Hey,
Havent updated in a while, kinda been busy I suppose, just felt the need to update tonight for some reason. Don't know what this will be about, how long it will be or where it will go but something's telling me to write it.
Today has been one of those days where I just feel lost in it all, I'm not even sure what 'it all' is but I know I sure as hell don't like it. It's been a struggle, it's been tiring and I just don't know why.
I have definitely slipped deeper into my old eating habits, whereas a few weeks ago I was attempting to do little things towards recovery and trying to hold a positive mindset I am now just battling to even think positive let alone say and do it.
What with Tuesday being a year since Matt died, and Wednesday being a year since I was told, for some reason I was eating so much more than normal, Up until today really I have been forcing myself to eat. I've thought once its eaten its eaten there is nothing I can do about it, but today I just didn't eat anything, my stomach was growling but I was determined not to eat anything. I skipped breakfast, and skipped lunch, I had nothing but water and chewing gum all day, when I got home from school no one was in, the temptation to just eat and eat and eat was almost unbearable but I didn't eat, I had a few grapes and some cups of tea. My mum got home and made me a salad with a jacket potato, I ate it but didn't feel satisfied at all, I felt disgusted, I didn't even like the taste of the food but I ate it. I'm wishing now I hadn't, that somehow I had avoided it.
I don't know where this has all come from but part of it is from feeling guilty and disgusting for eating so much on tuesday and wednesday. I made a decision to not eat today, and to start avoiding food again, and it's absolutely horrible because today I feel like I acheived something by not eating, by avoiding food, by sitting with my friends in the canteen and watching them eat and being able to resist food.
I don't know what this eating thing is all about anymore, whether it's the way I look, the way I feel or having control, I feel like it's totally out of my hands and its only been today where I have seen this, whether it will change tomorrow I don't know, but something inside me doesnt want to eat tomorrow, or the next day or the next.
I'm going to therapy, but why? What for? Deep down I don't want to get any better, I am so scared of loosing what I've got I just cant let go, I know perhaps that the therapy may change this, but surely the fact I don't want to change it, the fact that I want to be like this is screwed up. Its frusrating and annoying, I've been here before and I'll probably be here again but it's just confusing and I don't know what to do.
The sensible side of me thinks yeh, eat as much as you can, think positive about the therapy, want to get better, but then the other side thinks avoid food as much as you can, try and stay this way through therapy and once thats finished go back to doing what I want and stay this way for as long as I can.
I keep thinking well if the therapy hasn't started working yet, hasn't started me wanting to get better why not just see how far I can push myself whilst I'm waiting to get better? Why waste time between now and getting better when I could be loosing weight?
I started college a week today and I absolutely love it. I have taken Double Health and Social Care, Psychology and English Lit/Lang. I enjoy every single subject and find them really interesting, I can't wait to really get stuck in and down to the nitty gritty where it all gets a bit more challenging.
The only bad thing about being back at college is that fact that there it is easy to avoid lunch, I relate being at college and having that routine with my eating, and the negativity of it. I can't in anyway give up college and in no way what so ever do I want to, it's just....weird. Also now the fact that I make my own way to school means I wake up about 25 minutes later than my brother, so breakfast has been cooked and eaten for him before I'm even up, so now it's even easier to avoid breakfast. Thinking about that just makes me wonder how I can start to avoid dinner, and in turn get total control of my food but I know as long as I am in mum's house that will probably never happen.
I keep thinking about when I am at uni, how I will be able to control whatever I do or dont eat, how much exercise I do and all the things I can't do now in order to loose more weight.
I don't know whether the anniversary of Matt's death has brought this up again, I mean it has always been there but it has been pushed aside and I have been trying to kid myself that I want to get better and that I feel good when I eat which to be honest is utter rubbish , I don't want to get better and I feel horrible when I eat.
It's turned into an internal battle again, between my two minds and I think thats why I am feeling so tired and exhausted at the moment, I don't know what to do. I can't understand it, part of me wants to confide in someone, 'get help' but what is the point because 1. I've no one to really confide in apart from Ms B and I've already told her practically everything so I can't go in there and tell her everything all over again, and 2. Why get help? I don't want to get better? That's the confusing bit, I don't know whether its my mind telling me the right thing to do, trying to push it's message through all the other crap layered on top of it or what it is.
Usually my eating can be relatively 'good' (in the sense of eating somewhere near a normal amount) and my mind feels totally screwed up, or my eating is bad but my mind feels fine (its not screwed up about the whole eating thing). This time around by head is buzzing with everything about my eating and my eating is bad aswell. It has never ever been both thing at once which is scary.
I really, really don't know what to do.
xxx
