Hey,
This is an update to basically talk about how I have been doing the last few days, well since my last post anyway. This is going to be about my eating and my feelings I am going to do another post updating about something there has been some progress with.

After doing some research on Thursday night and doing those posts it made me feel like there really was something good there waiting for me. A light at the end of the tunnel, it might be a long tunnel and it might only be a tiny tiny speck of light but the significance of it being there is something to take into account.

On Friday night I ended up babysitting for my cousin, it was what I needed, a whole evening to myself, somewhere different the television, my own space. I stuck the T.V on and grabbed a cuppa, settled down on the sofa and just started thinking, normally when I start to think its a downward spiral which I just can't seem to get myself out of no matter what.

It felt strange to be thinking really positively, really suddenly I felt this huge rush of... I don't know I cannot explain it. After a while I noticed I was crying, I couldn't think why, of course I started to think of what sort of negative/bad things would make me cry, and even though there has been so much going on there was nothing negative. I was crying from relief, I couldn't believe it. I felt like something had just budged. I was just totally shook up from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but in a good way.

I saw my counsellor on Friday, she said this week that I worked really hard on that day, she could she how difficult it was for me to talk about different things but she could see that I knew I needed to so I pushed myself. We talked about new things, well things we had touched upon many times before but we just talked about it differently, in a different light. It was one of few sessions where I actually walked out with a smile on my face feeling immediately like I had got somewhere.

I still feel like I am stuck, but I'm starting to lift my body out of the quicksand and am begining another struggle and instead of this time going through it, I am coming out of it.

I understand there will be times where I will fall back and this positive outlook on things will totally disappear. But for now this is where its at and this is where I hope it will stay.

I had one of my first tests on Sunday, and rather than the feeling disappearing I felt like it was snatched from me. I came home from my dad's and my mum started nagging as soon as I came in the door. She wound me up, she was making stupid comments and just making me feel angry. She was talking loads of crap about shit I just didn't need to hear but she just kept shoving it at me making me listen. I got that angry that I ended up just going in my room and staying there, without talking to or acknowledging her at all. I cannot explain how angry I was with her. How dare she take my hapiness away from me?

I also had another test yesturday, which I am still in the process of dealing with, coming to terms with and understanding completely. I managed to change my appointment with my counsellor from thursay to today so got to talk to her today which was good and really helped. I was going to do the post about it all tonight but after writing this one I am feeling tired so have decided to do it tomorrow now.

xxx