I'm only human.

Hey,
Since coming to the end of my exams I have been feeling great, alot more settled which is good, its nice. Feels a bit weird but I'm getting used to it, and enjoying it whilst I can.

Last Friday when I had my little 'moment' when I felt so relieved about everything, I realised that I needed to get more tablets pretty soon because I'm going on holiday and I don't have enough to get me through.

A few nights ago, I sat down and had a serious think about these tablets and what they are doing for me, I was honest with myself and realised that they aren't actually doing much, yeh ok, when I am feeling anxious they calm me down a bit and keep my grounded but that isn't worth the effects they are having on me.

I haven't had many side effects from the tablets apart from having a dry mouth from constantly feeling thirsty, no matter how much I drink. I mean the last month or so I have been drinking about 3-4 litres of water a day. Which is more than I used to but I am still getting a really dry mouth and waking up in the night feeling really dehydrated, dry mouth, dry throat, headache and dizzy. I never used to get this thristy before taking the tablets.

I have also found that whenever I get up, like get out of bed in the morning, or get up from sitting down, I always feel really dizzy, I kind of have to sit back down and sort myself out before trying to get back up again. It's quite scary and there have been times when I have got out of bed in the middle of the night or in the morning and fallen over or had to grab the wall to stop myself from falling over.The room starts spinning almost like I am drunk, when obviously I'm not.

Another thing I have found is that they are playing havoc with my memory, I always used to be able to remember all the little details about things throughout my day, now I sit down and I can't remember a thing, its all blurred in my memory and it scares me that I cannot remember details from my own day, a day I have actually lived. Its crazy.

The main thing it is doing is making me feel ridiculously drowsy, along with the blurred memory I feel like I myself am blurred, I've totally slowed down, I can't focus well at all. You know when people get angry and their eyes kind of glaze over? Well thats how I feel, glazed over, behind a foggy windscreen, and I hate it.

Sooooo, I've made the decision to come off of my medication. It's doing more harm than good, and I'm feeling alot more relaxed and happy at the moment. I've got an exciting few weeks ahead of me and I don't want to be fazed and blurred for all of that.

I popped into the doctors yesturday to make an appointment but my doctor goes on holiday today, I explained to the receptionist that I'm on tablets that I no longer want to be on but I wanted to talk to the doctor before doing anything. The receptionist kindly put a message through to my doctor to give me a ring, which she did. We talked about how I was feeling, and that I felt the tablets were doing more harm than good. She said it sounds like a good idea to come off them.

She has told me to cut down to one dose a night for a week, and then cut down to one dose every other day for a week then come off them completely, I may feel a few withdrawal symptoms but I should find that I am ok. SO I am going to be off of my tablets before my holiday which is good! I didn't want the hassle of having to take them abroad so I'm feeling really relieved all ready.

She mentioned I may find it really difficult to sleep because my body with me confused, I might be fidgety during the night and not get much sleep, she said I may get headaches also.

I cut down to one lastnight and I don't know whether it was my subconscious or what it was but I just couldn't get to sleep, maybe it was from feeling so good, I have no idea.I also have a bit of a headache today but I can live with it.

I am excited about the fact of being free from them, I understand that I may drop again, especially after all the excitement of things dies down and when I come back from my holiday, so I am prepared for that. The doctor said on the phone to go back and see her soon, so I am going to make an appointment when I get back from my holiday and see how I am feeling then.

xxx

Hey,
I was going to do this after my last post but for some reason I just haven't done it, kind of been busy what with having my last exam and everything. But this post is going to be an update about my back.

On Monday I went to the chiropractor, I was really nervous and I wanted to go but I also didn't because I was scared off what they were going to do.

So I got in there and I had to fill in a 'new client' form. Just all my details and stuff, I had to shade in this diagram of where the pain was and stuff. At the bottom it had a list of conditions and problems with a load of tick boxes, one of the was depression but I couldn't tick it because mum was there and obviously I didn't want her to know. I felt bad and I realised that the chiropractor must have to know for a reason otherwise it wouldn't be on here, but I just left it. It also said about medication which I couldn't write either because of the whole mum thing.

I got in the room, and we sat down for about 45 minutes just talking about all the things I have done to my mself over the years, I didn't realise how much I had injured myself in the past. When mum was having me my shoulder got stuck and there was complications, when I was younger I was hanging upside down from monkey bars and fell straight on my head, I damaged my neck. When I crashed my car (long story) I concussed myself and had whip lash. I concussed myself when I went surfing once and of course there was the trampoling incident a litte while back. Apparently all these injuries could cause the problems I am having.

She decided that I should have x-rays, which I did, all fourteen of them. After doing them she took them off and she said that they take about 30 minutes to come out properly so I wont be able to see them until next time, but if there was something she wanted us (me and mum) to see she would bring them back straight away. She went off to get them developed or whatever they do to them, and then came back.

She had brought one of the x-rays back with her, I was like what the hell? I though maybe she brought another one in to show me what they are trying to prevent or something, but then I saw that there were hair grips on the x-ray and I remember that I had left mine in. It was an x-ray of my neck and it looked a right state, and thats coming from someone who doesn't even know what its supposed to look like! She told me that my neck is curving the wrong way, and that the top and bottom vertebrate were supposed to be lined up but they weren't at all. She told me that this was quite serious and that there was a lot of work to do.

So I have a reversed curve in my beck which is causing a curve half way down my spine. She also said that I have an 'abnormal' arhc in my lower back which is putting pressure on my hips, which explains why they are twisting and aching. She weighed me and I am 8 pounds heavier on my right side than my left side.

After explaining a few things that she had found out from that one x-ray and said that in the next appointment she will lay all the x-rays down, and talk through every little detail so that we understand completely what is going on with me.

She told me that I am going to need about 25 hours of work, and if that doesn't work I may have to go to London to have an artificial vertebrate put in the top of my neck. I am so scared about this, she has told me that she cant promise anything but she is feeling positive.

That was all on monday and I was feeling crap, she did a little work on me so I was feeling light headed, lethargic and I was aching lots, BUT *thinking positive* its all for the best.

On tuesday I was still feeling kind of, well, really crap, so I went into school, I was planning on going in but I knew if I stayed at home, I would just pitter patter around thinking about my back and just run myself into the ground. I got the chance to see my counsellor, I had originally booked an appointment for thursday but managed to change it to tuesday, so I was able to vent it all out in there and talk it through. I told her about not being able to tell the chiropractor about the depression and the medication, and she thought she should know about it.

The chiropractor is about a 5 minute walk from school, so I decided instead of thinking about it for days and getting myself wound up about it to just go over do it and get it over with. I walked over with a mate, kind of for moral support I guess. When I went in I was so lucky because a friend of mine was working at the reception, I told her to make sure she didn't tell mum she had seen me and explained that I couldn't tell the chirpractor things because mum was there and was wondering whether I could have a quick chat. Within about 5 minutes I was in talking to the chiropractor.

I told her about the depression, the medication and asked her to not tell mum, she was kind of shocked at the medication I was and was asking questions about it, and was also really shocked about mum not knowing anything about it, bu she still promised not to tell her. When I was done with telling her about that she asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell her, and I remember that she had asked about any sudden weight loss or gain,so I told her about my problem with eating. She was really understanding and really nice about it, she said that I had put her in a difficult position but she was going to keep quiet about it. She also told me that she is going to need to ask my questions about that so mum will have to be out of the room, I was worried because I know mum will ask what was asked but she explained that sometimes she has to assess me on my own in the room anyway so she can save any questions until then. I'm just hoping and praying she doesn't let it slip or anything

My next appointment is Wednesday, she wanted to see me as soon as possible and thats the only appointment we could do, its in the morning so I've got the rest of the day to 'recover', because it does make you feel like crap afterwards, but she told me that it was normal so its ok.

I am feeling a bit better about it, after talking it through with my counsellor I haven't really thought about it until now, but I've just got to be thankful that the problem was found now, because its like anything the earlier its found the better it is and at least now it can start to get sorted.

xxx