all of her problems etc.
But the poem....

I look deep down,
Into your soul,
Digging furiously,
Like a hungry mole,

You don't know why,
You don't know where,
So never will,
Those thought's be shared,
So go back home,
To the bottom,
And be a tissue,
Everyone's forgotten.

Hey,
This was a poem I wrote when everything was kind of getting on top of me, it was about 3 years ago that I wrote this, before all the other things happened. I often wonder that if I had realised what it was I was feeling and perhaps got help back then whether things would have built up even more and got this bad?

Why,Why,Why,
That's all I ask,
All these happening's,
Should be left in the past,

No such thing,
If you ask me,
You just wait,
You'll soon see,

Hey,
I know I have updated twice already today, but I have nothing to do and I am waiting for tea so I thought I would come and add some poems and possibly some photo's aswell.

My poems are just a way of release, and lately for some reason I have been going back and revisiting some of the poems I have written, some of them are years old. Some are about me and what has gone on in my life and some are just random and about what ever was on my mind at the time.

I have a couple of favourites I suppose like any artist does, one of my favourites is one I have already posted 'The wind, the sun and the grass.' That one explains everything for me all in a nut shell. I was at one of my weakest/downest times then and it can be upsetting to remember how down I was, especially because there are times today when I still get like that and get that bad.

There are only a few people I have shown my poems to, the ones that aren't that personal I show to my family, my friends and a couple to my counsellor. Whereas the really personal ones have only been shown to a few close friends and thats it. I hope to show some of the more personal ones to the counsellor soon, when I get them together.

Some of my poems carry a mood in the words, sometimes it can be relaxing and other times it can be angry. In all honesty I havent written many anger fuelled poems but because of the things I am talking about with my counsellor and the way they are making me feel I am wanting to write 'anger' poems more and more.

I get times where I feel poetic, usually when I am very happy or the other extreme very low. When I am low and I want to get everything out onto paper and basically just see it there I write. This sometimes makes me feel better because I think "hey its not all bad I managed to get this pretty good poem out of being down". When I am happy and I want to capture that feeling again I write. Its like I am finally seeing everything in perspective and I just want to feel and stay that way for as long as possible and by enclosing that feeling in words I can have it with me forever.

So my poems are a way of escaping, a way of captivating certain feelings and perhaps most importantly a release of built up emotions.So thats why I write and thats why I am putting these poems on here for you to see, I hope you enjoy them and feel free to comment on them. xxxxxx

Hey,
Well I've just had the physio it took about 45 minutes which wasnt to bad. All I can say is ow!! It really hurt whilst she was working the torn muscles out. It felt like the were rubbing against each other and there was air trapped inside then after she rubbed them a few times they just popped out. It felt all grizzly and just kept cracking.

She said to me that apart from broken backs mine was the worst she had had to work on. She said I had done a pretty good job of it and it was a right mess.

BUT apart from it being extremely painful whilst she was doing it, it is feeling alot better now, the movement feels a bit more normal, the only thing is that it is aching like before. Its kind of hard to explain, the aching is different from the pain if that makes sense. The aching is just there, lingers and stops me from moving properly whilst the pain is caused by moving and it almost feels as though something is trapped and being pulled on whilst I move. So the aching is still there but the pain has almost gone apart from the odd things here and there.

She planned on doing it for an hour and a half but because of the extent of the damage she didnt want to do it all in one go because she said it would ache even worse and do more harm than good sooooo she is going to come again on thursday.

Even though it was extremely painful it was so relaxing. I carry so much in my head emotions wise, and I never realised it before but this weight seems to become physical after a while, therefore making my body (mostly my neck and back) ache. I have suggested to mum therefore that I have a back and neck massage once a month if possible and maybe more often during my exams, because it does relax me and I feel almost lighter in myself. Which is good

I am going to go and take some tablets then get on with the work I should have done at lunchtime (oops!).

Bye for now. xxxxxx

Hey,
Well yeh as the title suggests, today has been a good day so far. Just a couple of little things have come my way had some news here and there so it all adds up.

Firstly, lastnight my mum was looking through the holiday channels on sky, and she has decided to go on holiday quite soon, at first I was a little annoyed by this because she doesnt pay any attention to the fact that I have got my GCSE's coming up. I told her about this and she said well we would go in the Easter Holidays and I would have to take my revision with me. She plans on going for two weeks, which is good because I suppose I cold do with a rest, BUT during the Easter Holidays work is VERY BUSY, mum plans on booking the holiday about a week before so she gets a good deal, but this wont work out very well with work because they wont have enough time to find another waitress or Kp. So I will not be in their good books, I suppose all I can do is tell them I might be going away so they can keep their eyes out for new staff just in case. But I doubt I will never be forgiven and I wont live it down if I leave them in a rut in the easter holidays. But anyway to the point of todays first good bit of news, by mum has this ring that was her mums, its huge bulky and quite horrible in my opinion, Mum took it into the jewellers to get it valued, thinking it would only be worth about £50 she went to pick it up today and it turns out it is worth about £675 so mum said that would pay for part of the holiday so thats good. :-)

A while back I got a comment on my myspace from a girl saying that she thought we had the same prom dress. I wasnt to fussed about this because I just thought same dress different girl it wont matter, the only thing I was worried about was everyone trying to say who looked best in it. BUT today I showed her the photos on my phone and she said that hers is different, she has thicker straps, different material and a slightly different shade so thats another good thing today!!

Apart from that nothings happened so far. Its funny how two little things that dont really matter that much can have quite an effect on you when they happen or go right for a change!

My back has been aching terrbily today, becing back at school is having a real strain on it, I havent been wearing my rucksack I've been carrying all my folders in my hands and had a small over the shoulder bag, but being on my feet so much and also sitting on ridiculously uncomfortable chairs is not doing it any good. I've got my physio/massage tonight so hopefully that will help. I have been warned though that I will be seriously aching afterwards, I hope it isnt any worse than right now because I feel like I've been in a boxing match at the moment.

Anyway, I shouldnt have really been doing this I should have been doing coursework or something but oh well. Got ICT next so my back wont be very good, then the bus ride home oh yay it just gets better and better! Bells just gone so I'm off to registration. Will let you know how I get on with physio later if I can.

Bye for now xxxxx