I'm only human.

Hey,
The first of what will probably be many of my rant posts about the whole doctor and eating issue.

First of all I am feeling slightly angry, at the doctor. Some of the things she said it was like she didn't understand like she didn't have a clue how I was feeling. When I came out from the doctor I felt so angry and wound up, and after thinking about it I have come to the conclusion that the reasons are because of her lack of understanding. I felt tense and knotted up, ready to take something or someone out. I know she is there to help me, but how can she say she is someone who knows what it feels like if she actually doesn't.

When I make a promise I will try my damn hardest to keep it, I don't make promises I can't keep, and I never ever break them, unless its something I really can't control, and I have no other choice but to do so.

On Friday my doctor made me promise to eat three meals a day, she told me to imagine it as something prescribed, just like my tablets. Before I go to bed I take my tablets because I have to, I should also eat 3 meals a day, because I have to. When she made me promise that did she know how difficult that would be for me? Does she not realise that if I could click my fingers and eat three meals a day just like that I wouldn't even be in this stupid mess?

She says that she cannot help me unless I eat, that I have got to keep my physical side healthy, but doesn't she understand that its the mental side of me that is ill? The whole issue is worse in my head than it is showing on my body, the logics and the twisted way of thinking is deeper than the physical side. She told me that after a while of eating 'properly' I will start to feel the benefits physically but I'd rather be missing out on those benefits than having to deal with the mental side of myself after I have eaten something, or I get into bed with a full stomach from eating all day. Its easier to deal with the hunger pains and a stomach that feels deprieved than a head full of feelings of guilt and greed.

Since Friday I have tried so hard, and I mean that I really have. It has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do, but I promised. I guess you could say I've done well this weekend, I have eaten what I can, it was definitely a lot more than usual, and even though I know its good because its what the doctor said and the whole thing about seeing it as 'prescribed' but that still doesn’t stop the fact I feel disgusting and greedy when I eat it all. I really really don’t think she gets it, it has been such a long, complex and exhausting battle, these last few days just to put food into my body. I didn’t expect it to be easy, but I didn’t expect it to be this hard either.

I was really upset about the whole therapy thing, I still feel like I was pushed into it. I have weighed out the ups and downs and I'm still feeling totally lost about it. I am so so scared. Its all totally up in the air now. Its even more real than it was when I first admitted it at first. I feel like its out of my control. She said I have to trust them but I find it so hard to trust and confide in someone, I had my trust broken a few years ago. I told a friend something about myself and it ended up most of the year knowing, they wouldn’t let me forget it, and they wouldn’t just live with it. It was hard enough for me to deal with and come to terms with it without them there making fun of me and spreading it around. I have never ever been able to rebuild my trust completely, I have to know someone before I can talk to them truthfully, especially about myself. So I really dont think I am going to be able to open up to a total stranger.

People keep telling me I can do this, I can get through this but it feels like its getting harder and harder. A friend says that it's got to get worse before it gets any better, but when I feel like things are as bad as they can get something else comes along and pushes me down further. It feels so screwed up, I just feel like I cant do it, and to be honest I just don’t want to do it anymore.

Thinking about all this actually hurts, its the same hurt as when I think about Matt, its like there is a brick in my chest and its just pushing against everything and each time something knocks me down the brick becomes bigger and crushes another part of me. Its like a stabbing pain right in the middle of my chest. Going to the doctors felt like it did exactly that, made the brick bigger and made everything more painful to think about and deal with.

I feel panicky and anxious just thinking about all of this. I have been having panic attacks during the night for the first time in quite a while, which just shows me how deep this is and how much it is affecting me without me even knowing.

I have all this motivation powered by anger and I just dont have the energy to do anything with it. I feel like even though I have eaten relatively well the last few days I feel like I could slip back, I have the motivation behind me to just not eat, to hide everything, back away into a corner and do it all over again. Part of me wants to do it, I don't know why but I just do. Its only been a few days but I miss the feeling of it. Its like having a tattoo the addictive pain, thats exactly how it is.

Its taking all of the little energy I have to stop myself from slipping back, it really is exhausting and draining and I know it woud take less energy to fall back in to that downward spiral and keep doing it, doing what I know best, not caring where it would take me or what it could do to me, than to be fighting it by putting into myself, making myself feel heavy, sick, greedy, disgusting and guilty.

xxx

Hey,
Because this whole eating thing keeps interupting everything I do, thoughts keep creeping in when I am in the middle of doing something I have decided that instead of letting everything build up and letting it all go at once causing me to totally crash and end up lower than I already am, I have made a plan to let it out bit by bit.

Whenever I feel the need to get something out or whenever something comes into my head about the whole issue I am going to just get it out. By the end of it I expect there will be a few posts, and chances are they maybe a bit repetitive but the thing is as long as I can just get it out of my system it doesnt matter. Some posts could be quite long whilst others just short, this is basically a plan for my convienience, to stop this whole thing from bringing me down.

xxx

Hey,
This is about the fourth or fifth time I have sat down to try and write this. I haven't posted for quite a while now, well not properly at least. The reason I haven't posted is basically because I haven't been able to find the time to sit down as I like to and dedicate some quality time to writing a post. I have been so busy its unbelievably what with exams and everything else its been go go go non stop for the last few weeks, and the reason I have taken four or five goes to actually write this is because I am so exhausted right now, there has been a lot go on for me this last fortnight and it feels like its all to much to soon. But this blog is always here when I need it and right now that’s what I need, to post about the whole 'issue' going on in my life at the moment.

On the 14th of May, I had my prom, otherwise known as a leavers ball. It was a brilliant night and I really enjoyed it but what I didn’t realise is it was going to be a trigger to a build up of feelings that I had been having the last few months. My whole eating problem had come back with a vengeance. It was really full on and between Tuesday morning and Thursday morning I became tangled up in it all again. I decided that I needed to talk to someone and did so on Thursday. We talked a bit but it was hard to talk about my feelings about my eating to someone. The person I spoke to gave me her email address and that night I sent her an email, in which I was totally honest with her, as well as myself. It was quite an intense email but she replied and from there we decided it would be a good idea to share the way I am feeling with either my counsellor or my doctor. She offered to come with me to see the counsellor or if the school would allow it to come with me to the doctors for support and to have someone there who really knows me and all this.

After thinking and talking quite a bit I decided I felt uncomfortable with telling the counsellor so I made the choice of going to the doctors, with the support and assistance of this lady. I was nervous and totally scared about freezing up in front of the doctor because I knew how hard it was to talk to the other person about it.

Anyway, we went down to the doctors last Friday (the 25th) in the afternoon, after school. I was really nervous but I knew it was something I had to do. I first talked about my tablets and then moved on to talk about my eating. I told her that whereas before it was a physical thing not being able to swallow and feeling sick afterwards it has now become a mental/emotional thing. I couldn't tell her anymore and like I had feared- I froze up. The person I had emailed had printed the email off just in case this was going to happen and I decided that now was the time to show the doctor. There was an awkward (and what seemed very long) silence whilst she read the email, afterwards she asked more questions which I tried my hardest to answer but felt I didn't do very well.

After some talking my doctor decided I should see one of their counsellors at the surgery, she was going on and on talking about this, that and the other and what they can do for me. She also talked about me now working alongside their 'Eating Disorder Team' in order to get better again. She told me that I needed to start eating three meals a day no matter what, and that they cannot help me unless I eat. At this point she had to take a phone call and asked us to go outside the room and wait, this was ideal because I was able to talk to the lady that had brought me down about it all.

I told her exactly what I was thinking, that I wouldn't be able to go into the surgery and talk to someone there, it was to much to soon. I wanted to keep it all at school, that way it seemed more together and organised. I told her it would be a waste of everyone’s time and facilities to try and get me in there to talk to someone because it had taken me 4 months to open up to my counsellor properly when I first started seeing her a while back, and it took me this long to finally confide in her about the whole eating thing. Luckily she understood and told me that when we went back in there with the doctor I should tell her this.

I told the doctor most of what I told miss outside the room, and I told her that the thought of coming in and opening up to someone completely new made talking to my counsellor about it seem a lot less scary, but my doctor explained to me that I would need to talk to someone with certain skills and I would need to have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in order to get any better. Somehow she managed to sit me there and talk to me and I changed my mind, I don’t know how or why because its something I didn't want to do, and I don’t really want to do it now, but for some reason I said ok to it.

When I came out of the doctors I was angry, not with the doctor but with the whole thing, the depression, the eating and all the other stupid little things that come along with it. I was angry at myself, why couldn't I just kick myself get back up and carry on? Deal with things like everyone else manages to? Why do I have to do all this in order to get somewhere? What did I do wrong to have to end up dealing with all this? I couldn't stop asking questions. I felt angry and totally exhausted, I wanted to scream, just hit something, cry anything to get a release. I tried to do a post but I was that tired I couldn’t even concentrate.

Since Friday I have been wanting to sit down and actually go through all the crazy stuff going through my head but have just not been able to find the strength or energy to do it. I know I have been through it here but this is what happened, things that were said and the outcomes. There is so much more to it, and it all lies in my head. There are so many thoughts, opinions and feelings that are all jumbled up, racing around trying to grab something it can connect to. I so desperately want to think it all out and make myself feel more settled and clearer but for some reason I just cant. I can feel within me there is a rant, something that needs venting but I cant seem to find the words to describe the feelings that are so all over the place inside me.

Its so confusing and I feel like I have been walking around doing everything in a dazed confusion, I am not myself, I cannot concentrate, I cannot balance, I feel drowsy and just like a zombie walking around. My mind goes blank and it probably sounds ridiculous but I feel like one of those drawings where the eyes are just totally black and empty. I feel empty and hollow, yet I feel full, waiting to burst or explode, everything to start pouring out of me. I guess that time will come when I am ready.

xxxxx

Hey,
A poem I wrote about the whole thing that has been with me over the last few days.

I hate the way,
You occupy my mind,
I hate the way,
You sometimes seem kind,

I hate the way,
You fill every hour,
I hate the way,
I'm supposed to have power,

I hate the way,
You take over so fast,
I hate the way,
You wont stay in the past,

I hate the way,
You've become my friend,
I hate the way,
I dont want it to end,

I hate it when,
I give in and eat,
I hate it when,
Thoughts are hard to beat,

I hate it when,
I don't know what to do,
I hate it when,
I turn to you,

I hate the fact,
Your the only way,
I hate the fact,
You get me though each day,

I hate you because,
I want to be free,
I hate you because,
Your a part of me,

I hate the fact,
I can't work you out,
I hate the fact,
You make me want to shout,

You've sucked me in,
Disturbed my thoughts,
Your a love hate trap,
In which I am caught,

The stupid thing is,
I want to let go,
But your the thing,
I completely know,

I want you to stay,
Be with me forever,
But I hate you so much,
You seem so clever,

You've twisted and turned,
Every part of me,
I want you gone,
But I dont want you to leave.

Hey,

I feel confused, stuck and full of thoughts that just keep colliding, and are each the complete opposite of each other. It feels like my head is full of battles, little fights and one liner arguements leaving me with a result that is painful no matter which choice I make.

I'm back here again, my mind has been taken over by these intrusive thoughts, I'm stuck back in the middle of what feels like oblivion, and the funniest thing is I dont even know what triggered me, what brought it all back, and so quickly, I feel like I'm at the deepest I have ever been of this particular issue and its only taken me a matter of days to fall into this downward spiral and end up confused, hurt and just exhausted from constantly having these thoughts intruding upon everything, my time, my daily activities and my mental/emotional state.

So the whole 'eating' thing has returned, in full flow its taken from thursday last week until today (monday) to really knock me down again and fuck me up.

Every little decision I make is influenced by the stupid things going through my head.

It had all started creeping back in but I had ignored it, blamed it on stress, lied to myself that it was just the pressure of exams making me loose my appetite, and then last thursday morning I literally woke up and it was all there, I know how ridiculour that sounds but it was like overnight that it all started, or got worst at least. So on thursday I was in total panic, scared of where it was going again, so I went to speak to the pastoral support woman at school, who I have spoken to previously. I spent alot of time in her office over thrusday and friday just talking things through, but there were alot of things I just couldn't bring myself to say, either through embarrassment or guilt. At the end of thursday she gave me her email address, so that night I wrote an email, saying alot of the things that were going on in my head, she read it and replied on friday morning and I went back to her to speak about it after I read her reply.

Its so hard, I am being pulled two ways, I have two people inside of me each with their own minds, which are incredibly strong and complex. One of these people is the one that wants to be thin, wants to have control and just doesnt want to eat. The other person is the one who knows what is good for them, but for some reason just cant seem to get through.

I've got people helping me, and I feel so guilty because the sick side of me doesnt want the help, I want to become dangerously thin, that sounds so totally disgusting I can imagine, but I need to prove to myself its something I can do, I have the strength and the ability to perhaps brush with death and be able to bring myself out the other side.

I feel ashamed, why can't I just sort myself out, I feel like I have eaten an awful lot this weekend, but I know that it is probably just an average/normal amount, but I feel guilty for eating it,like I dont deserve to!

-

Hey,
Ok, so whilst I am writing this I am less than 24 hours away from leaving school, tommorow is my last day, tommorow we break up for study leave. Tommorow is going to be a day of tears, tissues, hugs and goodbyes.

I'm not sure whether I feel excited, nervous or both, so I'm trying not to think of it. I wish I could get a nice even balance of the two. For 5 years I've been waiting and praying for this day to come along, and now I just want to run and hide in a corner go back to year 7 and do it all again!!

God I'm going to cry so much, even though I'm going back to the exact same school to go to college. But there are people that arent, I am going to miss them so muhc 3 of my bestest friends are leaving and going to different places, its going to be so strange not seeing them everyday. God I am scared I'm not going to be able to cope without their hugs, their kind words and their reassurances. Texting just wont be the same.

I'm trying to look forward to prom, where we will all be together in the same room, but its going to be the last time =[ We will see each other through study leave but not everyday.

God its so depressing, and I mean that in a 100% seriously meaningful way, not just a off the cuff throwaway comment.

After prom its just all go go go, non stop exams until June 21st, well thats a lie I have a like 10 days gap between my first big lot and my second big lot. I'm not scared about the exams themselves, just the grades I get if that makes any sense? I think/ hope I pulled of my french ok. I managed to say a few things and it wasnt as embarrasing as I thought it would be.

Oh well roll on tommorow, the last day of school and the first day of the rest of my life.

xxx

Hey,
Well my moods have been all over the place the last week or so. It seems to be one extreme to the other. Its very tiring, and takes alot of getting to used to but I am starting to sort of take control of it and judge and predict how I am going to feel a bit better.

I think I last posted when I was in the middle of a total downer, I had so much to do and so little time! I was having a huge panic and just got myself all flustered. After having a bit of a hard day on tuesday last week, the next 4 or 5 days were brilliant I was on a total high and was feeling great, as I felt myself slipping something came along and just picked me up a little bit which was what I needed. I was able to hand in my D.T folder and project on time on Friday and get an A for it. Work was good, I had my tattoo done, all the little things added up to make a good few days. However last weekend, I had alot of trouble at work so I ended up feeling down on Monday and Tuesday. BUt the last few days I have managed to pick myself up a bit more, make some decisions and do a few things that are really positive and I think have perked me up a bit.

Like I said earlier its getting easier to judge myself, and I'm getting pretty good at it, but I am still expecting to get knocked of my feet without having the slightest clue its coming.

xxxx

Hey,
At the weekend I was very brave and got myself a tattoo, now most people think of teenagers and tattoo's and think that its a quick, off the cuff decision made without much thought, but I can assure you that my tattoo has had a huge amount of thought behind it, has a personal meaning and is basically not a waste of time or money.

I had been thinking of getting a tattoo done since around January, but didnt know what to have, I wanted something personal that I only knew the meaning to but I could tell people if I chose to. So I decided that it would be something that meant alot to me, but written in chinese. After looking on websites I checked out a few of my favourite sayings, and whilst looking I found the perfect one. I checked on a number of forum's and in my local chinese take away and asked what it meant, their answers matched what the website had said, so I moved on to the next step -finding somewhere that would do it.

We went to a town which is famous for the number of tattoo studio's there are, but none of them would do me a tattoo underage or without I.D. So I spoke to a couple of friends in school who were my age and had had tattoo's done, they told me where they got them and we went there this weekend.

As we walked in I heard the gun buzzing and my stomach flipped, but I really wanted the tattoo done and was happy to endure the pain to get what I wanted. I asked to have a tattoo and they said yes, we told them that I was going to be 16 in a week (its actually June) and she said on the form they ask for my age, just put 18. So I did.

I was given a price of £35, and the offer of numbing gel for an extra £10. I decided to not have the numbing gel because I had intended on going in their and having it done without it so I might as well anyway. So with no numbing gel I went into the proper studio area.

It was so clean!! I'm not joking I would have happily eaten my dinner from the floor, it was spotless and the bloke was very clean to. I lied down and he began. HOLY SHIT I dont think I had experienced so much pain since I did my back in a while ago. It was like I was being drawn on with a sharp pen, which realistically I kind of was, it felt like a sharp pain being dragged along deep under the skin. I was lying on my side and holding on to the arm of the chair so tightly. I swore once and it was when he did the little dot part of it. He said I was very brave for my first tattoo =]. He wrapped it in a cover and set me on my way.

So I had my tattoo and I had it for life. 4 days later I am still really pleased with it and other people seem to like it, its quite small and dainty so it doesnt take over my whole ankle. Its started to get a little sore the last 2 days because its healing and kind of scabbing over. But like I said I am so pleased with it!!

I've put a picture of it here:

And it means 'Don't Die Wondering'

One of the things I live my life by is if you want to try or do something get on and do it because you always be wondering what it would have been like if you had, and you'll never know if you dont do it whilst you can.

xxx

Hey,
My weekends seem to be so jam packed and busy that I dont even get chance to stop and relax, which in my opinion is what weekends are all about. Well last weekend was very busy, and so was this weekend, not as busy but still pretty full!

I worked on Thursday night and friday night, and went into work early on saturday morning so I could finish early, I started at 9.00 and finished at 11.00. I then went shopping with mum, I needed to get my bag for Prom, and I also went to see about a tattoo. Which I ended up getting =] I had had it planned for quite a while, and had really thought about having it, and I decided to have something that had a meaning that was personal to me. So I had a phrase written in chinese, on my ankle. I will probably be doing a seperate post about it!

After that I came home and only had half an hour or so before I had to be in work. So I got ready for work super quick and went in. After I finished work I went to a really good friend of mines 16th birthday party. It was a laugh and I enjoyed myself, although I arrived later than everyone else so they were all extremely drunk by the time I got there and I either had to catch up or not drink. Because I am on the tablets catching up and getting absolutely hammered was not an option, so I just decided to have the one (I spoke to the doctor and she said one wouldn't hurt). But anyway it was a bit horrible because everyone else was drunk and in a happy go lucky sort of mood whilst I was still pretty much sober, but like I said he was a very good friend of mine, and I had to go.

I came home from the party absolutely shattered and crashed into bed and fell asleep almost straight away, which for me is quite unusual. I woke up on Sunday morning, got up and went into work at 10.00 I worked until 3.00 in the afternoon. We werent overly busy and I was hyper so was feeling ok.

After working we went straight to my cousins house to look after her children for an hour, we walked them right across town and down to the park and back again, we ended up being in there for about 2 hours! I had come down from my hyper mood, so after the walk I felt really tired and groggy. My tiredness was catching up with me!!

After that I went home and got ready to go into work AGAIN. On sundat night I went into work and I couldnt stop yawning and could barely keep my eyes open. Again we werent overly busy but busy enough for me to realise how tired I was. I came home had a bath and went to bed. I had a bit of a lie in, and then spent most of monday looking after my baby cousin again, and doing some schoolwork. I went into work on Monday evening at 6.30 only to be sent home again at 7.15!!! I was not pleased but there will be more about that in another post.

So yeh all in all that was another super busy, super tiring weekend.

xxx

Hey,
Ok so, on the 27th of April, I had my follow up doctors appointment. I was a little nervous, but mum knew nothing about it (and still doesnt) so I was fine with that. I told her I was staying on after school to do D.T work and then going into town to get some bits and then Bex was going to give me a lift home. The plan worked perfectly and I was able to get in there, do what I had to do and get home again.

Just like before, the doctor was lovely, just asked about how I was getting on and how the tablets were going. I told her that the first few days they made me feel really tired, but that was ok because I was expecting it anyway. The second week I felt really good, I was able to get off to sleep, but was still waking up lots throughout the night, but my back was better, I wasnt having headaches and I was generally feeling better. On the third week it felt like the tablets had worn off and I wasnt feeling any of the benefits anymore, it was also like this on the 4th week. It was at the end of the 4th week that I was at the doctors. I was told to increase the dosage and see how I go, that was about two weeks ago and last week they seemed to kick in a bit more and I felt really good for the majority of the week but as the end of the week came near and more so this week I havent really felt any better. I feel stupid for thinking my body is used to it again, because surely thats not normal for me to get used to the tablets in what just under two weeks? causing me to not feel the benefits? Well I dont know.

Anyway, she wanted to see me again a month after that appointment, which is in about 2 weeks from now. I am going to have to book it soon and I have to work it in around exams and other things that are going on. She has told me we may need to increase it again, so it becomes 3 times more than what I first started on, if it is going to help I am happy to do it, but I'm just worried about what it will do to me? I guess I will just have to ask here whilst I am there.

Like I said before mum didnt and still doesnt know anything about the appointment, I dont think she even remembers I'm on the tablets, which to be honest is good in my eyes anyway. If I book another one I doubt I will be telling her about it, there is no need and its only more hassle.

xxx

Hey,
Ok so right now I'm sitting in bed, panicking alot about my french speaking exam that I am totally unprepared for. I haven't updated for absolutely ages and its simply because I either haven't been able to find time or haven't been able to find the energy. But alot has happened over the last few days (well it feels like a lot anyway), I have been thinking alot and I have been feeling up and down like a yo-yo. My head feels like its bursting and I think its because I havent been on here to 'vent' it all out. So I have decided to post! I am going to split it up into different posts because there is alot about different things and stuff so its easier to put them into seperate posts than have one huge long random one, and I cant remember whether I have told you some things or not so forgive me if I repeat myself.

xxx

Hey,
I plan on doing a proper post before bed tonight but for now its just this one.

This is a quote that is basically keeping me going at the moment, its from G.I Jane, and it was mentioned in The World Trade Center.

"Pain is your friend, it lets you know your still alive"

Its true and like I said, its one of the few things keeping me going at the moment.

xxxx