Hey,
I feel confused, stuck and full of thoughts that just keep colliding, and are each the complete opposite of each other. It feels like my head is full of battles, little fights and one liner arguements leaving me with a result that is painful no matter which choice I make.
I'm back here again, my mind has been taken over by these intrusive thoughts, I'm stuck back in the middle of what feels like oblivion, and the funniest thing is I dont even know what triggered me, what brought it all back, and so quickly, I feel like I'm at the deepest I have ever been of this particular issue and its only taken me a matter of days to fall into this downward spiral and end up confused, hurt and just exhausted from constantly having these thoughts intruding upon everything, my time, my daily activities and my mental/emotional state.
So the whole 'eating' thing has returned, in full flow its taken from thursday last week until today (monday) to really knock me down again and fuck me up.
Every little decision I make is influenced by the stupid things going through my head.
It had all started creeping back in but I had ignored it, blamed it on stress, lied to myself that it was just the pressure of exams making me loose my appetite, and then last thursday morning I literally woke up and it was all there, I know how ridiculour that sounds but it was like overnight that it all started, or got worst at least. So on thursday I was in total panic, scared of where it was going again, so I went to speak to the pastoral support woman at school, who I have spoken to previously. I spent alot of time in her office over thrusday and friday just talking things through, but there were alot of things I just couldn't bring myself to say, either through embarrassment or guilt. At the end of thursday she gave me her email address, so that night I wrote an email, saying alot of the things that were going on in my head, she read it and replied on friday morning and I went back to her to speak about it after I read her reply.
Its so hard, I am being pulled two ways, I have two people inside of me each with their own minds, which are incredibly strong and complex. One of these people is the one that wants to be thin, wants to have control and just doesnt want to eat. The other person is the one who knows what is good for them, but for some reason just cant seem to get through.
I've got people helping me, and I feel so guilty because the sick side of me doesnt want the help, I want to become dangerously thin, that sounds so totally disgusting I can imagine, but I need to prove to myself its something I can do, I have the strength and the ability to perhaps brush with death and be able to bring myself out the other side.
I feel ashamed, why can't I just sort myself out, I feel like I have eaten an awful lot this weekend, but I know that it is probably just an average/normal amount, but I feel guilty for eating it,like I dont deserve to!
