I'm only human.

Hey,

Well apart from all the stuff going on with my eating something else came up about two weeks ago to do with my back problems as a result of my trampolining accident.

I was just about to start having my massage, when my mum asked Sam (the woman who does my back) if I was going to have back ache for the rest of my life. Sam said that it was possible and that it probably wouldn't be a bad idea for me to see a chiropractor and get it sorted properly.

She asked me to stand uo straight against the wall so she could have a look at me, I had to stand there in my underwear whilst she looked at different points on my body. This will probably sound strange but I have always said to my mum that I feel lopsided and heavier on one side, when I looked into the mirror different parts of me always looked out of place.

I have always told my mum this but like any of my other health problems she never took any notice and didn't seem to care.

After being poked and proded for about ten minutes Sam told me that I am lopsided. My ears, my neck, the tops of my shoulders, my shoulder blades, my bottom cheeks, my knees and the backs of my ankles are all out of line. After being poked and proded some more she managed to work out that my right hip is twisting forward causing the rest of me to be all out of line.

She said that when she first started doing my back it wasn't this bad, and that is was obviously getting worse. She also said that it could be quite serious, she had never seen someone as young as me with this problem before. The youngest she had seen was a girl who was 17, they didn't get anything done about it and by 27 she had curvature of the spine and could barely walk. I was quite upset about the whole thing, but also relieved because mum finally had no excuse not to believe what I was saying. Sam actually made her stand behind me and look how out of line I was.

Sam told mum to ring up as soon as possible and book an appointment with the chiropractor. Of course like usual I had to keep asking mum to ring up everyday for over a week. She started getting really annoyed with me about it, and I was begining to think she never actually intended to ring them, which isn't unusual and didn't suprise me the slightest bit. Last week she finally rang them up and made me an appointment for the 18th of June, its going to be really expensive, and my mum has made a point of reminding me of this at every possible oppurtunity.

She winds me up because what did she expect? Have children and not have to pay anything extra if something like this came along? I am really angry with her at the moment, but I wont go into that now.

Sam also told me, when I got about 2 minutes privacy with her that all the parts that are out of line have nerve endings that are connected to the brain and if they are damaged they can actually cause mental/emotional problems or make them worse or harder to deal with.

It was upsetting to find it all out, and to make things worse mum thinks its hilarious to be calling me loppy or twisted whenever she gets the chance, whether we have company or not.

I just hope that I can get it sorted, and that it isn't to serious.

xxxx

Hey,
Well its been a while since my last post where I was really angry with the doctor and basically just getting some of my feelings out about the issue. So this is basically an update of whats going on for me at the moment with the whole eating thing. It may be a little disjointed and confusing but thats how it is in my head, so I'm guessing thats how it will come out in here. Its more about getting the thoughts out rather than the actual things that have been going on about it, if that makes any sense? I am going to do a seperate post about the actual happenings in the last few days.

Towards the end of my last post I mentioned having alot of motivation powered by anger, and I was scared about falling back into it all again. Well unfortunately I did, on the wednesday the 30th of May, 5 days after seeing the doctor it all came back into my head. I was doing well, I was able to eat without thinking to much about it, I felt guilty but it was controlable. But on that Wednesday night the thoughts came into my head, thick and fast, it was like within an hour I was back to square one with it all. Its so hard to see a way out of this, I was doing well and I just crashed, it was so disappointing, I was upset with myself for not being stronger and not being able to control or fight the voice in my head. Its so hard to fight the other side of me, it always wins whichever side I choose.

For example, I am feeling hungry and I want something to eat but the voice inside my head it telling me not to have anything, so I dont. Then I end up feeling bad because I know people are trying to help me and I'm not even helping myself by eating. On the other hand I do have something to eat, afterwards I have to deal with the voice in my head telling me things because I ate, making me feel guilty, heavy and ashamed.

I haven't told anyone but since that Wednesday I have had some of the lowest days I think I have ever had to get through. I have hidden behind the lies of feeling tired because of exams or because of having so much to do, which in a sense is definitely true therefore not a lie, but more an excuse. I have felt so low, I have been waking up in the mornings and just wanting to go back to sleep through fear of not knowing how on earth I am going to get through the day. When I walk into exams my head is spinning I feel fuzzy and I just can't think about doing the exam my head is full of all this instead.

It is such a hard battle, every litte simple everyday thing is so trivial and difficult there is always two sides to every single activity throughout the day, one of them being the 'real' me and the other being this other side. It's so exhausting to fight yourself, I think because when you are in an arguement with somebody else you can walk away however its not like you can walk away from your mind and all the thought process' going through your head.

When I felt myself slipping on that wednesday night I tried so hard to stop myself letting the other side in. I kept myself so busy, walking around doing things, I was doing so much so fast I was actually out of breath, just because I couldn't allow a single second of free time to seep into my head because the results would just be to bad.

I am still feeling really confused about this whole thing, one minute I can be sat there and I get up with a smile on my face because I know I have just figured something out and made something more clearer, and then other times its just all zooming around my head, a huge, disconnected, jumbled mess. I don't know whether I want to get better yet. There is something holding me back. I need this to deal with the depression, it stops me from feeling the way that depression makes me feel. It's my way of forgetting, concentrating on not having something to eat takes my thoughts away from how crap I feel, and that feeling is caused by something I cant control, which makes it different from how crap I feel from not eating. I am the one who has made me feel hungry, and for some reason that's easier to deal with than feeling crap because of something that has happened in the past that was totally out of my control.

I'm scared of how I will deal with the depression if and when this eating thing is gone. There are people who want to help me, people who are trying to help me and I cant even help myself by having something to eat instead of making myself go hungry. When I am faced with the possibilty of not being able to do or acheieve something, that gives me more motivation to actually get on and do it. Its been with everything from school work, to silly games. But this time, I am the one who thinks I can't do it, other people seem to think I can but I just cannot picture or imagine myself free from this in the future. I have all these hopes and dreams, and I want to do them, I know that if I don't dedicate myself completely to getting better I wont be able to acheive all my aims, hopes and dreams.

Its hard because all the little things I have picked up and used to not eat are the things I also need to do to recover, but positively instead of negatively. Distracting yourself is a fine example. When you havent eaten you do something to distract you from how hungry you are feeling. But also when you have just eaten something you have to distract yourself from the thoughts that are creeping in and wait for them to give up their fight. I wish somehow I could have a total attitude change, I'm hoping that maybe the CBT will do something like this.

There are some positive parts in me, and slowly they are beginging to build up, I can feel myself getting stronger but it is a really really slow process. A week of positive thinking can be taking away and broken by an hour of negative thinking, and once all that postive thinking has gone and the negatives are starting to eat away at something that isn't even there is when you hit the downward spiral, as I have done a few times the last week or so.

I have thought myself a little sort of 'mantra', sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. It's simple and easy to remember and I'm trying my hardest to apply it to my thinking and actions.

'Bit by Bit, Day by Day'

There have been many days where I have been thinking about how I have failed again one way or another, and sometimes the positive side of me calls out 'There is always tomorrow'. I have been trying to follow that religiously the last few days, and it has been something that has got me through, counting down the hours to another day where I can simply start over. Although this hasn't worked the last few days, I keep thinking there are only so many 'off day's' I can have, and I start to feel guilty and stupid for letting myself down so many days in a row.

I want to get better so badly, I want to break free from this, I want to have time in the day that isn't completely full of this whole eating thing. I want to break out of the traps that depression and eating have enclosed me in, its going to be so hard but I am hoping and praying that somehow, somewhere I can do it, because hopefully once I'm there, there will be no going back again.

I keep trying to work out what this is all about, control? Yes sometimes, I am making the decision not to eat although part of me knows I am not in control as much as I like to think I am, otherwise surely I would be able to just snap out of this? I am making the deicision to not eat, but as the spiral downwards gets longer I have started to realise I am not in control at all.

I think part of this is punishment for myself, I don't feel worthy enough to allow myself to have the enjoyment of food, instead it has got to be something I fear, something bad for me. I am weak for not being able to cope with all the things that have been thrown at me, but because I am causing myself this pain its like turning around and saying I am strong because I can do this to myself and so far I am living with it. This is something I have come to know, get used to and at times even like. I recognise the feeling, and I am trying to persuade myself by doing this I am strong.

I know that what I need to be able to say is 'I am strong because I can walk away from this, I can deal with things without this'. But its so hard to do that, and right now, I'm not ready for it.

Each time I kind of slip, or in the evening when I look back across the day and realise what has been done, that I failed to win against the voice, I try to dig deep down and bring out those positive thoughts, and remembering there are rare times where I do feel strong, perhaps even powerful enough to get through this and some how overcome it. Sometimes this is enough to 'forgive' myself for a bad day, sometimes its not and the guilt or shame can lie with me for days.

I hate the way all the issue's that need sorting or coming to terms with are always always endless circles. I need to break them, I know that, but its still frustrating having to do that in the first place.

xxx