I'm only human.

Hey,
Yes another snippet from my leavers book, again it is from a teacher, well kind of, she doesn't actually teach a subject, she is a pastoral support partner, and the last month or so she has been amazing, no actually more than amazing, she stuck by me, listened to me for hours on end and most of all never gave up on me, even when I did myself.

"What can I say? Doesn't time fly? I'm not sure of your plans for the future- but whatever they are I know you will succeed.

Never stop believing in yourself, you can acheive whatever you dream. I believe in you!

You're a wonderful young lady, with a strong mind and a huge heart.

Good luck in all you do. Work hard, have fun and always always believe in yourself.

May there always be work for your hands to do,
May your purse always hold a coin or two,
May the sun always shine on your windowpane,
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain,
May the hand of a friend always be near you,
May the memory of school always cheer you."

Hey,
Another snippet from my leavers book, this was written by a teacher whom I am very close to, she has helped me through so much, she was the one I went to when I thought I couldn't go on any longer, she helped me out of that time and stayed beside me and helped me do what I needed to do, which was open up to my counsellor.

I love her so much, and I am so glad that she will be teaching me next year, she only teaches A1 and A2, so I've had to wait until college to actually be in her classes. This is the teacher that I entered for the best teacher award on my local radio. She didn't get it but she is still the best teacher I have ever come across!

What she wrote in my leavers book really really touched my heart and its something I will always always keep in my mind.

"Well what can I say? I have been teaching for nearly 19 years and I've met so many young people. Some always remain special and you are one of those!

You have many special qualities. I would need the whole book to write them all. Remember life is special, as are you! Believe in youself, always remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Equally remember there are so many of us that care so much about you and would always be willing to stay in that tunnel with you and hold the torch!

You are special, I care and remember I am always here for you."

It's the whole tunnel bit that got to me, she knows so much about me and knew exactly what to say.

Hey,
I have wanted to put this in my blog for a while now. It's something that was written in my leavers book back in may when it was my last few days of compulsory school. Now that my exams are over it seems like a good time to finally get it on here.

It was written by one of my best friends, its something she found on the internet, some of it is copied and some of it she wrote herself, I love it, whenever I find myself a bit lost with things I look back at it and something always gets to me and sorts me out. So here it is:

"Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself to others,
It is because we are different that each of us is special,
Don't set goals by what other people deem important,
Only you know what is best for you,

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart,
Cling to them as you would your life for without them, life is meaningless,
Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future,
By living your life one day at a time you live all the days of your life,

Don't give up when you still have something to give,
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying,
Don't be afraid to admit thayt you are less than perfect,
It is this fragile thread that binds us to eachother,

Don't be afraid to encounter risks,
It is by taking chances we learn to be brave,
Don't shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find,
The quickest way to recieve love is to give love,
The fastest way to lose love is to hold on to tightly,
And the best way to keep love is to give it wings,

Don't dimiss your dreams to be without dreams is to be without hope,
To be without hope is to be without purpose.
Don't run through life so fast, that you forget not only where you've been,
But also where you're going.

Life is not a race, a race for acceptance,
But a journey to be savoured each step of the way."

(Wrote this lastnight)

Hey,
Ok the title, Racing Stripes, awesome film, I'm just watching the end of it now, it gets me every single time. It's such a feel good film! I love it so much, its great to watch when you feel like maybe you can't do something, and you get the total you can do anything motivation vibe from it. I just watched it for the hell of it, no matter how good I am feeling it makes me feel even better eveyr time. I get the heeby jeebies when he's winning the race at the end. God so sad but such a fantastic film!

OK well after doing those other two posts that are kind of specifically about something this one will probably seem really random, but there are lots of little bits I kind of want to talk about so their all going in this one together.

God, I feel great, really fantastic which is so so nice for a change. I think its because of the relief of exams just being lifted. I didn't realise quite how much pressure I was getting from the exams and for how long, I feel that months and months of build up have finally been released. I haven't been able to get excited about all the great things that are happening soon, and after doing my last exam yesturday (Oh yes!) I feel so much lighter and free from everything.

On monday and tuesday I was feeling pretty down, well actually I felt like shit, but I seem to have gone full circle within about three days, gone from feeling really low, and feeling back down again, to 3 days later feeling absolutely amazing. There is something about it this time that feels different, normally it takes so much effort to stay in a good mood, it feels like I have to work really hard to be light hearted, funny, smiling...happy. But this time, oh my god I cannot explain it, it feels natural, normal. It's coming so easily, I haven't got to work hard, although saying that there have been moments where for a few minutes where I have had to kick myself and kind of say 'Dont think that', and when I start to feel like that I just keep myself busy to literally block those feelings out.

I can't believe I was scared of feeling this way, yes as screwed up as it sounds I really was. I had forgotten what it felt like, I didn't know whether I would like it, whether I would still be the same person, all I have known for the past few years are my lows, the doom and gloom of everything, and now again the total high's where I manage to kid myself for just a few days that I was happy. Now I actually feel happy. I am in no way getting my hopes up like I have SO many times before but I am going to make this last as long as I can.

I am finally able to get excited about things, I saw my exam yesturday (thursday) as the last hurdle, the time where I can finally let myself go and start thinking about the future and all the awesome things that lie ahead of me these next few weeks. I have been putting it off for weeks and weeks and weeks, and now suddenly it's all hit my smack in the face all at once, the excitement of some pretty cool things. I am overwelmed by it.

The next few weeks are unbelievably busy for me, I've got a party tomorrow night, which I am kind of excited about because its like the first party the first milestone after my exams. In 3 days I turn 16! I'm not as excited about it as I thought I would be but I'm still excited which is wicked. On thursday I go to do my CBT (Compulosory Basic Training) for my motorbike so I can get on the road with my bike. Then Friday I have my 16th Birthday party which I am sooooo looking forward to because so many people are coming. I'm having it in the pub where I used to work so I wont have to worry about anything getting broken or puke being everywhere! I've got live entertainment that I've organised and its just going to be so exciting. Surrounded by all of myfriends, that party really will mark the begining of a long awesome super packed summer. Oh my god I cant wait!! Then a week after my party I set off to Morocco for 2 weeks.

I'm a little scared about coming back from my holiday and hitting a low because it's going to be a total anti-climax all the excitement will be gone, but I'm determined to keep thinking positive, I am going to plan and organise some things ready for when I get back to keep me busy, and if I do feel down, well I'll deal with it if and when the time comes.

I've managed to get lots done this week, I think its part of feeling so happy which has given me a kick up the butt and the motivation to get it all done. It felt like forever since I wrote a to do list, and the other night I was in bed and my head was spinning, this to do, that to do, I couldn't get off to sleep! So I wrote it all down, a nice big A4 list, and on wednesday I managed to get most of it done. Its was all sorts, from editing photo's, buying an SD card, researching about holiday, researching information about my dog, sorting my phone out, look at bike tax, look at bike insurance, book my CBT, there was loads and it felt so great to get it all done. There are a few things to still do but its all under control.

I feel like life if somehow changed these past few weeks, damn they have been bloody hard but somewhere somehow something clicked and now it feels awesome and I'm reaping it for all I can. I understand that this could all change so quickly and I guess I'm actually waiting for a downer which I shouldn't, see I'm thinking negative so I'm going to close this off now and go and find something to do!

xxxx

Hey,
Since coming to the end of my exams I have been feeling great, alot more settled which is good, its nice. Feels a bit weird but I'm getting used to it, and enjoying it whilst I can.

Last Friday when I had my little 'moment' when I felt so relieved about everything, I realised that I needed to get more tablets pretty soon because I'm going on holiday and I don't have enough to get me through.

A few nights ago, I sat down and had a serious think about these tablets and what they are doing for me, I was honest with myself and realised that they aren't actually doing much, yeh ok, when I am feeling anxious they calm me down a bit and keep my grounded but that isn't worth the effects they are having on me.

I haven't had many side effects from the tablets apart from having a dry mouth from constantly feeling thirsty, no matter how much I drink. I mean the last month or so I have been drinking about 3-4 litres of water a day. Which is more than I used to but I am still getting a really dry mouth and waking up in the night feeling really dehydrated, dry mouth, dry throat, headache and dizzy. I never used to get this thristy before taking the tablets.

I have also found that whenever I get up, like get out of bed in the morning, or get up from sitting down, I always feel really dizzy, I kind of have to sit back down and sort myself out before trying to get back up again. It's quite scary and there have been times when I have got out of bed in the middle of the night or in the morning and fallen over or had to grab the wall to stop myself from falling over.The room starts spinning almost like I am drunk, when obviously I'm not.

Another thing I have found is that they are playing havoc with my memory, I always used to be able to remember all the little details about things throughout my day, now I sit down and I can't remember a thing, its all blurred in my memory and it scares me that I cannot remember details from my own day, a day I have actually lived. Its crazy.

The main thing it is doing is making me feel ridiculously drowsy, along with the blurred memory I feel like I myself am blurred, I've totally slowed down, I can't focus well at all. You know when people get angry and their eyes kind of glaze over? Well thats how I feel, glazed over, behind a foggy windscreen, and I hate it.

Sooooo, I've made the decision to come off of my medication. It's doing more harm than good, and I'm feeling alot more relaxed and happy at the moment. I've got an exciting few weeks ahead of me and I don't want to be fazed and blurred for all of that.

I popped into the doctors yesturday to make an appointment but my doctor goes on holiday today, I explained to the receptionist that I'm on tablets that I no longer want to be on but I wanted to talk to the doctor before doing anything. The receptionist kindly put a message through to my doctor to give me a ring, which she did. We talked about how I was feeling, and that I felt the tablets were doing more harm than good. She said it sounds like a good idea to come off them.

She has told me to cut down to one dose a night for a week, and then cut down to one dose every other day for a week then come off them completely, I may feel a few withdrawal symptoms but I should find that I am ok. SO I am going to be off of my tablets before my holiday which is good! I didn't want the hassle of having to take them abroad so I'm feeling really relieved all ready.

She mentioned I may find it really difficult to sleep because my body with me confused, I might be fidgety during the night and not get much sleep, she said I may get headaches also.

I cut down to one lastnight and I don't know whether it was my subconscious or what it was but I just couldn't get to sleep, maybe it was from feeling so good, I have no idea.I also have a bit of a headache today but I can live with it.

I am excited about the fact of being free from them, I understand that I may drop again, especially after all the excitement of things dies down and when I come back from my holiday, so I am prepared for that. The doctor said on the phone to go back and see her soon, so I am going to make an appointment when I get back from my holiday and see how I am feeling then.

xxx

Hey,
I was going to do this after my last post but for some reason I just haven't done it, kind of been busy what with having my last exam and everything. But this post is going to be an update about my back.

On Monday I went to the chiropractor, I was really nervous and I wanted to go but I also didn't because I was scared off what they were going to do.

So I got in there and I had to fill in a 'new client' form. Just all my details and stuff, I had to shade in this diagram of where the pain was and stuff. At the bottom it had a list of conditions and problems with a load of tick boxes, one of the was depression but I couldn't tick it because mum was there and obviously I didn't want her to know. I felt bad and I realised that the chiropractor must have to know for a reason otherwise it wouldn't be on here, but I just left it. It also said about medication which I couldn't write either because of the whole mum thing.

I got in the room, and we sat down for about 45 minutes just talking about all the things I have done to my mself over the years, I didn't realise how much I had injured myself in the past. When mum was having me my shoulder got stuck and there was complications, when I was younger I was hanging upside down from monkey bars and fell straight on my head, I damaged my neck. When I crashed my car (long story) I concussed myself and had whip lash. I concussed myself when I went surfing once and of course there was the trampoling incident a litte while back. Apparently all these injuries could cause the problems I am having.

She decided that I should have x-rays, which I did, all fourteen of them. After doing them she took them off and she said that they take about 30 minutes to come out properly so I wont be able to see them until next time, but if there was something she wanted us (me and mum) to see she would bring them back straight away. She went off to get them developed or whatever they do to them, and then came back.

She had brought one of the x-rays back with her, I was like what the hell? I though maybe she brought another one in to show me what they are trying to prevent or something, but then I saw that there were hair grips on the x-ray and I remember that I had left mine in. It was an x-ray of my neck and it looked a right state, and thats coming from someone who doesn't even know what its supposed to look like! She told me that my neck is curving the wrong way, and that the top and bottom vertebrate were supposed to be lined up but they weren't at all. She told me that this was quite serious and that there was a lot of work to do.

So I have a reversed curve in my beck which is causing a curve half way down my spine. She also said that I have an 'abnormal' arhc in my lower back which is putting pressure on my hips, which explains why they are twisting and aching. She weighed me and I am 8 pounds heavier on my right side than my left side.

After explaining a few things that she had found out from that one x-ray and said that in the next appointment she will lay all the x-rays down, and talk through every little detail so that we understand completely what is going on with me.

She told me that I am going to need about 25 hours of work, and if that doesn't work I may have to go to London to have an artificial vertebrate put in the top of my neck. I am so scared about this, she has told me that she cant promise anything but she is feeling positive.

That was all on monday and I was feeling crap, she did a little work on me so I was feeling light headed, lethargic and I was aching lots, BUT *thinking positive* its all for the best.

On tuesday I was still feeling kind of, well, really crap, so I went into school, I was planning on going in but I knew if I stayed at home, I would just pitter patter around thinking about my back and just run myself into the ground. I got the chance to see my counsellor, I had originally booked an appointment for thursday but managed to change it to tuesday, so I was able to vent it all out in there and talk it through. I told her about not being able to tell the chiropractor about the depression and the medication, and she thought she should know about it.

The chiropractor is about a 5 minute walk from school, so I decided instead of thinking about it for days and getting myself wound up about it to just go over do it and get it over with. I walked over with a mate, kind of for moral support I guess. When I went in I was so lucky because a friend of mine was working at the reception, I told her to make sure she didn't tell mum she had seen me and explained that I couldn't tell the chirpractor things because mum was there and was wondering whether I could have a quick chat. Within about 5 minutes I was in talking to the chiropractor.

I told her about the depression, the medication and asked her to not tell mum, she was kind of shocked at the medication I was and was asking questions about it, and was also really shocked about mum not knowing anything about it, bu she still promised not to tell her. When I was done with telling her about that she asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell her, and I remember that she had asked about any sudden weight loss or gain,so I told her about my problem with eating. She was really understanding and really nice about it, she said that I had put her in a difficult position but she was going to keep quiet about it. She also told me that she is going to need to ask my questions about that so mum will have to be out of the room, I was worried because I know mum will ask what was asked but she explained that sometimes she has to assess me on my own in the room anyway so she can save any questions until then. I'm just hoping and praying she doesn't let it slip or anything

My next appointment is Wednesday, she wanted to see me as soon as possible and thats the only appointment we could do, its in the morning so I've got the rest of the day to 'recover', because it does make you feel like crap afterwards, but she told me that it was normal so its ok.

I am feeling a bit better about it, after talking it through with my counsellor I haven't really thought about it until now, but I've just got to be thankful that the problem was found now, because its like anything the earlier its found the better it is and at least now it can start to get sorted.

xxx

Hey,
This is an update to basically talk about how I have been doing the last few days, well since my last post anyway. This is going to be about my eating and my feelings I am going to do another post updating about something there has been some progress with.

After doing some research on Thursday night and doing those posts it made me feel like there really was something good there waiting for me. A light at the end of the tunnel, it might be a long tunnel and it might only be a tiny tiny speck of light but the significance of it being there is something to take into account.

On Friday night I ended up babysitting for my cousin, it was what I needed, a whole evening to myself, somewhere different the television, my own space. I stuck the T.V on and grabbed a cuppa, settled down on the sofa and just started thinking, normally when I start to think its a downward spiral which I just can't seem to get myself out of no matter what.

It felt strange to be thinking really positively, really suddenly I felt this huge rush of... I don't know I cannot explain it. After a while I noticed I was crying, I couldn't think why, of course I started to think of what sort of negative/bad things would make me cry, and even though there has been so much going on there was nothing negative. I was crying from relief, I couldn't believe it. I felt like something had just budged. I was just totally shook up from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but in a good way.

I saw my counsellor on Friday, she said this week that I worked really hard on that day, she could she how difficult it was for me to talk about different things but she could see that I knew I needed to so I pushed myself. We talked about new things, well things we had touched upon many times before but we just talked about it differently, in a different light. It was one of few sessions where I actually walked out with a smile on my face feeling immediately like I had got somewhere.

I still feel like I am stuck, but I'm starting to lift my body out of the quicksand and am begining another struggle and instead of this time going through it, I am coming out of it.

I understand there will be times where I will fall back and this positive outlook on things will totally disappear. But for now this is where its at and this is where I hope it will stay.

I had one of my first tests on Sunday, and rather than the feeling disappearing I felt like it was snatched from me. I came home from my dad's and my mum started nagging as soon as I came in the door. She wound me up, she was making stupid comments and just making me feel angry. She was talking loads of crap about shit I just didn't need to hear but she just kept shoving it at me making me listen. I got that angry that I ended up just going in my room and staying there, without talking to or acknowledging her at all. I cannot explain how angry I was with her. How dare she take my hapiness away from me?

I also had another test yesturday, which I am still in the process of dealing with, coming to terms with and understanding completely. I managed to change my appointment with my counsellor from thursay to today so got to talk to her today which was good and really helped. I was going to do the post about it all tonight but after writing this one I am feeling tired so have decided to do it tomorrow now.

xxx

Hey,
The person I spoke to today suggested I do some research on foods that contain serotonin so that when I do eat, I eat these types of food and can release some 'happy hormones'. So I have taken her advice and here is a list of 'happy' foods.

My Happy Foods List

-Bananas
-Walnuts
-Orange Juice
-Chocolate
-Strawberries
-Cherries
-Orange
-Mango
-Pineapple
-Hazelnuts
-Milk
-Chicken
-Kiwi
-Plum
-Tomato

Hey,
As I mentioned in the post I just did I am going to do some more posts mainly for myself but could also help others out there who are having the same or some simular problems as I am.

After researching over the internet and looking on forums I have come up with a distraction list for myself.

My Distraction List
1.Read?
2.Write?
3.Play with dog?
4.Walk dog?
5.Wash dog?
6.Groom dog?
7.Experiment with make up?
8.Experiment with new hair styles?
9.Make a CD?
10.Make a video?
11.Take some photos?
12.Name all photos?
13.Post photo's on deviant art?
14.Edit photos?
15.Play on photoshop?
16.Draw?
17.Do cross stitch?
18.Do a tapestry?
19.Do latch-hook cushion?
20.Make a bag?
21.Make a cushion?
22.Design a t-shirt?
23.Make a t-shirt?
24.Tidy room?
25.Sort CDs into alphabetical order?
26.Sort DVDs into alphabetical order?
27.Dig out an old book?
28.Make/ add to BOS?
29.Make a collage of photos?
30.Make a collage that represents you?
31.Write a poem?
32.Write in blog?
33.Make a collage for a friend?
34.Make a friendship bracelet for a friend?
35.Text a friend?
36.Phone a friend?
37.Do some oragami?
38.Write a letter?
39.Start a new project?
40.Do some schoolwork?
41.Make a time capsule?
42.Have a bath?
43.Have a shower?
44.Wash hair?
45.Do a wordsearch?
46.Do some sudoku?
47.Do a crossword?
48.Customize some clothes?
49.Write a song?
50.Read your horoscope?
51.Record your day in photos?
52.Play chess?
53.Play a card game?
54.Go for a walk?
55.Go for a swim?
56.Go for a run?
57.Go to the beach?
58.Go to some woods?
59.Go for a bike ride?
60.Watch a chick flick?
61.Watch a disney film?
62.Do a jigsaw puzzle?
63.Read a magazine?
64.Make some jewellery?
65.Make a scrapbook?
66.Add to scrap book?
67.Write a life list?
68.Add to a life list?
69.Write a to do list?
70.Do things from your to do list?
71.Learn about body language?
72.Look at peoples body language?
73.Go for a ride on motorbike?
74.Go visit a friend?
75.Meet up for a drink with a friend?
76.Take younger relatives for a walk to the park?
77.Visit a relative?
78.Go shopping? =]
79.Buy birthday presents?
80.Clean motorbike?
81.Make a candle?
82.Visit the library?
83.Return books to the library?
84.Watch the sunset?
85.Get up early and watch the sunrise?
86.Buy a mosaic kit?
87.Use the mosaic kit?
88.Research family history?
89.Take up a type of martial art?
90.Have a massage?
91.Book a hair appointment?
92.Go to a rock and roll dance class?
93.Go to a line dancing class?
94.Organise a night out?
95.Organise a day out?
96.Go to a theme park?

Hey,

After today I am feeling a bit more positive and I actually feel like I'm back on the road to recovery, its going to be lots of little steps but eventually they will get me somewhere. Its taken me about 3 weeks to get back in this frame of mind and I'm determined to keep it this way for as long as I can.

Something good happened today, it was small but it was good and I think it was a positive step in the right direction. I managed to eat something for lunch, it was only a few small handfuls of muesli, crunchy cereal stuff but I ate some of it, and I felt okay about it. I wasn't feeling guilty or anything, although I didn't feel as good about the achievement as I thought I would but at least I did it.

If the time ever comes where its hard to eat I know that if I really want to I can, because I did it today. Its a point which I can look back to and feel positive about.

This whole mood/feeling came from talking to someone, I had spoken to her the week before I went to the doctors, she is someone who kind of has first hand knowledge about eating disorders because her best friend had one whilst they were in school. I hadn't really told her about the mental side of it all but today I did. She gave me lots of advice, and kind of helped me make a plan and have a little bit of structure, she gave me ideas and things to go off and do and try.

One was to not spend so much time on the computer, she said it would be a good idea to only go on the computer to do something specific rather than just go on whatever I fancy. Have a purpose and an aim. Because although computers stimulate the brain they can sometimes be quite negative.

So she suggested trying to do more exercise and perhaps picking up a few new hobbies. I have been using a great website lately www.recoveryourlife.com and there are loads of ideas and things on there to help aid recovery.

I am going to do a few posts on here, so that the information I need is here whenever I want/need it and I can come back to it whenever I want to.

So thats the latest update and its nice to have something positive to say for a change. I'm actually smiling about little things that make me happy, maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I may have to turn back and get new batteries for my torch every now and then but the light is always there, I just need to widen my eyes and look out for it.

=]

xx

Hey,

Well apart from all the stuff going on with my eating something else came up about two weeks ago to do with my back problems as a result of my trampolining accident.

I was just about to start having my massage, when my mum asked Sam (the woman who does my back) if I was going to have back ache for the rest of my life. Sam said that it was possible and that it probably wouldn't be a bad idea for me to see a chiropractor and get it sorted properly.

She asked me to stand uo straight against the wall so she could have a look at me, I had to stand there in my underwear whilst she looked at different points on my body. This will probably sound strange but I have always said to my mum that I feel lopsided and heavier on one side, when I looked into the mirror different parts of me always looked out of place.

I have always told my mum this but like any of my other health problems she never took any notice and didn't seem to care.

After being poked and proded for about ten minutes Sam told me that I am lopsided. My ears, my neck, the tops of my shoulders, my shoulder blades, my bottom cheeks, my knees and the backs of my ankles are all out of line. After being poked and proded some more she managed to work out that my right hip is twisting forward causing the rest of me to be all out of line.

She said that when she first started doing my back it wasn't this bad, and that is was obviously getting worse. She also said that it could be quite serious, she had never seen someone as young as me with this problem before. The youngest she had seen was a girl who was 17, they didn't get anything done about it and by 27 she had curvature of the spine and could barely walk. I was quite upset about the whole thing, but also relieved because mum finally had no excuse not to believe what I was saying. Sam actually made her stand behind me and look how out of line I was.

Sam told mum to ring up as soon as possible and book an appointment with the chiropractor. Of course like usual I had to keep asking mum to ring up everyday for over a week. She started getting really annoyed with me about it, and I was begining to think she never actually intended to ring them, which isn't unusual and didn't suprise me the slightest bit. Last week she finally rang them up and made me an appointment for the 18th of June, its going to be really expensive, and my mum has made a point of reminding me of this at every possible oppurtunity.

She winds me up because what did she expect? Have children and not have to pay anything extra if something like this came along? I am really angry with her at the moment, but I wont go into that now.

Sam also told me, when I got about 2 minutes privacy with her that all the parts that are out of line have nerve endings that are connected to the brain and if they are damaged they can actually cause mental/emotional problems or make them worse or harder to deal with.

It was upsetting to find it all out, and to make things worse mum thinks its hilarious to be calling me loppy or twisted whenever she gets the chance, whether we have company or not.

I just hope that I can get it sorted, and that it isn't to serious.

xxxx

Hey,
Well its been a while since my last post where I was really angry with the doctor and basically just getting some of my feelings out about the issue. So this is basically an update of whats going on for me at the moment with the whole eating thing. It may be a little disjointed and confusing but thats how it is in my head, so I'm guessing thats how it will come out in here. Its more about getting the thoughts out rather than the actual things that have been going on about it, if that makes any sense? I am going to do a seperate post about the actual happenings in the last few days.

Towards the end of my last post I mentioned having alot of motivation powered by anger, and I was scared about falling back into it all again. Well unfortunately I did, on the wednesday the 30th of May, 5 days after seeing the doctor it all came back into my head. I was doing well, I was able to eat without thinking to much about it, I felt guilty but it was controlable. But on that Wednesday night the thoughts came into my head, thick and fast, it was like within an hour I was back to square one with it all. Its so hard to see a way out of this, I was doing well and I just crashed, it was so disappointing, I was upset with myself for not being stronger and not being able to control or fight the voice in my head. Its so hard to fight the other side of me, it always wins whichever side I choose.

For example, I am feeling hungry and I want something to eat but the voice inside my head it telling me not to have anything, so I dont. Then I end up feeling bad because I know people are trying to help me and I'm not even helping myself by eating. On the other hand I do have something to eat, afterwards I have to deal with the voice in my head telling me things because I ate, making me feel guilty, heavy and ashamed.

I haven't told anyone but since that Wednesday I have had some of the lowest days I think I have ever had to get through. I have hidden behind the lies of feeling tired because of exams or because of having so much to do, which in a sense is definitely true therefore not a lie, but more an excuse. I have felt so low, I have been waking up in the mornings and just wanting to go back to sleep through fear of not knowing how on earth I am going to get through the day. When I walk into exams my head is spinning I feel fuzzy and I just can't think about doing the exam my head is full of all this instead.

It is such a hard battle, every litte simple everyday thing is so trivial and difficult there is always two sides to every single activity throughout the day, one of them being the 'real' me and the other being this other side. It's so exhausting to fight yourself, I think because when you are in an arguement with somebody else you can walk away however its not like you can walk away from your mind and all the thought process' going through your head.

When I felt myself slipping on that wednesday night I tried so hard to stop myself letting the other side in. I kept myself so busy, walking around doing things, I was doing so much so fast I was actually out of breath, just because I couldn't allow a single second of free time to seep into my head because the results would just be to bad.

I am still feeling really confused about this whole thing, one minute I can be sat there and I get up with a smile on my face because I know I have just figured something out and made something more clearer, and then other times its just all zooming around my head, a huge, disconnected, jumbled mess. I don't know whether I want to get better yet. There is something holding me back. I need this to deal with the depression, it stops me from feeling the way that depression makes me feel. It's my way of forgetting, concentrating on not having something to eat takes my thoughts away from how crap I feel, and that feeling is caused by something I cant control, which makes it different from how crap I feel from not eating. I am the one who has made me feel hungry, and for some reason that's easier to deal with than feeling crap because of something that has happened in the past that was totally out of my control.

I'm scared of how I will deal with the depression if and when this eating thing is gone. There are people who want to help me, people who are trying to help me and I cant even help myself by having something to eat instead of making myself go hungry. When I am faced with the possibilty of not being able to do or acheieve something, that gives me more motivation to actually get on and do it. Its been with everything from school work, to silly games. But this time, I am the one who thinks I can't do it, other people seem to think I can but I just cannot picture or imagine myself free from this in the future. I have all these hopes and dreams, and I want to do them, I know that if I don't dedicate myself completely to getting better I wont be able to acheive all my aims, hopes and dreams.

Its hard because all the little things I have picked up and used to not eat are the things I also need to do to recover, but positively instead of negatively. Distracting yourself is a fine example. When you havent eaten you do something to distract you from how hungry you are feeling. But also when you have just eaten something you have to distract yourself from the thoughts that are creeping in and wait for them to give up their fight. I wish somehow I could have a total attitude change, I'm hoping that maybe the CBT will do something like this.

There are some positive parts in me, and slowly they are beginging to build up, I can feel myself getting stronger but it is a really really slow process. A week of positive thinking can be taking away and broken by an hour of negative thinking, and once all that postive thinking has gone and the negatives are starting to eat away at something that isn't even there is when you hit the downward spiral, as I have done a few times the last week or so.

I have thought myself a little sort of 'mantra', sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. It's simple and easy to remember and I'm trying my hardest to apply it to my thinking and actions.

'Bit by Bit, Day by Day'

There have been many days where I have been thinking about how I have failed again one way or another, and sometimes the positive side of me calls out 'There is always tomorrow'. I have been trying to follow that religiously the last few days, and it has been something that has got me through, counting down the hours to another day where I can simply start over. Although this hasn't worked the last few days, I keep thinking there are only so many 'off day's' I can have, and I start to feel guilty and stupid for letting myself down so many days in a row.

I want to get better so badly, I want to break free from this, I want to have time in the day that isn't completely full of this whole eating thing. I want to break out of the traps that depression and eating have enclosed me in, its going to be so hard but I am hoping and praying that somehow, somewhere I can do it, because hopefully once I'm there, there will be no going back again.

I keep trying to work out what this is all about, control? Yes sometimes, I am making the decision not to eat although part of me knows I am not in control as much as I like to think I am, otherwise surely I would be able to just snap out of this? I am making the deicision to not eat, but as the spiral downwards gets longer I have started to realise I am not in control at all.

I think part of this is punishment for myself, I don't feel worthy enough to allow myself to have the enjoyment of food, instead it has got to be something I fear, something bad for me. I am weak for not being able to cope with all the things that have been thrown at me, but because I am causing myself this pain its like turning around and saying I am strong because I can do this to myself and so far I am living with it. This is something I have come to know, get used to and at times even like. I recognise the feeling, and I am trying to persuade myself by doing this I am strong.

I know that what I need to be able to say is 'I am strong because I can walk away from this, I can deal with things without this'. But its so hard to do that, and right now, I'm not ready for it.

Each time I kind of slip, or in the evening when I look back across the day and realise what has been done, that I failed to win against the voice, I try to dig deep down and bring out those positive thoughts, and remembering there are rare times where I do feel strong, perhaps even powerful enough to get through this and some how overcome it. Sometimes this is enough to 'forgive' myself for a bad day, sometimes its not and the guilt or shame can lie with me for days.

I hate the way all the issue's that need sorting or coming to terms with are always always endless circles. I need to break them, I know that, but its still frustrating having to do that in the first place.

xxx