Hey,
This is about the fourth or fifth time I have sat down to try and write this. I haven't posted for quite a while now, well not properly at least. The reason I haven't posted is basically because I haven't been able to find the time to sit down as I like to and dedicate some quality time to writing a post. I have been so busy its unbelievably what with exams and everything else its been go go go non stop for the last few weeks, and the reason I have taken four or five goes to actually write this is because I am so exhausted right now, there has been a lot go on for me this last fortnight and it feels like its all to much to soon. But this blog is always here when I need it and right now that’s what I need, to post about the whole 'issue' going on in my life at the moment.
On the 14th of May, I had my prom, otherwise known as a leavers ball. It was a brilliant night and I really enjoyed it but what I didn’t realise is it was going to be a trigger to a build up of feelings that I had been having the last few months. My whole eating problem had come back with a vengeance. It was really full on and between Tuesday morning and Thursday morning I became tangled up in it all again. I decided that I needed to talk to someone and did so on Thursday. We talked a bit but it was hard to talk about my feelings about my eating to someone. The person I spoke to gave me her email address and that night I sent her an email, in which I was totally honest with her, as well as myself. It was quite an intense email but she replied and from there we decided it would be a good idea to share the way I am feeling with either my counsellor or my doctor. She offered to come with me to see the counsellor or if the school would allow it to come with me to the doctors for support and to have someone there who really knows me and all this.
After thinking and talking quite a bit I decided I felt uncomfortable with telling the counsellor so I made the choice of going to the doctors, with the support and assistance of this lady. I was nervous and totally scared about freezing up in front of the doctor because I knew how hard it was to talk to the other person about it.
Anyway, we went down to the doctors last Friday (the 25th) in the afternoon, after school. I was really nervous but I knew it was something I had to do. I first talked about my tablets and then moved on to talk about my eating. I told her that whereas before it was a physical thing not being able to swallow and feeling sick afterwards it has now become a mental/emotional thing. I couldn't tell her anymore and like I had feared- I froze up. The person I had emailed had printed the email off just in case this was going to happen and I decided that now was the time to show the doctor. There was an awkward (and what seemed very long) silence whilst she read the email, afterwards she asked more questions which I tried my hardest to answer but felt I didn't do very well.
After some talking my doctor decided I should see one of their counsellors at the surgery, she was going on and on talking about this, that and the other and what they can do for me. She also talked about me now working alongside their 'Eating Disorder Team' in order to get better again. She told me that I needed to start eating three meals a day no matter what, and that they cannot help me unless I eat. At this point she had to take a phone call and asked us to go outside the room and wait, this was ideal because I was able to talk to the lady that had brought me down about it all.
I told her exactly what I was thinking, that I wouldn't be able to go into the surgery and talk to someone there, it was to much to soon. I wanted to keep it all at school, that way it seemed more together and organised. I told her it would be a waste of everyone’s time and facilities to try and get me in there to talk to someone because it had taken me 4 months to open up to my counsellor properly when I first started seeing her a while back, and it took me this long to finally confide in her about the whole eating thing. Luckily she understood and told me that when we went back in there with the doctor I should tell her this.
I told the doctor most of what I told miss outside the room, and I told her that the thought of coming in and opening up to someone completely new made talking to my counsellor about it seem a lot less scary, but my doctor explained to me that I would need to talk to someone with certain skills and I would need to have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in order to get any better. Somehow she managed to sit me there and talk to me and I changed my mind, I don’t know how or why because its something I didn't want to do, and I don’t really want to do it now, but for some reason I said ok to it.
When I came out of the doctors I was angry, not with the doctor but with the whole thing, the depression, the eating and all the other stupid little things that come along with it. I was angry at myself, why couldn't I just kick myself get back up and carry on? Deal with things like everyone else manages to? Why do I have to do all this in order to get somewhere? What did I do wrong to have to end up dealing with all this? I couldn't stop asking questions. I felt angry and totally exhausted, I wanted to scream, just hit something, cry anything to get a release. I tried to do a post but I was that tired I couldn’t even concentrate.
Since Friday I have been wanting to sit down and actually go through all the crazy stuff going through my head but have just not been able to find the strength or energy to do it. I know I have been through it here but this is what happened, things that were said and the outcomes. There is so much more to it, and it all lies in my head. There are so many thoughts, opinions and feelings that are all jumbled up, racing around trying to grab something it can connect to. I so desperately want to think it all out and make myself feel more settled and clearer but for some reason I just cant. I can feel within me there is a rant, something that needs venting but I cant seem to find the words to describe the feelings that are so all over the place inside me.
Its so confusing and I feel like I have been walking around doing everything in a dazed confusion, I am not myself, I cannot concentrate, I cannot balance, I feel drowsy and just like a zombie walking around. My mind goes blank and it probably sounds ridiculous but I feel like one of those drawings where the eyes are just totally black and empty. I feel empty and hollow, yet I feel full, waiting to burst or explode, everything to start pouring out of me. I guess that time will come when I am ready.
xxxxx
