I'm only human.

[Written lastnight, quite late, wasn't feeling to great]

Hey,
Holy shit what a weekend. God I havent stopped for 3 days. The last 5 or so days have been a real rollercoaster for me. Up and down all the time.I haven't ever felt so exhausted and burnt out in all my life. Its worse than christmas.

So, on friday there was school :-( and then work on friday night, came home and crashed because I was so tired, managed to get about 4 or 5 hours I think. Then on saturday morning I was in work at 9.30, finished at 11.30, I then went into town to get my prom bag but didnt find one :-( On the way home from there in the car I got changed into my school clothes, to go into school and help with the 50th anniversary celebrations, this was about 1.30. From then until gone 11.00 last night I didnt stop. I was so tired, my feet were swollen, I had blisters all over them and I 'looked like the dead walking' apparently. Charming. I then got up again this morning to go to work at 10.00 I worked through until about 2.30 came home, fell asleep for about an hour in the sun, so I caught the sun a bit. Then it was straight back into the house to do 4 hours of coursework. I just had a bath and I am now sat here doing this.

I had a total break down on thursday. I didnt tell anyone apart from one friend and maybe a few teachers because I had to explain why I was late etc. I have so much to do, and I just cant do it. I cant handle all this pressure. I was in such a state, I couldnt stop crying and I was panicking so much, in the end I just started walking round and round the school because I just couldnt control myself. it didnt help it just got me even more wound up but I couldnt just sit and do nothing. Where the hell does all my time go? I make plans and stick to them but I never seem to get as much work done as I want to. Am I expecting to much from myself? People keep telling me to 'take a break', 'relax for a while' just slow down a bit. I CANT AFFORD TO SLOW DOWN!!!!! I have a mock french exam on tuesday, thats like less than 2 days away, I am going to feel like such an idiot going in there and not being able to say anything. I havent had time to practice, and I just dont know anything because of the total balls up with the teachers. I just cant handle all this. People say you can do this we know you can do this, I know they are only trying to help but god, that just makes me feel worse, its more pressure and another wake up call saying No actually you cant do this. I feel like I am having some sort of mental and physical burn out. Day by day I become a bit more stressed, there are more things to do, more things to cope with all those things need energy and I just havent got it. But I have to have it because those things NEED doing. I have to do them.

When I tell people how panicked I am why are they so relaxed dont they realise that all I want to do is cry, all I want to do is get out of this mess? Forget the exams go back to being a child when getting hurt meant scraping your knee and having to much to do was reading 5 pages of a storybook. I wish life was simpler but obviously it isnt, I dont need anyone to tell me that.

I dont know why I am even writing this. Eugh I really hate all this at the moment. I dont feel low, well I do but not really low, there are little things keeping me going but I could snap so easily. Its so tiring being up one minute and then down the next, I can change half a dozen times in one day. I just start to accept and deal with the way I am feeling and bang next minute its the opposite again. My next appointment with the counsellor is on tuesday. Same day as my mock AHHHHHHHHHH!!

I cant do it anymore.

xxxxx

Hey,
Well I shouldn't be writing this, because I have got alot of things to be doing, things that I should have already done but havent. On friday night I went into work and I wasnt feeling very good. Well in all honestly I felt like shit, I didnt want to be there and I just didnt want to be near anyone, I didnt want to talk, or put on a smile for anyone.

I managed to speak to my friend who is the nurse, she asked if I was feeling ok, and that I didnt look to good, so I got to speak to her a bit. I told her I had made the appointment and I hadn't doubled the dose yet. She said to leave doubling it until I have seen the doctor again because she might decide to put me on something different because I am not feeling any benefits from them. At first I did, they helped me get to sleep but now they dont, they were making me feel alot more relaxed and less on edge, but they no longer do that. So yeh, thats this friday coming that I have the appointment.

I had my massage on thursday night. I was hoping to talk my physio about different things and explain that I am stressed out and tell her about the depression an the tablets but mum was running early and my physio was running late so it ended up that they arrived back almost the same time so I couldnt talk to her.I was a bit pissed off, so I text her and explained about it, she replied by saying that stress would not help my back, and I would hold all my emotions in my shoulders, she asked why I was depressed and had I told my mum. I told her some of the different things that had happened and kind of caused it and told herI hadnt spoke to mum. She didnt reply to this text, but I text her later on asking her not to tell mum about it. She text back saying that she wouldnt say anything and had I talked to anyone. I told her I had seen the doctor a couple of times and was speaking to a counsellor. I havent heard anymore from her, but hopefully next time I see her mum wont be around and I can have a chat with her. I felt a little better telling her because she will now perhaps be able to change where she massages to help me. On Friday I was really stiff and aching, I was so sore and in the evening at work, not only did I feel down but my back was extremely sore.

I have been quite busy this weekend, I worked on Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday night, and this morning and afternoon. I am feeling tired but I'm not sure whether I am actually tired or its because of the weather, it feels really thundery and its all humid and close. I hate this weather because it always gives me a headache, and makes me really groggy. Its been stunning the last week and hopefully tomorrow it will pick up a bit.

I had so many things I wanted to say in this before I started writing it and now I just dont know what to say. There's different things I am feeling and different things that have gone through my head the last few days but I cant think of what they are now. I just know that I am/was feeling it and I have thought about things.

Today is definitely a bluergh day. Thats the only way I can explain it, I wish there was a better way but there isnt. You know when you have a cold, your sinus's feel totally blocked up, so you feel shut of and totally blocked up and yucky? Well I feel like that but all over, in my eyes, my face, my head and my body. Drained and blocked, shut off, and its so tiring.

Its been a up and down weekend, Friday night, I felt crap, Saturday morning I felt in between, saturday evening apart from feeling tired I felt great, this morning I felt good and now I feel crap again. I dont know whether it is the tablets doing this, instead of making me feel down for a number of days non stop, I feel down only in parts of the days, but this is so confusing, sometimes I dont even know how I feel. It takes alot of work and alot of energy to try and know what is going on with myself.

I have talked about this a little in a few posts in the past month or so, but it has definitely been a bad weekend when it comes to eating, my appetite, attitude towards food and just trying to control my thoughts. On Friday I had something for breakfast and when it came to lunch I didnt feel hungry so I didnt have anything, before work I was busy running around getting ready for work and dads, and did wantg anything to eat because I still didnt feel hungry, it got to about 9.30 in the evening when I felt like I was going to pass out I tried to think why, and realised I hadnt eaten anything since breakfast, but even then I didnt feel hungry and the thought of having anything made me feel sick to the stomach. There are times when I think, I havent got much of an appetite because of things going on or because of the way I feel, but there is no pattern to my habits. I didnt eat much yesturday or today and I can honestly say I dont feel at all hungry. I am drinking so there isnt a risk of becoming dehydrated or anything like that. At mums we dont have any scales, but we do at dads, yesturday morning I couldnt fight the urge to weigh myself, its got to the stage where I look forward to coming down to my dads just to weigh myself. God its screwed up! Theres times when I look in the mirror or look down at myself and think eugh, then there is other times when I look down and think there is no need to change I am happy as I am. Its like having an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, fighting over you and your choice about food or your opinion of yourself. Sometimes the angel side wins and knows what is good for you and you eat something, enjoy it and know it wont hurt you, then there is the devil side that tells your body you arent hungry and that if you do eat anything it will do more harm than good. Its something I am still battling with and I still absolutely hate.

I guess those were the thoughts and those were the feelings I was struggling to find. I dont know when I am speaking to Jen next but I feel like I am going to burst again. People must get so annoyed with the same thing over and over again. I start to boil over, I crack up and then its the same I hate it so much and I dont know how to deal with it crap, that always fucks me over and makes me feel like shit.

xxxx

Hey,
I'm sat on the bus writing this on my laptop. Today has been good, thank god, I dont think I could have dealt with a bad day to be honest. The weather has been gorgeous as I'm sat here the sun is actually burning my arm through the window. The sun always seems to perk me up! I've been in a good mood today, things have just gone right and well. I had a good day of lessons, managed to get some done, perhaps not as much as I could have but I didnt feel I had the energy. Last lesson was kind of a doss lesson, I decided to sit outside and pretend to do work but ended up making a daisy chain instead. I know it sounds sad but it was what I really needed, I sat out there in the sun with a friend who I have always been friends with but have kind of drifted, we sat there and nattered and had a good catch up. Making the daisy chain totally relaxed me, so I will consider doing that again when I need to chill out and relax. I havent got any grass at my mums so obviously it will be difficult but I can always go for a walk and find a field and sit down, especially this weather!

Lastnight was really horrible, well the whole of yesturday was! After my last post I just didnt sleep well at all, I dont know whether it was because I was upset or because I was all worked up or because I just couldnt sleep? I think it was a mixture of if it all. I got about 3 hours max I just kept waking up and not being able to get back to sleep again. After a while all the times and numbers just became a jumble in my head. So I wasnt exactly functioning well yesturday!! By lastnight I was so tired by brain just wouldnt work and my hands wouldnt stop shaking, when I get tired I always feel the cold more, so it was because was feeling cold, but before I went to bed my whole body was shaking. I had a bath pretty early and went to bed pretty early. Watched a film, 'Honey', and went to sleep. I slept almost right though but woke up a couple of times, felt a little better today, managed to get things done anyway!

I am having a massage tonight which will be absolutely fantastic. These first few days back have been so stressful, had so much work thrown at me and had to carry my rucksack around so my shoulders and my back are just feeling so tight and heavy. Just thinking about having that massage just signals total relaxation!! The last time I had one was 3 weeks ago. She told me I was 'seriously stressed' for someone my age. Because mum was there I was only able to tell her that it was because of exams and stuff BUT tonight mum isnt going to be home until about 7.00 and I'm having the massage at 6.00, so that gives me a whole hour to perhaps explain that I am stressed out but about the depression and she whether thats contributing towards it at all, and tell her I am taking these tablets, because they are supposed to help my back heal and stop the pain as much, which it had done until I started thinking about school, working so much and going back to school. So yeh thats something positive I guess

My head feels really full, and kind of bursting with everything, but I'm trying not to think about it for a little while. I am going to try something new, and just have the times when I am writing in here, talking to my counsellor, and when I feel I really need to. I think about things to much and thats part of what makes me feel down. When I feel like I am about to break, when I feel vulnerable and like anything could tip me over the edge I am going to decide at the time to see whether I feel talking will help or not.

I also just made the doctors appointment I've been meaning to make ever since I saw the doctor last. 27th. Another thing off my list. Got a plan made already for the avoidance of mum! I'm going to an after school revision class then going downtown after, she can either pick me up or I will get a lift home with Bex- sorted!

Well I'm coming to the end of my bus trip now, great timing!

xxx

written 17.04.07 (lastnight)

Hey,
Well, today has been a little easier than the previous few, I was able to talk to my counsellor (thank god!). Normally I spend an our a week with her but today I was only able to have 50 minutes because she had to go early. I had my session in the morning, it was the first and only session she was doing all day. I got so much out within those 50 minutes and wished I had more time because I was really at the point where everything and anything was coming tumbling out. I managed to get a grip on a few things again which I lost over the Easter holidays. She is going to be in on Thursday, so I can go and see her then if I feel I need to otherwise I wont see her again until next Monday or Tuesday. We basically talked about the tablets, how I had been feeling, how I was feeling, the issue with dad and about the next few months ahead of me, with things like exams fast approaching! It was surprising how much we covered but like I said…I could have done with more time.

I am sat in bed writing again, I have found I have more time, I am less likely to get interrupted and I am a little calmer and settled. I can actually spend time on it rather than do a little bit then come back to it ten minutes later.

There has been one thing, or rather one person niggling away in my mind the whole of this evening. Matt. I think I know what triggered it and made me think of him- I have bought new hairspray and it smells exactly like one I used when I was working with Matt, and it just brought it all back, getting ready for work, doing my hair, giving it a spray and going off. It almost made me want to get into my work gear, and walk into work just hoping that he would be there. Sitting here, writing and thinking about it, I have a pain in the centre of my chest it feels raw, like something is being poured down my chest and is just burning everything inside. I feel shaky and almost panic attack like, yet I can till type. I want to cry, and the tears are filling my eyes, but I stop myself I cant cry I don’t know why I just cant. Surely if there are tears in my eyes, blurring everything I can see, surely it’s the right thing to do its what my body is telling itself to do, but my head and my brain are saying no don’t cry. It feels so pathetic. I still miss him terribly, I still feel so guilty for making him loose his job, deep down I just want him back, either forever or just to apologise, see him one last time. I still see him now, his helmet on one arm a bin liner in the other a Sunday night it was about 9.30, he walked out that kitchen door and I said “See ya on Thursday if not before” Knowing full well I would never see him again in that kitchen, the only chance I would get to see him would be in town or somewhere by chance, and how would he feel towards me? I just want to know does he, did he hate me? Did he realise why I did it? Had he and can he forgive me? Does he know I love him so much, and I think of him everyday and every shift that I work? Does he know how often I think of his little boy, his mum and dad, his ex wife? Does he know how full I feel with feelings for him but how empty I feel without him? He made me so happy, not even as someone I loved in a ‘relationship’ way just as a friend who I knew would be there if I needed him. If I was down he would always ask if I wanted to chat, he would try to help me with my problems and I would do the same in return. He used to be my protection down at work, and now I feel so vulnerable and alone when I am out there doing my job. I have Kirsty in the kitchen but that’s nothing. I cant believe I betrayed such a good friend as you. I feel so ashamed, so guilty, I hate myself so much for what I did to you, how could I? Why did I? I am such a disgusting person. I don’t deserve friends, I don’t deserve people to be there for me, when all I do is throw it back in their face. It just hurts so much not to have you here, right now you wouldn’t even be anywhere near me, but you would be here alive, doing god knows what god knows where, but I only needed to remember that on Friday I would go into work and there you would be, or sometimes not if you were late.

I looked for all the bad things within you, I couldn’t live with them, but I would do anything to have them all back, I hated them before but now they are the thing I want most in my life. Sod exams, sod school, sod a job sod anything I just want you back in my life, and people will tell me it’s a waste to think like that, god even you would tell me it’s a waste to feel like that, but I do I would give up everything now just to have you back for a day, an hour, a minute anything. I wish I could talk to yeh I have written to you, I’ve even talked to you a few times but nothing compares to getting real replies, which I am never ever going to get again.

I miss you so so so much, it still hurts so much. I still want you back so bad. I don’t know how I am doing all this without you, I don’t know how I am going to do the rest of it all without you.

All because of a can of fucking hair spray, oh and by the way I am crying now.

xxxx

Forever friendship

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend.
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop.
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
This is forever friendship.
When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full.
Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times an dthe confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows.
If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on.
Your forever friend hold your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay.
And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry.
You have a forever friend, and forever has no end."

Hey,
This is something I have been meaning to type up for quite a while. I wrote it about 2 or 3 months ago I think. Its quite deep I guess and although its about something so personal and that is such a big part of me it is one of my best pieces of writing.

When I feel down thoughts begin to gather in my head, they sit like a heavy weight pressing on my brain. No matter how much I try to ignore them and no matter how hard I try to think of other things or keep myself occupied in the rare moments when my body is silent my mind begins to wander.

And sometimes almost as quickly as the feeling came it can go again, overnight or due to doing something to overcome it. I begin to feel myself again and wonder why I was so stupid and why I worried so much, but I know that when I am in that place it always seems like there is no way out even though I know deep down within a couple of days I will be fine. But even when I am fine the feeling still lurks somewhere in my body, somewhere in my mind waiting for next time.

A post I wrote lastnight, as you will see I was feeling really crappy.

Hey,
I cant explain all this, its feels so weird yet I have felt it so many times. It really freaks me out every single time. I don’t see what is different so why does it feel so strange? I’m thinking it could be because this is my first low whilst being on the tablets, so maybe that would make it different? I just don’t know, I hate saying that because I should know its my body, its my head, it my body and I’m the one that is god damn well feeling all this shit so why the hell cant I explain it? I always seem to be saying “I don’t know” “I cant explain it” “I hate it” but all of those things are so true and every time they just keep coming up, its like the are written out in rope lights and they are flashing just above my eyes, so I can always see them.

Its fucks me up every single time, I think I’ve got it, I think I’m in control and I’m the one to tell it what to do and then bam its got me. I guess I’ve let myself go, I am so stupid for doing it, why couldn’t I be just that little bit stronger I want to fight this shit but I just cant. I hate it because it just uses so much flipping energy, I used to think and say it takes more energy to fight a downer so just go with it but by the end of it I’ve still lost god knows how much energy and I’m left feeling drained, weak, tired and just deflated.

I always get this why???? Stuck in my head. Why me? Why this? Why in this way? There’s hundreds of them and all of them are left unanswered and I fucking hate shitty unanswered questions because my stupid life seems to be full of them all the God damn time. Argh I just want to scream, I cant fucking take it. I’ve said it hundreds of times and wish I could say something different but I just CANT!!!!

I’m sat in bed writing this, I should be doing homework, or something. I’ve got to go back to school tomorrow which in all honesty fucking sucks. I really don’t want to go back, I hate it there I cant put my finger on it but I just do I hate it. The only two real reasons I am going back there is so I can 1.Do the exams and 2. To see my counsellor. Its stupid I want the good grades so I can go to college and get good grades there so I can go to uni and then I want to do well there and get a good job. But what it the point if every fucking time this bastard of a whatever comes along and fucking takes me out at the ankles and leaves me crawling on the god damn floor. What is the point? Ok so I might not need a good job to be truly happy bla bla bla I’ve heard it, but I’ve got it into my head now that no matter what I friggin do I’m always going to be unhappy, its just me and my fucked up head and fucked up everything else.

Today feels like its been so busy, and I feel so tired but I’ve hardly done anything all day. I overslept this morning woke up at ten, and starting running around the house like a mad lunatic because I was supposed to be at work at ten, and then all little things started going wrong stupid things that shouldn’t piss me off or upset me but they did. I worked this morning cleaned for 2 hours and then waitressed for 2 ½. After that I came home and sat on my ass all friggin afternoon. I was such a lazy shit I did nothing but mooch around the internet. I have so much to do before going back to school or going to my next lessons and I didn’t bloody well do it. I’m such an idiot I clicked and typed away a good 4 or 5 hours. God I feel so flipping stupid. What they hell am I going to say to teachers, I couldn’t do it because I didn’t feel like it or I couldn’t do it because I just couldn’t. Which is the truth but it’s a pretty lame excuse whether is bloody true or not. I couldn’t concentrate on work I could do everything fine but concentrate and sit down and do work. Tomorrow I am going to come home from school, you can almost guarantee feeling like shit, and I will have a stack load of blimmin shitty schoolwork. I am going to get such a rollicking tomorrow from my teachers. I should hand in 4 maths papers, 2 science papers and a few other bits. How can I explain to them why I haven’t done it without telling them the whole lot. I cant tell them that I have no energy, no concentration, no motivation because of this crappy fucking ‘depression’. No fucking way.

Last night was damn well hard, I held it down and was actually kinda proud of myself for doing so but I was so tired and that’s why I reckon I overslept this morning because I used so much of my energy last night trying to fight this shit inside me and this morning I just couldn’t get up, I was awake but I’d be damned if I could actually move more than to look at my watch, I kept waking up through the night which totally sucked.

Got I am in such a pissy fucking crappy mood, I want to fight this but I just cant. God I hope my counsellor is in tomorrow, otherwise it wil be Tuesday or Thursday.

Shit this sucks…….

xxxxx

Hey,
The following are some lyrics from one of my all time favourite singers Christina Aguilera. The song is called Soar and its one of the songs I try to listen to when I can feel myself dropping and getting low, sometimes it works and lifts me out of it all completely whereas sometimes it just lets things lie low for a while. I have put the key bits in bold. I just felt like putting them here because they really do help me alot. I have condensed them a bit as well. I hope to put more lyrics that help me or mean alot to me on here in the future.

When they push, when they pull
Tell me can you hold on
When they say you should change
Can you lift your head high and stay strong

Will you give up, give in
When your heart's crying out "that is wrong"
Will you love you for you at the end of it all

Now in life there's gonna be times
When you're feeling low
And in your mind insecurities seem to take control
We start to look outside ourselves
For acceptance and approval
We keep forgetting that the one thing we should know is

Don't be scared
To fly alone
Find a path that is your own
Love will open every door

See in your hands the world is yours
Don't hold back and always know
All the answers you will unfold
What are you waiting for
Spread your wings and soar

The boy who wonders, is he good enough for them
Keep trying to please them all
But he just never seems to fit in
Then there's the girl who thinks she'll never ever be
Good enough for him
He's trying to change and
That's a game she'll never win

In the mirror is where she comes
Face to face with her fears
Her reflection looked forward on to her
After all these years
However how she's tried to be
Something besides herself
Now time has passed and she's ended up
Somewhere else with regret

What is it is that makes us feel the need
To keep pretending
Gotta let ourselves be

So what you waiting for
Don't wait, Don't wait
Soar

xxxx

Hey,
Well I am actually in bed writing this on my laptop, I plan on writing it on here and actually posting it tomorrow. I got back from work about half an hour ago. I haven’t updated in quite a while, and I feel bad for not doing that because I really want to write regularly as well as whenever I need to. I’ve been so busy lately and I just haven’t had the time to sit down and concentrate on a post, and when it comes to posting on here I like to dedicate some time to doing it and actually take a moment to chill out and basically let it all out, so I guess that’s what I am doing now because I haven’t took the time to stop and work out how I am feeling because quite frankly if I am feeling bad or like shit I cant afford to go down, plus I don’t have the support of my counsellor.

I have been working non-stop and although it earns me lots of money I have completely forgotten how truly tiring it can be. The last time I worked this much and this often without a day off was back in the summer. I have worked from Wednesday through to tonight with one night off which was Tuesday, I have done split shifts on 4 of those days so I am feeling extremely tired and run down. I know the simple answer is to have a few days off but I just cant do that its to complicated where I work. I have got to work tomorrow night, Saturday morning and evening and Sunday morning through to afternoon. Then its back to school on Monday.

I am looking forward to going back to school for a few reasons the main one being I can talk to Jen again, I don’t know why but I have this feeling that I want to talk to her, that I need to talk to her but I have no idea what about. I am going to tell her how the doctors went, and about the tablets but I cant work out what it is I feel I need to tell her so urgently. I guess this is just the effect of not seeing her for two weeks now, after seeing her once a week for the last few months (apart from half term).

Last weekend was rather hard and emotional for me, I was just starting to get tired from being busy at work and basically something that happened totally tipped me over the edge and made me very upset. I intend on doing a whole blog post that just focus’s on the issue because it has been going on a while now and its something that is quite big in my life, but I will outline it here. My dad goes out to the pub, when there’s entertainment and sometimes when there isn’t, and basically gets bladdered each time. Usually I can get a lift home with his girlfriend but this usually means going home earlier and sometimes missing out on a good night. So the times when I don’t get a lift home with my dads girlfriend I am left to go home with my dad. He gets bladdered then drives me and my brother home. Yes he drink drives, and I fucking hate it so much. There are only 2 things I dislike about my dad and there is only one thing I hate. His drink driving is the thing I hate having to deal with, and the two things I dislike are basically how he has changed because of his accident, but I guess he isn’t to blame for that and the fact he has such a short temper. (which is because of his accident- another post I intend on doing.) So yeh every now and again I have to deal with the whole him driving home drunk thing, its only been the past few months where I have started doing things like refusing to get in the car or getting a lift with someone else, which winds him up, and he gets wound up and very angry easily anyway, but even more so when he is drunk. So this Saturday it was just me he had to drive home, I hadn’t got a lift from my dads girlfriend because a new band were playing and I wanted to stay on after work to check them out. My dad totally over did it that night drank so so much and wanted me to drive home. Now I don’t know if you have gathered but I am soooo excited about getting my bike in June and I basically refused point blank because if I got caught I would have my license taken away before I even got it. Then I decided I would get a lift with the barman, or some one else who I am good friends with. I told dad this and his exact words where ‘Oh here we fucking go again’ I hate it when he says things like that. He walked off and drove himself home whilst I waited for a lift, which I did get in the end with some really nice family friends of ours. Everyone out the pub knows what my dad does so its just common knowledge, he gets pissed, drives home even if he has his two kids with him no matter what he still drives’. It makes me upset to even think about it, I can feel my eyes stinging now because the fact he does this brings up so many questions which don’t need answers because the fact he drink drives with us in the car answers them, and those answers are really upsetting and hurtful, I guess he doesn’t see it like that. No amount of explaining to him either when he is sober or not will make him see. After he drove off I went back into the pub, took myself into the restaurant where no one else was, and cried my heart out, luckily Jan wasn’t busy so she basically came over and hugged me for ages, as did Sarah and the cook Kirsty. I really needed that and really appreciated it. I wont go into what happened when I got home because I think I have written enough about that for now, so will save it for the other post.

The tablets have helped in some areas, but are starting to ‘wear off’ in others. For example, it is not knocking me out at night as quickly or at all, like it did in the first few days of taking it. But when I do get to sleep I don’t seem to wake up as much as I used to when I was not taking the tablets. The doctor explained that these tablets helped me into a deep sleep rather than a light sleep or ‘doze’. She said after my accident with my back, I needed deep sleep because when you are in it, your body is in a state of complete relaxation and this state of relaxation cannot be achieved any other way than deep sleep, and my back would only be able to heal properly if I got this whole complete relaxation thing. I believe the tablets are doing this for me because my back has been a lot better, but I cannot be sure whether the fact I am not carrying a school rucksack is contributing to it. The last few days, due to working so much my shoulders have started to feel heavier, which in the past has been a sign my back is getting bad again, so I intend on giving my physio a ring after I have been back to school for a few days. The tablets are helping my mood a bit, they have kept me relatively happier than when I am down, but again I cannot be sure whether that is the tablets taking affect or because I haven’t had time to stop and think about what is going on with me emotionally. Maybe that’s a good thing, but I am scared because last time I did that, it was about a week before I had one of my worst downers. I have got to make a follow-up appointment to go back to see my doctor and basically see how taking the tablets is going. I will probably pop down town one lunchtime when I am back to school and make and appointment.

I feel like I could break down right now, just sitting here writing this I feel it could all come spilling out, I am battling between two choices let it all go now and as a result make the next few days very hard, because I am working, plan on doing revision and am going back to school, or on the other hand put it off for as long as I can, risk making it worse when it finally does erupt, but have the support of my counsellor next week. I think I am going to stick to the latter, because like I mentioned earlier I really really cannot afford to fall down the next few days. To much relies on the mood I am in or at least the one I can trick myself into thinking I am in.

The next few days are going to consist on getting a HUGE pile of revision done, I cant see it happening myself but it would be great if I could. I will also be working another 4 shifts. I am babysitting tomorrow morning/afternoon and I might be staying after work to watch another new band playing at the pub. I am with mum this weekend so no drink driving thank god.

Something else I haven’t mentioned, because of these tablets I am not allowed to drink alcohol. Which to be perfectly honest sucks. I didn’t realise how much I had come to depend on the stuff. I hate to say it but on Saturday I was bored out of my skull, I didn’t feel comfortable or chilled out enough to dance or basically have a good time, so the confession is basically I need to drink to have a good time, like I said it sucks I am going to have to get used to having a good time without any alcohol I guess!!

Something else that’s been bothering me the last few days is the fact that thoughts about food and my eating have been dominating my mind again, and they seem to have crept back in, I don’t realise it when they first start and when I do realise its already been a week or so and I feel like I’m back in it and its starting all over again. I hate it because there is this sick sick side of me that wants to not eat, that wants to restrict. I find myself bingeing on things like chocolate and thinking afterward 1. Why did I eat that 2.I shouldn’t have eaten that and 3. Feel guilty. I keep feeling guilty, and recently I looked in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. I used to keep saying to myself I cant loose to much weight because basically I don’t want people around me to notice, and since I tried my prom dress on last weekend I have said that I cant loose to much before my prom because I am having the alterations done and it wont fit me properly, and its screwed up and stupid but I look forward to after prom where I can start to loose weight and perhaps make myself happier with myself and feel more comfortable. This really is screwed up I have always been someone who looks at skinny people in magazines and tell them they should get a reality check and realise that bigger is better. That your body shape doesn’t make you who you really are, and that life is about more than what you look like. I feel like a hypocrite because I am not practising what I preach at all. I cant talk anymore about this although I want to because I really don’t want to crash.

I feel so vulnerable and delicate at the moment like the slightest touch, thoughts or feelings could just totally break me. It’s a silly way to describe it but I really cannot think of any other way to sum it up. Anything could totally crack me up, I am dreading going back to school because of that girl that was horrible to me before we broke up, and if anyone fucks me over I will just hit the road and be heading for a downward spiral.

Why do I feel like I feel down? Or that I am going to? I cant work out whether its because I actually have got things to deal with, like my dads drink driving, like going back to school, revision and the thoughts that have started filling my head again or is it because I am so used to feeling down that I feel the need to and there isn’t actually a reason. Its so confusing so I don’t expect anyone to understand what I am trying and failing miserably to say. Basically is it a real downer that I need to take to deal with things or is it my sub conscious telling me ‘Hey, you haven’t been down for a while, isn’t it about time you felt like shit for a bit?’.

Well my dog has just jumped off my feet, where she was positioned keeping them very warm, she has been allowed to sleep upstairs the last few nights because my brother is staying with my dad for most of the week. I think she wants to go out so I am going to have to go. I know it has been a post filled with a lot of different things, I wish I could go into more detail and talk more but I can’t as you know. So for now, I guess that’s it.

xxx

Hey,
I was on the internet and feeling a little bored and it suddenly occured to me I hadnt updated for a while! So here it is.

Well the past few days have been a little hectic. On wednesday I went shopping to go and get my shoes from prom, I got them finally after hours of shopping, I also got my leavers book and some clothes. By the end of the day I was so so tired. Shopping always makes me feel crabby and knackered so I kind of expected it really, but I guess with these tablets kicking in it doesnt really help. So anyway I was sat here at the computer on wednesday night and I got a phone call to go into work asap, the easter break had started and the customers where coming in. I got down there and the whole kitchen was in a right state, the normal chef was on holiday so I was working with my boss and he hasnt got a clue what to do, so me and barman ended up cooking most of the meals that night. So of course when I got home I was extremely tired but I was also buzzing from running around like a blue assed fly all evening so it took me another 3 hours to wind down I think I got to sleep sometime around 2.

Yesturday I did some revision in the morning and then we went into town so I could try my prom dress on again with the shoes to see if it needed altering. Then we ended up driving for miles so mum could get a bit for her car that she needs and it didnt even work anyway. So again I got home tired and worn out, then I had to go into work, which again was busy. I took my tablet at work lastnight at about 10 so I didnt get to sleep until just after 12. I had a really unrestful nights sleep actually. I was tossing and turning alot and I remember waking up quite a bit. I didnt get out of bed until about half an hour ago though, because I really did need a lie in.

Today (hopefully) is going to be alot less hectic. I havent got to do anything until about 5.00 tonight where I have to get ready for work. I've got to pack my bag for dads and thats all. I'm at my dads this weekend which is great, I love going down my dads, I see that place as home more than where I am now, I dont know whether its because I hate being here with mum or whether its because down there is where I had lived all my life until we moved. So I am planning on doing some major revision today. Science, French (argh) and maths. I've got my new laptop so I can go outside in the sun and work on it, although I need to get an extension lead for when the battery goes!

In myself I am feeling quite all over the place, I havent really had time to stop and think how I am feeling. But sitting here now physically I feel tired and worn out. My body is aching and I can feel a headache coming on. In my head, God knows, I can feel myseld slipping at times and I know that a downer is coming, but I am so busy I dont think about it, and it almost goes away. I am just hoping that by not thinking about it and perhaps burying it away it is not going to make it worse when it finally erupts? But thats enough thinking about it because its making me down just typing about it, and I've just had a feeling of wanting to cry overcome me which I dont really want to do because that will confirm I feel like shit and I dont want to admit that to myself just yet- I've got to much to do I cant afford a downer.

xxx

Hey,
Well here it is tuesday, I just thought I'd write quickly because I am bored but about to start my revision so wont be on again until later. Got a few things to update about as well so yeh...

The med's are going well so far. Yesturday after taking the first one on sunday night when I got into bed, I woke up (or rather was woken up) and didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. I didn't sleep well but lets face it I wasn't exactly trying to hard to get to sleep, I was scared to go to sleep because I was worried about what they would do to me, which is stupid I know. So during the morning I felt I had a headache, was feeling quite thirsty and was tired. The only thing that I really didnt like was the fact I felt almost spaced out and I did actually feel like I was drugged or drunk. My eye refused to focus on one thing which made things like emailing, reading and revision difficult, but after the first 2 hours or so they settled down a bit. During the end of the afternoon and into the evening I felt like shit, I was tired and I looked in the mirror and my eyes were black and my face was a yellowy white colour which was a bit horrible. I took the tablets an hour earlier lastnight because I went to bed an hour earlier but I think I am going to take them at about 9 o'clock from now on. I need to work out how long I have got from when I take them and when I start to feel drowsy. I took them at 9.30 lastnight and was still feeling awake at 11.30. It will just take time to work it out I guess.

I tried explaining to mum again about having to use the computer and having to do my revision. It was after breakfast and she was stood in the kitchen and my brother was sitting down,she asked me if I was going to go squat on the computer again. So I made her tell me what she see's from now until the end of June she just said trying to organise the holiday and earn money. I explained what my next few months looked like, everything flying around, things breaking. I told her that her next few months are a straight clear road, whereas mine has ruts and potholes in the roads, accidents to avoid, animals running around on the road etc. She still didnt understand so I have decided to do what I want regardless of what she says, I know I have to do this revision and stuff her if she doesnt get it. She keeps on to me get good grades do us proud so you can get me into a decent nursing home, does she think I can just go into those exams without doing any revision and pass with flying colours? Well reality check no I cant.

Other than the whole mum saga I'm feeling good, emotionally, I still feel quite tired and I look like shit but my head seems ok!

Well I'm going to go and do some more English notes which I didnt finish yesturday. xxxx

Hey,
OK today is a 'mum's really winding me up' day. She's doing and saying little things that are really bugging me she just doesnt seem to think my reasons for doing things are justification enough. I only have to justify things to myself no one else so I wish she would just butt out.

First of all its nice weather today, the sun is out and its pretty warm, BUT I am at mums which means the only thing to do outside is go for a walk, which I cant do or go in the back yard and sit down and do sod all.

So at 10.00 this morning, after telling her lastnight to leave me in bed this morning and let me have lie in she comes in and opens the god damn curtains, because it was bright and sunny outside my head started thumping seeings as though the thing I open my eyes to is blinding light, and I said 'Why are you in here waking me up at this time?' She was like 'I need to get your washing'. She knows where my God damn washing basket is and you dont need light to see or get to it, but once I am awake I am awake so I ended up getting out. She knew I wanted a lie in but she still came in and opened the curtains argh its petty but its things like that that annoy me and wind me up.

So she went into town and I stayed here, I have been typing up english notes most of the morning and sending emails but she just got back from town comes in and asks when I am going to get off the computer I said Oh do you need it? Quite politely without sarcasm because I genuinely thought she would need it. She just said no its nice weather out and your not staying in on that all day, you can get out and do something. Is she fucking stupid or something?? Does she not think sitting here typing up fucking notes is nothing? Its better to be in here typing up notes than sitting outside reading or doing fuck all. God she really is stupid.

I cant seem to get it into her head she sees the nest few months as calm and just a few things to do like sort the holiday, work and other bits and bobs I guess you could say like this:

Whereas all I see is totally crazy, all over the place, so much to do in so little time, trying to fit it all in within a few months, everythin bubbling up and over. I guess like this:

She just doesnt want to or just wont see that. The way it all works and the way my time is broke down and the things we do just isnt going to be easy sailing if she cant understand how much work and revision and exams and everything else I have to do, and no amount of explaining will make her see or understand. My friends have got their parents leaving them alone whilst revising, offering to help whilst my mum doesnt give to shits and just keeps asking me to get out the way, moaning because I spend most of my time in my room, on the computer or just doing something that isnt with her, and when I do stop to do something with her she either makes an arguement, moans at me or whatever I try and do is wrong so I end up walking away.

Its little things like this that make me dig deeper and remember how much I truly hate her.

Hey,
Well I've been sat here for hours now, trying to pluck up the courage to go and change into my pjs, take a tablet and settle down into bed.

Why am I so worried about these things? All the comments that have been made have actually effected my way of thinking which kind of sucks because when I first got them I saw them as help, whereas now I look at them or think about them and just wonder what bad things they are going to do to me - which is stupid because the doctor told me the only thing likely to happen was the tiredness and dry mouth.

Its so stupid I keep thinking what if I start taking them and can never get out of what they take me into, I know that probably doesnt make sense. I keep wondering where things will go from here, will I be on these for a little while or will it be ages? Will I be on medication forever (which I know isnt actually likely).

I need to stop being pathetic, give myself a kick, get up those stairs and take the damn tablets already. Oh well here goes.....

Hey,
So I'm sat here a little bored, should be doing english revision which is right next to me so will do it after this.

I worked today 10 til 1. Not bad I suppose 3 hours worth for only two hours work, I didnt do anything from 12-1 because we didnt have any customers and I had done all the cleaning and odd jobs.

I came home and was going to put a film on, and do some revision but I didnt. I tried to do some revision but just cant seem to concentrate enough to do some mind maps so I am just going to carry on typing up my notes I guess.

I'm a little nervous about tonight and the next few days, I know its about nothing and I've just got to get on with it and hope for the best, but I'm still wondering what these tablets are actually going to do to me. I spoke to a friend of mine privately in the toilets lastnight who is a district nurse and I asked her to tell me honestly what I can expect and she said just to feel quite tired. I asked about whether I should have been given them or not because on the patient sheet it says not to be given to under 16 year olds and she said the doctor must have known my age so I shouldn't worry. She was really kind which made me feel a little better about it. But then when I got home I kind of started to feel horrible, I felt tired and just started having long trails of thought I didnt want to bring myself down so I just tried as hard as I could to keep myself busy until I virtually fell asleep then went to bed.

Well, thats it really a short post I guess but I just needed to get this worry and the nerves off my chest a bit. Wish me luck! xxx

Oh yeh and my blog has had over 600 pageviews which makes me feel happy so thanks :-) xxxx