Hey,
Well I know the last few posts were quite brief but for some reason I just couldn't get into it and right like I normally do. I guess it was because it was a more structured and was more a case of getting stuff updated rather than it being kind of 'theraputic' or whatever. I just didn't have the energy or enthusiasm to do it properly, which is becoming a regular occurence these days with lots of things.
Well today I went to the Chiropractor and to my second Cognitive Behavioural Therapy appointment.
So first of all, the chiropractor. On saturday I popped home to my mums to help her lift a matress from one room to another, as I was leaving she asked me if I was eating, I told her of course I am don't be so stupid. She just replied with don't snap at me it's just Kylie asked me if you'd lost weight because she had been wondering.
So I left mum's on saturday fuming, I was on my bike and I was just screaming and shouting all the way down the road. I could not control my anger at all I was just shaking and so wound up.
I knew that I had chiropractor today so I decided I would ask her (Kylie- Chiropractor) about it during the session. Part of me wanted to say it straight away and just be like what were you playing at? How could you talk to my mum about me after everything I have trusted you with?'. But I realised that wouldn't work out well at all, so after the intital how have I been's and stuff I said to her that mum keeps talking about my weight ( I said 'keeps' because she asked me about it again lastnight.) I told her what my mum had said about her and she was just as angry as I was. She was horrified that my mum had said Kylie was asking about me. I explained to her that I trusted her with so much and I would be really upset if I found out it was true. She told me that they had talked about me but that nothing was said like my mum suggested.
Mum had told Kylie that I had been looking thinner than usual, and went on to defend herself- talking about meals and god knows what else. Kylie did not ask my mum any questions whatsoever, it was actually my mum that asked Kylie if I had lost weight, and Kylie answered she did not know because we hadn't talked about it.
I was so relieved, I had been feeling worked up ever since Saturday and again this morning. I was worried that I had confided and been so honest with her and she had betrayed my trust by talking to my mum. But as I now know that is not the case.
Kylie swore and promised to me that she would never ever go against my privacy and confidentiality rights. She told me that she wouldn't want to do that to me because she understands and can empathise with my difficulty in trusting and confiding in people, and also she added that it would actually be against the law for her to discuss my details with anyone- including my mum.
So I was very happy and no longer angry, although Kylie was with my mum. She kept saying how dare she, how could she. Kylie said something to me that was spot on- Mum has recognised her (Kylie) as a new weapon of which she is willing to use against me. I couldn't believe it when she said that because it was like, aahh (sigh of relief) someone finally understands and sees where I am coming from.
I have started to go swimming a few times a week, after working my back and hips become really tense and tight, and swimming just helps to give them a bit of a workout and loosen them up which really helps. I also feel good from doing the exercise.
On the way back from swimming lastnight, the road was really wet, I had to take it easy because I knew that braking hard on a wet road could cause my motorbike to slide out from underneath me. But unfortunately taking it easy wasnt enough. I was riding along the road and a huge land rover sort of thing was coming right at me, there was hardly any room on the road and I panicked and applied my front brakes straight away.
Big.Mistake.
The bike slid right out from underneath me, luckily after the jeep had gone past and not before because I would have been right in its path. The bike and I both ended up on the road. I was a bit shaky at first and I sat up and realised that I had fallen off my bike, I thought ow that hurt, then got up and checked my bike over, which was fine. I was fine apart from hurting my hand, knee and my back a bit. I got straight back on the bike because I knew if I didn't I would be to scared by it. I rode home and then started to calm down a bit.
I told Kylie about it this morning and she said that the accident will slow down the treatment a bit but shouldn't cause to much trouble. She did a few different adjustments than normal because of the accident and I felt a bit dozzy after, but after about an hour of being home I was feeling ok, which is a good job to because I had to ride back into town to go to my CBT appointment.
Today was a lot more intense than the first appointment, which I guess was to be expected because in the first one we only skimmed the surface. This time we started a little kind of 'programme'. She suggested some things we could do and I choose to do this one where we went through negative thoughts. I was supposed to work on some homework, where I had to identify negative thoughts throughout the two weeks since our first appointment but I reallu struggled with it.
She had a piece of blank A4 paper and told me to think of one thing I am negative about, the thing I am most negative about if possible. I chose myself. So we went through how I feel about myself. It took a while to work out what sort of thing we were talking about but it was things that I feel, think or am. So I had to say I feel___, I think___ or I am___.
The things that came out when I thought about myself as a person were I am weak, I cannot cope, I am selfish, I feel guilty, I don't have control.
The I am selfish and the I feel guilty ones made us go off on one which she said doesn't matter because she thought what we did talk about was important. I spent alot of this session talking about Matt.
Lastnight I had a dream about him. She asked me if it was a good dream or a nightmare, and it sounds ridiculous but it took me ages to work it out. I dreamt that I was back working with him, in the kitchen laughing and joking. Then, I woke up. So I guess it was a really good dream but when I woke up for some reason I thought that I was working tonight and that he would be here. Then my head woke up alongside my already awake body and I realised that I was being incredibly stupid and that I shouldn't have been so silly to let myself think that. Obviously I couldn't help it because I was only half awake but still, it was a hell of a shock to go from thinking he was alive and then suddenly realising that he is dead, and never coming back.
We talked lots about it not being my fault as such, although I still feel guilty and selfish. She told me that in time it will get easier and that those feelings will work out.
We tried to work out where things turned and I started using food as some sort of crutch. It hadn't been all that bad, nothing had until Matt died. That's where everything kind of, broke, cracked and burst everywhere. I started to feel more and more down and after a while it got to much and thats when the emotions really took there toll and the eating problems rose to the surface.
Whilst I was in there we would be talking about one thing that could be at the root of my eating problems, and I would think of another thing that drives me towards my eating problems. I didn't want to say anything because I always thought of those things when I was supposed to be thinking about or answering a totally different question and I would have felt a bit stupid going completely of topic. So what I think I am going to try and do is maybe a mind map with all the things I think have caused, driven or affected my eating problems. I think it would help quite a bit to just take it in and show her.
We talked about how much I am actually eating and she said that I do need to eat in order to keep my energy levels up, especially now I am working and she said that in order to get through all the appointments and such I would need to have as much physical and emotional strength as I can get, which means having a healthy diet.
She pointed out something that I had kind of thought about before but not in this particular way. Matt was a chef, he prepared food for people to enjoy, not as a way of punishing themselves. She talked about what the doctor had said at the appointment before, about eating 3 meals a day. I told her that isnt really happening and I dont really have 'meals' if I eat something its only something small during the day.
After thinking about not eating, and Matt I thought about what he would say, he would go mad. I told the woman this and she said in that case once a day I should eat something, even if its only small for him, for Matt, and actually enjoy it. She said it could be a 'Matt Snack'.
She then said something that really made something budge inside me, he might not be here in 'real life',but he is here in my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, my memories and my heart, and he can help me through this, his connection with food is something I think I can make positive. He would want to help me through this if he was here, I know it.
We closed by having this little one thing a day for Matt plan to work on before my next appointment next week.
We didn't finish the whole negative thoughts thing, but she like I said earlier she said this was more important, and we are going to try and work some more on it next week.
So all in all an exhausting day but looking at the positives. My back feels alot less tense, apart from being sore from the accident and the aching from the chiropractor earlier. I am feeling alot more relieved and relaxed about the trust thing and Kylie. Although I am feeling angry with mum for using Kylie against me like that I have been assured there is no way that Kylie will ever talk about me to my mum. I don't feel like any progress was made in the CBT appointment but I know that it was just the bit of water between the stepping stone I guess.
Well, thats a bit more like my style isnt it?
xxxx
