tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2009-11-21:/MokoFeed2009-11-21T01:41:45+01:00tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2008-02-01:/2008/02/02/oh_my_goodness~3666852/ebonyrose6662008-02-02T00:09:15+01:002008-02-02T00:09:15+01:00 <p>Hey,<br> Wowee it has been absolutely forever. What on earth am I doing back here? Why do I feel the need? I have absolutely no idea, but tonight something just drew me back! I feel really weird writing this. I'm actually smiling trying to work it out. I must have come back here fo a reason, the last few days this website address has constantly been popping into my head, so I guessed that was a sign.</p> <p>SO MUCH has happened and there is absolutely not a hope in hell that I can recap it all. I think if I am going to do this again, (I'm still a bit undecided) it will be just for me. The posts will be public, but I will not be doing them for other people, I will be doing them for myself. I will hopefully also be approaching them differently, and perhaps not doing them so often, before I think they kind of actually made things worse in some ways, so I think I am going to try and have a different focus.</p> <p>That's really short, and I have no idea whether more posts will follow, but something urged me to do this so I did, at least I wont be wondering whether I should have done it.<br> xxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2008/02/02/oh_my_goodness~3666852/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-09-16:/2007/09/16/a_photograph_tells_a_story~2989867/ebonyrose6662007-09-16T19:08:18+02:002007-09-16T19:08:18+02:00 <p class="center"><em><u><strong>A photograph tells a story</strong></u></em></p> <p class="center"><em>A photograph tells a story,<br> A story of many things,<br> A tale from the past,<br> The hurt or hapiness it can bring,</em></p> <p class="center"><em>A photograph tells a story,<br> Future dreams from the heart,<br> Aims and ambitions,<br> Where you want your life to start,</em></p> <p class="center"><em>A photograph tells a story,<br> Expresses emotions held so deep,<br> Can prompt smiles upon faces,<br> Can even cause one to weep,</em></p> <p class="center"><em>A photograph tells a story,<br> Allows someone to reflect,<br> Upon thoughts that they are thinking,<br> Decide between joy, guilt or regret,</em></p> <p class="center"><em>A photograph tells a story,<br> Just like an old friend,<br> Bringing back old memories,<br> And classic remember whens,</em></p> <p class="center"><em>A photograph tells a story,<br> A million words in one,<br> When a photograph is taken,<br> It's tale has just begun,</em></p> <p class="center"><em>A photograph tells a story,<br> An image it can hide behind,<br> One true meaning held within,<br> Only known by the artists mind,</em></p> <p class="center"><strong><em>A photograph tells a story,<br> A secret it refuses to show,<br> The more that people see,<br> The less they really know.</em></strong></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/09/16/a_photograph_tells_a_story~2989867/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-09-13:/2007/09/13/just_need_to_write~2975255/ebonyrose6662007-09-13T19:48:50+02:002007-09-13T19:48:50+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> Havent updated in a while, kinda been busy I suppose, just felt the need to update tonight for some reason. Don't know what this will be about, how long it will be or where it will go but something's telling me to write it.</p> <p>Today has been one of those days where I just feel lost in it all, I'm not even sure what 'it all' is but I know I sure as hell don't like it. It's been a struggle, it's been tiring and I just don't know why.</p> <p>I have definitely slipped deeper into my old eating habits, whereas a few weeks ago I was attempting to do little things towards recovery and trying to hold a positive mindset I am now just battling to even think positive let alone say and do it.</p> <p>What with Tuesday being a year since Matt died, and Wednesday being a year since I was told, for some reason I was eating so much more than normal, Up until today really I have been forcing myself to eat. I've thought once its eaten its eaten there is nothing I can do about it, but today I just didn't eat anything, my stomach was growling but I was determined not to eat anything. I skipped breakfast, and skipped lunch, I had nothing but water and chewing gum all day, when I got home from school no one was in, the temptation to just eat and eat and eat was almost unbearable but I didn't eat, I had a few grapes and some cups of tea. My mum got home and made me a salad with a jacket potato, I ate it but didn't feel satisfied at all, I felt disgusted, I didn't even like the taste of the food but I ate it. I'm wishing now I hadn't, that somehow I had avoided it. </p> <p>I don't know where this has all come from but part of it is from feeling guilty and disgusting for eating so much on tuesday and wednesday. I made a decision to not eat today, and to start avoiding food again, and it's absolutely horrible because today I feel like I acheived something by not eating, by avoiding food, by sitting with my friends in the canteen and watching them eat and being able to resist food. </p> <p>I don't know what this eating thing is all about anymore, whether it's the way I look, the way I feel or having control, I feel like it's totally out of my hands and its only been today where I have seen this, whether it will change tomorrow I don't know, but something inside me doesnt want to eat tomorrow, or the next day or the next. </p> <p>I'm going to therapy, but why? What for? Deep down I don't want to get any better, I am so scared of loosing what I've got I just cant let go, I know perhaps that the therapy may change this, but surely the fact I don't want to change it, the fact that I want to be like this is screwed up. Its frusrating and annoying, I've been here before and I'll probably be here again but it's just confusing and I don't know what to do.</p> <p>The sensible side of me thinks yeh, eat as much as you can, think positive about the therapy, want to get better, but then the other side thinks avoid food as much as you can, try and stay this way through therapy and once thats finished go back to doing what I want and stay this way for as long as I can.</p> <p>I keep thinking well if the therapy hasn't started working yet, hasn't started me wanting to get better why not just see how far I can push myself whilst I'm waiting to get better? Why waste time between now and getting better when I could be loosing weight?</p> <p>I started college a week today and I absolutely love it. I have taken Double Health and Social Care, Psychology and English Lit/Lang. I enjoy every single subject and find them really interesting, I can't wait to really get stuck in and down to the nitty gritty where it all gets a bit more challenging. </p> <p>The only bad thing about being back at college is that fact that there it is easy to avoid lunch, I relate being at college and having that routine with my eating, and the negativity of it. I can't in anyway give up college and in no way what so ever do I want to, it's just....weird. Also now the fact that I make my own way to school means I wake up about 25 minutes later than my brother, so breakfast has been cooked and eaten for him before I'm even up, so now it's even easier to avoid breakfast. Thinking about that just makes me wonder how I can start to avoid dinner, and in turn get total control of my food but I know as long as I am in mum's house that will probably never happen.</p> <p>I keep thinking about when I am at uni, how I will be able to control whatever I do or dont eat, how much exercise I do and all the things I can't do now in order to loose more weight.</p> <p>I don't know whether the anniversary of Matt's death has brought this up again, I mean it has always been there but it has been pushed aside and I have been trying to kid myself that I want to get better and that I feel good when I eat which to be honest is utter rubbish , I don't want to get better and I feel horrible when I eat.</p> <p>It's turned into an internal battle again, between my two minds and I think thats why I am feeling so tired and exhausted at the moment, I don't know what to do. I can't understand it, part of me wants to confide in someone, 'get help' but what is the point because 1. I've no one to really confide in apart from Ms B and I've already told her practically everything so I can't go in there and tell her everything all over again, and 2. Why get help? I don't want to get better? That's the confusing bit, I don't know whether its my mind telling me the right thing to do, trying to push it's message through all the other crap layered on top of it or what it is.</p> <p>Usually my eating can be relatively 'good' (in the sense of eating somewhere near a normal amount) and my mind feels totally screwed up, or my eating is bad but my mind feels fine (its not screwed up about the whole eating thing). This time around by head is buzzing with everything about my eating and my eating is bad aswell. It has never ever been both thing at once which is scary.</p> <p>I really, really don't know what to do.</p> <p>xxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/09/13/just_need_to_write~2975255/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-09-11:/2007/09/11/11_09~2963236/ebonyrose6662007-09-11T17:47:10+02:002007-09-11T17:47:10+02:00 <p class="center">Time heals,<br> Thats what they say,<br> Well I'm still waiting,<br> After days,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">My lungs tighten,<br> My breathe shortens,<br> My shoulders tense,<br> My face tautens,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">Fighting the tears,<br> Holding back the pain,<br> I dont want to relive it,<br> Again and again,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">Thoughts take over,<br> A mess in my head,<br> My postive thoughts,<br> Are cruelly misled,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">I just cant take it,<br> Without you here,<br> I can believe I made it,<br> Through this past year,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">My empty dreams,<br> My terrible nightmares,<br> Your blue eyes haunt me,<br> Your bleach blonde hair,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">A picture in my mind,<br> As clear as blue skies,<br> Your jokes, your laughter,<br> Your boredom sighs,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">You made me laugh,<br> Made me cry to,<br> But no matter what,<br> I'll always love you,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">A friend you were,<br> A friend you'll be,<br> For in my heart,<br> You're still with me,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">When I feel down,<br> When times are rough,<br> I think of you,<br> A fighter, be tough,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">I want you back,<br> I need you here,<br> To talk to, to laugh with,<br> To just be near,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">The more I think,<br> The more I write,<br> The more my throat,<br> Starts to feel tight,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p class="center">Amoungst my broken thoughts,<br> The pain is still so raw,<br> I end everyday,<br> Hoping you'll walk through the door,</p> <p class="center">I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.<br> I miss you Matt,<br> I really do,<br> I miss you Matt,<br> I miss you.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/09/11/11_09~2963236/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-08-14:/2007/08/14/a_bit_more_like_my_normal_posts~2808167/ebonyrose6662007-08-14T18:47:10+02:002007-08-14T18:47:10+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> Well I know the last few posts were quite brief but for some reason I just couldn't get into it and right like I normally do. I guess it was because it was a more structured and was more a case of getting stuff updated rather than it being kind of 'theraputic' or whatever. I just didn't have the energy or enthusiasm to do it properly, which is becoming a regular occurence these days with lots of things.</p> <p>Well today I went to the Chiropractor and to my second Cognitive Behavioural Therapy appointment.</p> <p>So first of all, the chiropractor. On saturday I popped home to my mums to help her lift a matress from one room to another, as I was leaving she asked me if I was eating, I told her of course I am don't be so stupid. She just replied with don't snap at me it's just Kylie asked me if you'd lost weight because she had been wondering.</p> <p>So I left mum's on saturday fuming, I was on my bike and I was just screaming and shouting all the way down the road. I could not control my anger at all I was just shaking and so wound up. </p> <p>I knew that I had chiropractor today so I decided I would ask her (Kylie- Chiropractor) about it during the session. Part of me wanted to say it straight away and just be like what were you playing at? How could you talk to my mum about me after everything I have trusted you with?'. But I realised that wouldn't work out well at all, so after the intital how have I been's and stuff I said to her that mum keeps talking about my weight ( I said 'keeps' because she asked me about it again lastnight.) I told her what my mum had said about her and she was just as angry as I was. She was horrified that my mum had said Kylie was asking about me. I explained to her that I trusted her with so much and I would be really upset if I found out it was true. She told me that they had talked about me but that nothing was said like my mum suggested. </p> <p>Mum had told Kylie that I had been looking thinner than usual, and went on to defend herself- talking about meals and god knows what else. Kylie did not ask my mum any questions whatsoever, it was actually my mum that asked Kylie if I had lost weight, and Kylie answered she did not know because we hadn't talked about it.</p> <p>I was so relieved, I had been feeling worked up ever since Saturday and again this morning. I was worried that I had confided and been so honest with her and she had betrayed my trust by talking to my mum. But as I now know that is not the case.</p> <p>Kylie swore and promised to me that she would never ever go against my privacy and confidentiality rights. She told me that she wouldn't want to do that to me because she understands and can empathise with my difficulty in trusting and confiding in people, and also she added that it would actually be against the law for her to discuss my details with anyone- including my mum.</p> <p>So I was very happy and no longer angry, although Kylie was with my mum. She kept saying how dare she, how could she. Kylie said something to me that was spot on- Mum has recognised her (Kylie) as a new weapon of which she is willing to use against me. I couldn't believe it when she said that because it was like, aahh (sigh of relief) someone <strong>finally</strong> understands and sees where I am coming from.</p> <p>I have started to go swimming a few times a week, after working my back and hips become really tense and tight, and swimming just helps to give them a bit of a workout and loosen them up which really helps. I also feel good from doing the exercise.</p> <p>On the way back from swimming lastnight, the road was really wet, I had to take it easy because I knew that braking hard on a wet road could cause my motorbike to slide out from underneath me. But unfortunately taking it easy wasnt enough. I was riding along the road and a huge land rover sort of thing was coming right at me, there was hardly any room on the road and I panicked and applied my front brakes straight away. </p> <p>Big.Mistake.</p> <p>The bike slid right out from underneath me, luckily after the jeep had gone past and not before because I would have been right in its path. The bike and I both ended up on the road. I was a bit shaky at first and I sat up and realised that I had fallen off my bike, I thought ow that hurt, then got up and checked my bike over, which was fine. I was fine apart from hurting my hand, knee and my back a bit. I got straight back on the bike because I knew if I didn't I would be to scared by it. I rode home and then started to calm down a bit.</p> <p>I told Kylie about it this morning and she said that the accident will slow down the treatment a bit but shouldn't cause to much trouble. She did a few different adjustments than normal because of the accident and I felt a bit dozzy after, but after about an hour of being home I was feeling ok, which is a good job to because I had to ride back into town to go to my CBT appointment.</p> <p>Today was a lot more intense than the first appointment, which I guess was to be expected because in the first one we only skimmed the surface. This time we started a little kind of 'programme'. She suggested some things we could do and I choose to do this one where we went through negative thoughts. I was supposed to work on some homework, where I had to identify negative thoughts throughout the two weeks since our first appointment but I reallu struggled with it. </p> <p>She had a piece of blank A4 paper and told me to think of one thing I am negative about, the thing I am most negative about if possible. I chose myself. So we went through how I feel about myself. It took a while to work out what sort of thing we were talking about but it was things that I feel, think or am. So I had to say I feel___, I think___ or I am___.</p> <p>The things that came out when I thought about myself as a person were I am weak, I cannot cope, I am selfish, I feel guilty, I don't have control. </p> <p>The I am selfish and the I feel guilty ones made us go off on one which she said doesn't matter because she thought what we did talk about was important. I spent alot of this session talking about Matt.</p> <p>Lastnight I had a dream about him. She asked me if it was a good dream or a nightmare, and it sounds ridiculous but it took me ages to work it out. I dreamt that I was back working with him, in the kitchen laughing and joking. Then, I woke up. So I guess it was a really good dream but when I woke up for some reason I thought that I was working tonight and that he would be here. Then my head woke up alongside my already awake body and I realised that I was being incredibly stupid and that I shouldn't have been so silly to let myself think that. Obviously I couldn't help it because I was only half awake but still, it was a hell of a shock to go from thinking he was alive and then suddenly realising that he is dead, and never coming back.</p> <p>We talked lots about it not being my fault as such, although I still feel guilty and selfish. She told me that in time it will get easier and that those feelings will work out.</p> <p>We tried to work out where things turned and I started using food as some sort of crutch. It hadn't been all that bad, nothing had until Matt died. That's where everything kind of, broke, cracked and burst everywhere. I started to feel more and more down and after a while it got to much and thats when the emotions really took there toll and the eating problems rose to the surface.</p> <p>Whilst I was in there we would be talking about one thing that could be at the root of my eating problems, and I would think of another thing that drives me towards my eating problems. I didn't want to say anything because I always thought of those things when I was supposed to be thinking about or answering a totally different question and I would have felt a bit stupid going completely of topic. So what I think I am going to try and do is maybe a mind map with all the things I think have caused, driven or affected my eating problems. I think it would help quite a bit to just take it in and show her.</p> <p>We talked about how much I am actually eating and she said that I do need to eat in order to keep my energy levels up, especially now I am working and she said that in order to get through all the appointments and such I would need to have as much physical and emotional strength as I can get, which means having a healthy diet.</p> <p>She pointed out something that I had kind of thought about before but not in this particular way. Matt was a chef, he prepared food for people to enjoy, not as a way of punishing themselves. She talked about what the doctor had said at the appointment before, about eating 3 meals a day. I told her that isnt really happening and I dont really have 'meals' if I eat something its only something small during the day. </p> <p>After thinking about not eating, and Matt I thought about what he would say, he would go mad. I told the woman this and she said in that case once a day I should eat something, even if its only small for him, for Matt, and actually enjoy it. She said it could be a 'Matt Snack'.</p> <p>She then said something that really made something budge inside me, he might not be here in 'real life',but he is here in my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, my memories and my heart, and he can help me through this, his connection with food is something I think I can make positive. He would want to help me through this if he was here, I know it. </p> <p>We closed by having this little one thing a day for Matt plan to work on before my next appointment next week. </p> <p>We didn't finish the whole negative thoughts thing, but she like I said earlier she said this was more important, and we are going to try and work some more on it next week.</p> <p>So all in all an exhausting day but looking at the positives. My back feels alot less tense, apart from being sore from the accident and the aching from the chiropractor earlier. I am feeling alot more relieved and relaxed about the trust thing and Kylie. Although I am feeling angry with mum for using Kylie against me like that I have been assured there is no way that Kylie will ever talk about me to my mum. I don't feel like any progress was made in the CBT appointment but I know that it was just the bit of water between the stepping stone I guess.</p> <p>Well, thats a bit more like my style isnt it?</p> <p>xxxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/08/14/a_bit_more_like_my_normal_posts~2808167/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-08-12:/2007/08/12/summer_so_far_at_my_dads~2797702/ebonyrose6662007-08-12T21:12:09+02:002007-08-12T21:12:09+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> So, whilst I was on holiday in the middle of an arguement with my mum she mouthed off and said<br> "I think it would be a good idea for you to piss off down your dads for a few days in the summer".</p> <p>I think she said it to annoy me and wind me up, not thinking I would actually do it, but I am about to start my third week down here, so I have already been down here two weeks.</p> <p>It is really good for me down here, I'm not constantly being dumped with all mums ridiculous gossip, petty arguements and basic crap I don't want to know. I can be calmer and a bit less stressed, so in a mental kind of sense it is good for me.</p> <p>However when it comes to my eating (which I am going to hopefully do a different post about) it isn't good for me at all, I can get away with not eating down here because the whole routine of things is different. At mums she makes food and kind of sticks it down in front of me and I have to eat it. At dad's if you want something you ask for it, if not you don't get anything so I just don't bother to ask, so I can kind of get away with it. </p> <p>I am hoping to stay down here for most of the rest of the summer holidays because I just want to, I don't know why, I just don't want to go home, I know it would be a good idea to just move down here but its a bit more complicated than that.</p> <p>xxxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/08/12/summer_so_far_at_my_dads~2797702/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-08-12:/2007/08/12/my_holiday~2797699/ebonyrose6662007-08-12T21:11:53+02:002007-08-12T21:11:53+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> So I went on holiday! Two weeks in Morocco, the things we did were amazing but unfortunately spending two weeks with mum just wasnt good. </p> <p>We did all sorts, a 4x4 trip in off road jeeps, a quad bike ride through the sand dunes, shopping in a midnight market, a sunset catamaran trip, lots more shopping and lots of other things!! But what really sucked is even though we were doing all this amazing stuff I just couldn't get enthusiastic or even happy about it.</p> <p>I felt so down throughout the two weeks, the fact that I was continuously argueing with mum didn't help and I was in the middle of god damn Morocco for gods sake and I felt down, it felt so crazy and that point made me feel even worse.</p> <p>I got back and I still can't say ooo I had the most fantastic amazing time ever, all the time Iw as over there I just kept thinking about coming home and having my own time and space away from mum. </p> <p>We got there on the friday and on the monday I dropped my camera which sent me onto an instant downer, and all the little things that happened along the way added to that. I had a bit of sickness whilst I was there, I got a migraine and I was stupid enough to go and get myself sun stroke so it was all kind of downhill from that monday.</p> <p>The things we did were amazing, the company however (excluding my brother bless him) was nothing but negativity and a pain in the butt!</p> <p>But yeh that was the holiday, I wish I could sit here and write a super long post about all the exciting things we did and have lots of details but I just don't have the enthusiasm or motivation..which sucks.</p> <p>xxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/08/12/my_holiday~2797699/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-08-12:/2007/08/12/i_got_myself_a_job~2797696/ebonyrose6662007-08-12T21:11:34+02:002007-08-12T21:11:34+02:00 <p>ey,<br> Well as you can see from the title 'I got a job!!'.</p> <p>Since giving up my waitressing job in may to concentrate on my exams and get out of the horrible environment that had built up down there I haven't been working at all. I did the odd bit of babysitting here and there but nothing part time or full time. </p> <p>I went on holiday and planned on finding a summer job when I returned, I kind of got back and didn't really want to get back into work, I had a really bad two or three weeks where I was constantly down, exhausted and had no motivation at all so working was the last thing on my mind.</p> <p>I had decided that I didn't want to return to waitressing because I had basically had enough of it, and also my back wouldn't hack being on my feet for long periods of time. I was drawn to the idea of shop work, and made a few applications but never heard anything back.</p> <p>Just over a week ago I got a phonecall from a family friend who owns a factory that makes car parts the other side of town. He lives about a mile and a half away from each of my homes (mums and dads). He asked me if I would like to do some work for him and told me that he would pay me more than the pub did so I took up the job.</p> <p>It involves putting chalk onto some windscreen gaskets, cutting silicon and doing other odd jobs, it is very very very boring and very very very repetitive, but it is 8.30-5.30 weekdays except tuesday (which I have off for things like chiropractor, and now the CBT and for other things like shopping and bank trips etc). I can pick and choose whichever days I have off and I am not commited to working certain days, if I want a day off I get it.</p> <p>Because my boss lives so close he picks me up every morning and drops me off afterwards, which is ideal because I don't have to get up early or pay for petrol to ride my bike to work. </p> <p>I've did one day on my first week and I did 4 days last week, it is really tiring and I find it does make my back feel tight and worn out quite a bit but it's only until the begining of september when I go back to college. It pays well, I know my hours, I'm not mucked around and called in at the last minute, I get an all but guaranteed wage every week. My boss is a family friend so there are no problems there, I get picked up, dropped off. Even though it bores me shitless it's perfect!</p> <p>So I am no longer a bum!</p> <p>xxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/08/12/i_got_myself_a_job~2797696/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-08-12:/2007/08/12/cbt_cognitive_behavioural_therapy~2797689/ebonyrose6662007-08-12T21:11:09+02:002007-08-12T21:11:09+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> Ok so the first installment, instead of doing a whole post, which most certainly would be very very very long I am going to try and seperate each one into a certain kind of subject/issue or whatever. This first one- The Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.</p> <p>So when I went to the doctors back along she put through a referal to the counsellor for some CBT for me. I finally got the phone call through a few weeks ago and I had the first appointment two weeks ago.</p> <p>I was so nervous and in such a state all morning because the appointment wasn't until 2.30 in the afternoon. But I went in on my bike and managed to keep myself busy until the time came. </p> <p>First of all she went through the confidentiality thing and told me that if I told her I was going to hurt myself or anyone else in anyway whatsoever, for example self harm or suicide she would have to tell my doctor immediately. </p> <p>Next she went through a load of questions, she told me that I could read them through and tick them myself or she would read them out and I would answer. They were questions that gave her some idea of my 'emotional state' lots of questions about how I had been feeling and how often, like 'Have you felt feelings of guilt or shame?' all within the last two weeks, and the answers would be like yes, no, and then less than 25% of the time, between 25% and 50%, between 50% and 75% or between 75% and 100%. </p> <p>After that we started talking about what I would like to get out of the therapy and what I would like to talk about or attempt to improve,help or solve. I said that my eating is the main thing but after thinking about it more I realised that perhaps it wasn't. Later on during the appointment I decided that it would be better to tackle perhaps the anxiety side of things and the depression side of things because I believe these are the things at the root of my eating problems, and can relate back to them.</p> <p>We continued to talk just about all sorts of things, I talked quite a bit about mum and we realised that was something I needed to talk about and work out a bit more and we talked about negative feelings, patterns of thoughts, worrying and over thinking things. </p> <p>She did more talking than me but she said as we have more appointments the talking will be more from me and less from her apart from the last ten minutes or so where she will reflect on the appointment and discuss possible options or tasks to work on between the appointments.</p> <p>Most CBT sessions and therapist are very structured and routine but she said that with her they are not, although we will start off with an intial 'how are we feeling', recap any 'homework tasks' and then we can continue something we discussed last time or start on something new. Basically there will be no set program and it's up to me what we do or don't talk about, which I thought was pretty good.</p> <p>She asked quite a few questions about my weight which made me feel a bit touchy but I realised that she needed to ask those questions in order to help me.</p> <p>My next appointment is this Tuesday so about two days away, I'm a little nervous again but nowhere near as bad as I was first time. I guess as time goes on I will get more comfortable with it. I know it sounds really judgemental or whatever but the lady is young and she seem's kind of 'with it' so I was able to open up to her, which is what I was totally scared of, not liking her and it being a total waste of time but it turned out to be ok in the end.</p> <p>So yeh, roll on tuesday I guess.</p> <p>xxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/08/12/cbt_cognitive_behavioural_therapy~2797689/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-08-12:/2007/08/12/an_intro_to_the_next_few_posts~2797684/ebonyrose6662007-08-12T21:10:41+02:002007-08-12T21:10:41+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> Well it has been AGES since I last posted properly. So much has been going on and I guess I've either been to busy or to exhausted to write. But I'm here now and hoping to do a few posts to just update a bit about the sorts of things that are going on and how different things have gone.</p> <p>Some of them are kind of random but it's just filling in a few gaps and getting everything down and saved on here.</p> <p>So I'm back and hope to be posting as often as I was before.</p> <p>xxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/08/12/an_intro_to_the_next_few_posts~2797684/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-07-24:/2007/07/24/letter_to_the_head~2695053/ebonyrose6662007-07-24T20:23:45+02:002007-07-24T20:23:45+02:00 <p>Dear Dr T,<br> I am writing to you to express my opinions and to thank you for the excellent forms of support the school has given me.</p> <p>Throughout my five years at W School I have always noticed the high level of support that is within the school, through teachers and other staff. During my last two years at W School I struggled with a number of things, of which without the help I received from the school I cannot imagine getting through, more so within the last year than any other.</p> <p>The pastoral support system is fantastic and has been a huge help to me. Ms B has been incredibly kind and has helped me overcome many things, and she still continues to do so even though I am on summer break, she says that she is always there and she means it. She is very approachable and always deals with things in a way that is understandable and not at all patronising. She is honest and someone who I have been able to trust which has been really important for me.</p> <p>I have spent time talking to the school counsellor and have also found she has been a superb help to me, her professionalism supported me through some difficult areas and the level of confidentiality that she promised was always held. She allowed flexibility in areas such as appointments, which during the last few weeks of school was extremely beneficial due to revision. Like Ms B she was available during study leave and she took the time to work out appointments, of which I am very grateful for.</p> <p>Another fantastic help was Mr W, who during exams was brilliant. He guided me through revision which I was struggling with, and never gave up on me even though at times I felt like doing so myself. Again he was always available to talk to, and always had time in his day to either simply have a chat or sort something out. His knowledge about teaching and learning is so helpful and I believe that without his help I would have approached my GCSE’s in a negative mindset and would have struggled a large amount with revision and exams.</p> <p>I just wanted to write to you to let you know that this help and support that the school has given me has not in anyway gone unappreciated and I cannot express how thankful I am for everything that has been done in order to help me. The high level and support of the school is the main reason I am returning to the sixth form in September because I find it hard to believe it is possible to find people like those mentioned above at any other school or college.</p> <p>So, Thank-You for having such an incredible group of people who are able to create such an amazing support system of which I am truly grateful for.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/07/24/letter_to_the_head~2695053/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-07-24:/2007/07/24/a_much_needed_update~2694987/ebonyrose6662007-07-24T20:13:33+02:002007-07-24T20:14:19+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> Well I'm back from my holiday!! I got back on friday and I haven't stopped since I've been flapping around doing one thing or another.The annoying thing is its lots of little things as well, so I end up feeling like I haven’t actually done that much, but still feel absolutely knackered for it!</p> <p>I dont know where to start, I feel like there is quite a bit to say!</p> <p>Well first of all, today I got a phonecall from the doctor, it was the counsellor there, she told me that she is ready to take appointments, so my first one is next tuesday afternoon. I’m nervous but I guess I’m also kind of interested, I want to know what’s going to happen, its going to be a new approach to things and I guess I’m ‘eager’ (Maybe that’s a bit exaggerated but I can’t think of any other word) to try something new in the hope that it will help a bit. It’s at 2.30 and I’m going to go in on my bike, mum is going to be working then I think which is a bummer but I will just have to try really hard to avoid her, she’s going to be the other end of town so I can park my bike out the back of bex’s shop and walk over the doctors the back way and hope for the best, god knows what I will do if she finds out!!</p> <p>I need to get a job, I gave up my other one and now I need a new one!I dropped my CV into the photography shop today so I’m just waiting now to see whether I will get an interview or anything. If I don’t hear from them in the next week or so I am going to apply for the costcutter one, not brilliant but it’s a job which means money. I asked at the local cinema whether they will be needing anyone, but they said not until September so I will go back then. It will be ideal if I get the photography shop job, because its 8.30-5 hours so I can still earn money by babysitting in the evenings. Although if I do get the job it will only be weekdays up until September because I cant do those hours if I am at school. They are looking for someone permanent for Saturdays so maybe I could do those hours. Oh well its just a case of the waiting game now I suppose!</p> <p>Like I said, I’ve been really busy for some weird reason. Just sorting little things out and catching up on stuff, running errands. I went chiropractor on Monday then had to go right out of town to get my brother his birthday present because I just didn’t get the chance between getting back from the holiday and his birthday, he didn’t mind it being late though as long as he got it!!I wanted to see my counsellor and book and appointment with her but I didn’t have time to catch her on Monday, and she wasn’t in today and she isn’t in tomorrow either so I wouldn’t have been able to get an appointment anyway. They break up tomorrow so she wont be in again until next term. </p> <p>I went into school today, had a little chat with Ms B, nothing much just an update I guess, talked a little about the eating but just more about random things, was nice to see her again. I really really wish I had chance to speak to my counsellor though, I feel like there is a lot I need to vent out, I’m just hoping that I can do it through my blog.</p> <p>The holiday screwed my head up, which really pisses me off, I don’t know what it was that did it, I thought maybe having to much time to think about things, but I didn’t think about anything hardly at all whilst I was out there yet I still felt like total shit. I was getting angry because I was in Morocco but because I felt so crap I couldn’t get into it, I had no enthusiam what so ever and I still can’t be enthusiastic about it now when I talk about it.</p> <p>I enjoyed the holiday, well I keep telling myself that anyway. The part I enjoyed was going off and doing things, the actual things, like quad biking, and shopping and stuff. But the thing I hated and the thing that totally ruined it was mum, all three of us argued the whole time, if it wasn’t me and mum it was mum winding me and Richard up and playing us off against each other so we argued. It was such hard work, and I reckon that’s why I am so tired. </p> <p>I am so pissed off that I am feeling low again, I keep trying to remember how I felt when I felt really good after my last exam, but I’ve forgotten already and anything I can remember just doesn’t feel like it was real. </p> <p>My eating is totally up the friggin creak again. I just cant bring myself to eat, if I can miss a meal time I do. I’m eating odd bits here and there but I’m not hungry and when I am for some reason I just don’t let myself. It’s so confusing, hopefully the whole CBT thing will sort it, not immediately I know but just seeing it clearly or understanding it will help I reckon.</p> <p>Since I have left school I have been planning to write a letter to the head teacher of my school. I did it this evening and I reckon its pretty good, I’m going to post it on here. I have put his copy in an envelope and I am going to drop it in personally tomorrow, I have also done two copies extra, one for Ms B to see and one for Mr W to see because I mentioned them both in the letter and I want them to see it just in case the head doesn’t show it to them himself. </p> <p>I have to be at the dentist tomorrow morning for 8.00 =[ Great. I am going to get back and then go into school, drop the letters off and make a complaint about the driver that drives the school bus I used to go on, the one my brother is still on. He drives like a maniac, I always thought it when I was a passenger and on my way down to my dads I met him on the road whilst I was on my bike and it confirmed that he is a bloody idiot. He scared me so much I thought he was going to hit me and the annoying thing is he drives like it all the time. He was driving far to fast for the country roads and he was driving on my side of the road even though he had plenty on his side. I managed to stop completely as he went past me but I ended up having to park my bike part way up the hedge, (a move most bikers know, if the time comes to 'hedge it'. If I hadn't parked it he would have hit me, he passed me going so fast and was only about 2 feet away, if that. My brother was on the bus and saw along with a few other of the school kids so I have some witnesses. My brother bless him was so wound up when I got home, he was so angry at the bus driver!! Oh well I hope he gets whats coming to him!!</p> <p>I don't know what else to say right now so I guess thats it.</p> <p>xxx</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/07/24/a_much_needed_update~2694987/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-07-02:/2007/07/02/a_post_to_a_forum~2561325/ebonyrose6662007-07-02T20:53:56+02:002007-07-02T20:53:56+02:00 <p class="center">Hey,<br> Well know I havent updated in a little while, but plan on doing so in the next few days, before I go on holiday anyway. But for now this is a post I put on a forum, for some reason I just wanted to put it here.</p> <p><em>Hey,<br> Well I feel stupid and embarrassed. Only a short while ago I was on here saying how positive and good I was doing.</p> <p>Now I'm just back to the begining. The very begining. I keep trying to convince myself I haven't got an eating problem, but the fact that I am back to eating hardly anything, and if I can nothing tells me that there is still something wrong.</p> <p>God I feel so argh, stupid and frustrated, where did all that positivity go? I have been so incredibly busy the last week or so I haven't had chance to stop and think about how my head and my thoughts feel about this, so it seems like somehow, I have gone back to the very begining with the amounts I am eating, but my head is not in the place it was before.</p> <p>Last time round I was so in depth with the thoughts, I couldn't stop thinking about it, running through it and trying to work it out, I haven't done that this time and its what makes it so confusing. I have no idea what it is that has made me go back to where I am.</p> <p>I'm not eating, I don't know why, god it annoys me so much. I know what I have got to do, I know I can do it because I've done it before, so why the hell cant I just get on and do it?</p> <p>I know that its going to take alot to get back where I was before, and I also know that chances are nothing anyone will say will help, so I don't really know what I am trying to acheive by posting this, I guess I just need to get it out.</p> <p>Sorry. xxx</em></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/07/02/a_post_to_a_forum~2561325/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-23:/2007/06/23/leavers_book_installment~2505733/ebonyrose6662007-06-23T16:06:42+02:002007-06-23T16:06:42+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> Yes another snippet from my leavers book, again it is from a teacher, well kind of, she doesn't actually teach a subject, she is a pastoral support partner, and the last month or so she has been amazing, no actually more than amazing, she stuck by me, listened to me for hours on end and most of all never gave up on me, even when I did myself.</p> <p>"What can I say? Doesn't time fly? I'm not sure of your plans for the future- but whatever they are I know you will succeed.</p> <p>Never stop believing in yourself, you can acheive whatever you dream. I believe in you!</p> <p>You're a wonderful young lady, with a strong mind and a huge heart.</p> <p>Good luck in all you do. Work hard, have fun and always always believe in yourself.</p> <p>May there always be work for your hands to do,<br> May your purse always hold a coin or two,<br> May the sun always shine on your windowpane,<br> May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain,<br> May the hand of a friend always be near you,<br> May the memory of school always cheer you." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/23/leavers_book_installment~2505733/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-23:/2007/06/23/leavers_book_installment~2505731/ebonyrose6662007-06-23T16:06:20+02:002007-06-23T16:06:20+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> Another snippet from my leavers book, this was written by a teacher whom I am very close to, she has helped me through so much, she was the one I went to when I thought I couldn't go on any longer, she helped me out of that time and stayed beside me and helped me do what I needed to do, which was open up to my counsellor. </p> <p>I love her so much, and I am so glad that she will be teaching me next year, she only teaches A1 and A2, so I've had to wait until college to actually be in her classes. This is the teacher that I entered for the best teacher award on my local radio. She didn't get it but she is still the best teacher I have ever come across!</p> <p>What she wrote in my leavers book really really touched my heart and its something I will always always keep in my mind.</p> <p>"Well what can I say? I have been teaching for nearly 19 years and I've met so many young people. Some always remain special and you are one of those!</p> <p>You have many special qualities. I would need the whole book to write them all. Remember life is special, as are you! Believe in youself, always remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Equally remember there are so many of us that care so much about you and would always be willing to stay in that tunnel with you and hold the torch!</p> <p>You are special, I care and remember I am always here for you."</p> <p>It's the whole tunnel bit that got to me, she knows so much about me and knew exactly what to say.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/23/leavers_book_installment~2505731/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-23:/2007/06/23/leavers_book_installment~2505727/ebonyrose6662007-06-23T16:05:46+02:002007-06-23T16:05:46+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> I have wanted to put this in my blog for a while now. It's something that was written in my leavers book back in may when it was my last few days of compulsory school. Now that my exams are over it seems like a good time to finally get it on here.</p> <p>It was written by one of my best friends, its something she found on the internet, some of it is copied and some of it she wrote herself, I love it, whenever I find myself a bit lost with things I look back at it and something always gets to me and sorts me out. So here it is:</p> <p>"Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself to others,<br> It is because we are different that each of us is special,<br> Don't set goals by what other people deem important,<br> Only you know what is best for you,</p> <p>Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart,<br> Cling to them as you would your life for without them, life is meaningless,<br> Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future,<br> By living your life one day at a time you live all the days of your life,</p> <p>Don't give up when you still have something to give,<br> Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying,<br> Don't be afraid to admit thayt you are less than perfect,<br> It is this fragile thread that binds us to eachother,</p> <p>Don't be afraid to encounter risks,<br> It is by taking chances we learn to be brave,<br> Don't shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find,<br> The quickest way to recieve love is to give love,<br> The fastest way to lose love is to hold on to tightly,<br> And the best way to keep love is to give it wings,</p> <p>Don't dimiss your dreams to be without dreams is to be without hope,<br> To be without hope is to be without purpose.<br> Don't run through life so fast, that you forget not only where you've been,<br> But also where you're going.</p> <p>Life is not a race, a race for acceptance,<br> But a journey to be savoured each step of the way." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/23/leavers_book_installment~2505727/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-23:/2007/06/23/it_gets_me_everytime~2505722/ebonyrose6662007-06-23T16:04:47+02:002007-06-23T16:04:47+02:00 <p>(Wrote this lastnight)</p> <p>Hey,<br> Ok the title, Racing Stripes, awesome film, I'm just watching the end of it now, it gets me every single time. It's such a feel good film! I love it so much, its great to watch when you feel like maybe you can't do something, and you get the total you can do anything motivation vibe from it. I just watched it for the hell of it, no matter how good I am feeling it makes me feel even better eveyr time. I get the heeby jeebies when he's winning the race at the end. God so sad but such a fantastic film!</p> <p>OK well after doing those other two posts that are kind of specifically about something this one will probably seem really random, but there are lots of little bits I kind of want to talk about so their all going in this one together.</p> <p>God, I feel great, really fantastic which is so so nice for a change. I think its because of the relief of exams just being lifted. I didn't realise quite how much pressure I was getting from the exams and for how long, I feel that months and months of build up have finally been released. I haven't been able to get excited about all the great things that are happening soon, and after doing my last exam yesturday (Oh yes!) I feel so much lighter and free from everything. </p> <p>On monday and tuesday I was feeling pretty down, well actually I felt like shit, but I seem to have gone full circle within about three days, gone from feeling really low, and feeling back down again, to 3 days later feeling absolutely amazing. There is something about it this time that feels different, normally it takes so much effort to stay in a good mood, it feels like I have to work really hard to be light hearted, funny, smiling...happy. But this time, oh my god I cannot explain it, it feels natural, normal. It's coming so easily, I haven't got to work hard, although saying that there have been moments where for a few minutes where I have had to kick myself and kind of say 'Dont think that', and when I start to feel like that I just keep myself busy to literally block those feelings out.</p> <p>I can't believe I was scared of feeling this way, yes as screwed up as it sounds I really was. I had forgotten what it felt like, I didn't know whether I would like it, whether I would still be the same person, all I have known for the past few years are my lows, the doom and gloom of everything, and now again the total high's where I manage to kid myself for just a few days that I was happy. Now I actually feel happy. I am in no way getting my hopes up like I have SO many times before but I am going to make this last as long as I can.</p> <p>I am finally able to get excited about things, I saw my exam yesturday (thursday) as the last hurdle, the time where I can finally let myself go and start thinking about the future and all the awesome things that lie ahead of me these next few weeks. I have been putting it off for weeks and weeks and weeks, and now suddenly it's all hit my smack in the face all at once, the excitement of some pretty cool things. I am overwelmed by it.</p> <p>The next few weeks are unbelievably busy for me, I've got a party tomorrow night, which I am kind of excited about because its like the first party the first milestone after my exams. In 3 days I turn 16! I'm not as excited about it as I thought I would be but I'm still excited which is wicked. On thursday I go to do my CBT (Compulosory Basic Training) for my motorbike so I can get on the road with my bike. Then Friday I have my 16th Birthday party which I am sooooo looking forward to because so many people are coming. I'm having it in the pub where I used to work so I wont have to worry about anything getting broken or puke being everywhere! I've got live entertainment that I've organised and its just going to be so exciting. Surrounded by all of myfriends, that party really will mark the begining of a long awesome super packed summer. Oh my god I cant wait!! Then a week after my party I set off to Morocco for 2 weeks.</p> <p>I'm a little scared about coming back from my holiday and hitting a low because it's going to be a total anti-climax all the excitement will be gone, but I'm determined to keep thinking positive, I am going to plan and organise some things ready for when I get back to keep me busy, and if I do feel down, well I'll deal with it if and when the time comes.</p> <p>I've managed to get lots done this week, I think its part of feeling so happy which has given me a kick up the butt and the motivation to get it all done. It felt like forever since I wrote a to do list, and the other night I was in bed and my head was spinning, this to do, that to do, I couldn't get off to sleep! So I wrote it all down, a nice big A4 list, and on wednesday I managed to get most of it done. Its was all sorts, from editing photo's, buying an SD card, researching about holiday, researching information about my dog, sorting my phone out, look at bike tax, look at bike insurance, book my CBT, there was loads and it felt so great to get it all done. There are a few things to still do but its all under control.</p> <p>I feel like life if somehow changed these past few weeks, damn they have been bloody hard but somewhere somehow something clicked and now it feels awesome and I'm reaping it for all I can. I understand that this could all change so quickly and I guess I'm actually waiting for a downer which I shouldn't, see I'm thinking negative so I'm going to close this off now and go and find something to do!</p> <p>xxxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/23/it_gets_me_everytime~2505722/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-22:/2007/06/22/decision_about_my_meds~2500045/ebonyrose6662007-06-22T15:03:47+02:002007-06-22T15:03:47+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> Since coming to the end of my exams I have been feeling great, alot more settled which is good, its nice. Feels a bit weird but I'm getting used to it, and enjoying it whilst I can.</p> <p>Last Friday when I had my little 'moment' when I felt so relieved about everything, I realised that I needed to get more tablets pretty soon because I'm going on holiday and I don't have enough to get me through.</p> <p>A few nights ago, I sat down and had a serious think about these tablets and what they are doing for me, I was honest with myself and realised that they aren't actually doing much, yeh ok, when I am feeling anxious they calm me down a bit and keep my grounded but that isn't worth the effects they are having on me.</p> <p>I haven't had many side effects from the tablets apart from having a dry mouth from constantly feeling thirsty, no matter how much I drink. I mean the last month or so I have been drinking about 3-4 litres of water a day. Which is more than I used to but I am still getting a really dry mouth and waking up in the night feeling really dehydrated, dry mouth, dry throat, headache and dizzy. I never used to get this thristy before taking the tablets.</p> <p>I have also found that whenever I get up, like get out of bed in the morning, or get up from sitting down, I always feel really dizzy, I kind of have to sit back down and sort myself out before trying to get back up again. It's quite scary and there have been times when I have got out of bed in the middle of the night or in the morning and fallen over or had to grab the wall to stop myself from falling over.The room starts spinning almost like I am drunk, when obviously I'm not.</p> <p>Another thing I have found is that they are playing havoc with my memory, I always used to be able to remember all the little details about things throughout my day, now I sit down and I can't remember a thing, its all blurred in my memory and it scares me that I cannot remember details from my own day, a day I have actually lived. Its crazy.</p> <p>The main thing it is doing is making me feel ridiculously drowsy, along with the blurred memory I feel like I myself am blurred, I've totally slowed down, I can't focus well at all. You know when people get angry and their eyes kind of glaze over? Well thats how I feel, glazed over, behind a foggy windscreen, and I hate it.</p> <p>Sooooo, I've made the decision to come off of my medication. It's doing more harm than good, and I'm feeling alot more relaxed and happy at the moment. I've got an exciting few weeks ahead of me and I don't want to be fazed and blurred for all of that. </p> <p>I popped into the doctors yesturday to make an appointment but my doctor goes on holiday today, I explained to the receptionist that I'm on tablets that I no longer want to be on but I wanted to talk to the doctor before doing anything. The receptionist kindly put a message through to my doctor to give me a ring, which she did. We talked about how I was feeling, and that I felt the tablets were doing more harm than good. She said it sounds like a good idea to come off them.</p> <p>She has told me to cut down to one dose a night for a week, and then cut down to one dose every other day for a week then come off them completely, I may feel a few withdrawal symptoms but I should find that I am ok. SO I am going to be off of my tablets before my holiday which is good! I didn't want the hassle of having to take them abroad so I'm feeling really relieved all ready.</p> <p>She mentioned I may find it really difficult to sleep because my body with me confused, I might be fidgety during the night and not get much sleep, she said I may get headaches also.</p> <p>I cut down to one lastnight and I don't know whether it was my subconscious or what it was but I just couldn't get to sleep, maybe it was from feeling so good, I have no idea.I also have a bit of a headache today but I can live with it.</p> <p>I am excited about the fact of being free from them, I understand that I may drop again, especially after all the excitement of things dies down and when I come back from my holiday, so I am prepared for that. The doctor said on the phone to go back and see her soon, so I am going to make an appointment when I get back from my holiday and see how I am feeling then.</p> <p>xxx</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/22/decision_about_my_meds~2500045/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-22:/2007/06/22/my_back~2500042/ebonyrose6662007-06-22T15:03:17+02:002007-06-22T15:03:17+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> I was going to do this after my last post but for some reason I just haven't done it, kind of been busy what with having my last exam and everything. But this post is going to be an update about my back.</p> <p>On Monday I went to the chiropractor, I was really nervous and I wanted to go but I also didn't because I was scared off what they were going to do.</p> <p>So I got in there and I had to fill in a 'new client' form. Just all my details and stuff, I had to shade in this diagram of where the pain was and stuff. At the bottom it had a list of conditions and problems with a load of tick boxes, one of the was depression but I couldn't tick it because mum was there and obviously I didn't want her to know. I felt bad and I realised that the chiropractor must have to know for a reason otherwise it wouldn't be on here, but I just left it. It also said about medication which I couldn't write either because of the whole mum thing.</p> <p>I got in the room, and we sat down for about 45 minutes just talking about all the things I have done to my mself over the years, I didn't realise how much I had injured myself in the past. When mum was having me my shoulder got stuck and there was complications, when I was younger I was hanging upside down from monkey bars and fell straight on my head, I damaged my neck. When I crashed my car (long story) I concussed myself and had whip lash. I concussed myself when I went surfing once and of course there was the trampoling incident a litte while back. Apparently all these injuries could cause the problems I am having.</p> <p>She decided that I should have x-rays, which I did, all fourteen of them. After doing them she took them off and she said that they take about 30 minutes to come out properly so I wont be able to see them until next time, but if there was something she wanted us (me and mum) to see she would bring them back straight away. She went off to get them developed or whatever they do to them, and then came back.</p> <p>She had brought one of the x-rays back with her, I was like what the hell? I though maybe she brought another one in to show me what they are trying to prevent or something, but then I saw that there were hair grips on the x-ray and I remember that I had left mine in. It was an x-ray of my neck and it looked a right state, and thats coming from someone who doesn't even know what its supposed to look like! She told me that my neck is curving the wrong way, and that the top and bottom vertebrate were supposed to be lined up but they weren't at all. She told me that this was quite serious and that there was a lot of work to do.</p> <p>So I have a reversed curve in my beck which is causing a curve half way down my spine. She also said that I have an 'abnormal' arhc in my lower back which is putting pressure on my hips, which explains why they are twisting and aching. She weighed me and I am 8 pounds heavier on my right side than my left side.</p> <p>After explaining a few things that she had found out from that one x-ray and said that in the next appointment she will lay all the x-rays down, and talk through every little detail so that we understand completely what is going on with me. </p> <p>She told me that I am going to need about 25 hours of work, and if that doesn't work I may have to go to London to have an artificial vertebrate put in the top of my neck. I am so scared about this, she has told me that she cant promise anything but she is feeling positive. </p> <p>That was all on monday and I was feeling crap, she did a little work on me so I was feeling light headed, lethargic and I was aching lots, BUT *thinking positive* its all for the best. </p> <p>On tuesday I was still feeling kind of, well, really crap, so I went into school, I was planning on going in but I knew if I stayed at home, I would just pitter patter around thinking about my back and just run myself into the ground. I got the chance to see my counsellor, I had originally booked an appointment for thursday but managed to change it to tuesday, so I was able to vent it all out in there and talk it through. I told her about not being able to tell the chiropractor about the depression and the medication, and she thought she should know about it. </p> <p>The chiropractor is about a 5 minute walk from school, so I decided instead of thinking about it for days and getting myself wound up about it to just go over do it and get it over with. I walked over with a mate, kind of for moral support I guess. When I went in I was so lucky because a friend of mine was working at the reception, I told her to make sure she didn't tell mum she had seen me and explained that I couldn't tell the chirpractor things because mum was there and was wondering whether I could have a quick chat. Within about 5 minutes I was in talking to the chiropractor.</p> <p>I told her about the depression, the medication and asked her to not tell mum, she was kind of shocked at the medication I was and was asking questions about it, and was also really shocked about mum not knowing anything about it, bu she still promised not to tell her. When I was done with telling her about that she asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell her, and I remember that she had asked about any sudden weight loss or gain,so I told her about my problem with eating. She was really understanding and really nice about it, she said that I had put her in a difficult position but she was going to keep quiet about it. She also told me that she is going to need to ask my questions about that so mum will have to be out of the room, I was worried because I know mum will ask what was asked but she explained that sometimes she has to assess me on my own in the room anyway so she can save any questions until then. I'm just hoping and praying she doesn't let it slip or anything</p> <p>My next appointment is Wednesday, she wanted to see me as soon as possible and thats the only appointment we could do, its in the morning so I've got the rest of the day to 'recover', because it does make you feel like crap afterwards, but she told me that it was normal so its ok.</p> <p>I am feeling a bit better about it, after talking it through with my counsellor I haven't really thought about it until now, but I've just got to be thankful that the problem was found now, because its like anything the earlier its found the better it is and at least now it can start to get sorted.</p> <p>xxx</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/22/my_back~2500042/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-19:/2007/06/19/how_i_ve_been_doing~2483311/ebonyrose6662007-06-19T21:15:32+02:002007-06-19T21:15:32+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> This is an update to basically talk about how I have been doing the last few days, well since my last post anyway. This is going to be about my eating and my feelings I am going to do another post updating about something there has been some progress with.</p> <p>After doing some research on Thursday night and doing those posts it made me feel like there really was something good there waiting for me. A light at the end of the tunnel, it might be a long tunnel and it might only be a tiny tiny speck of light but the significance of it being there is something to take into account.</p> <p>On Friday night I ended up babysitting for my cousin, it was what I needed, a whole evening to myself, somewhere different the television, my own space. I stuck the T.V on and grabbed a cuppa, settled down on the sofa and just started thinking, normally when I start to think its a downward spiral which I just can't seem to get myself out of no matter what.</p> <p>It felt strange to be thinking really positively, really suddenly I felt this huge rush of... I don't know I cannot explain it. After a while I noticed I was crying, I couldn't think why, of course I started to think of what sort of negative/bad things would make me cry, and even though there has been so much going on there was nothing negative. I was crying from relief, I couldn't believe it. I felt like something had just budged. I was just totally shook up from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but in a good way.</p> <p>I saw my counsellor on Friday, she said this week that I worked really hard on that day, she could she how difficult it was for me to talk about different things but she could see that I knew I needed to so I pushed myself. We talked about new things, well things we had touched upon <strong>many</strong> times before but we just talked about it differently, in a different light. It was one of few sessions where I actually walked out with a smile on my face feeling immediately like I had got somewhere.</p> <p>I still feel like I am stuck, but I'm starting to lift my body out of the quicksand and am begining another struggle and instead of this time going through it, I am coming out of it.</p> <p>I understand there will be times where I will fall back and this positive outlook on things will totally disappear. But for now this is where its at and this is where I hope it will stay.</p> <p>I had one of my first tests on Sunday, and rather than the feeling disappearing I felt like it was snatched from me. I came home from my dad's and my mum started nagging as soon as I came in the door. She wound me up, she was making stupid comments and just making me feel angry. She was talking loads of crap about shit I just didn't need to hear but she just kept shoving it at me making me listen. I got that angry that I ended up just going in my room and staying there, without talking to or acknowledging her at all. I cannot explain how angry I was with her. <strong>How dare she take my hapiness away from me?</strong></p> <p>I also had another test yesturday, which I am still in the process of dealing with, coming to terms with and understanding completely. I managed to change my appointment with my counsellor from thursay to today so got to talk to her today which was good and really helped. I was going to do the post about it all tonight but after writing this one I am feeling tired so have decided to do it tomorrow now. </p> <p>xxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/19/how_i_ve_been_doing~2483311/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-14:/2007/06/14/happy_foods~2453842/ebonyrose6662007-06-14T20:01:41+02:002007-06-14T20:01:41+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> The person I spoke to today suggested I do some research on foods that contain serotonin so that when I do eat, I eat these types of food and can release some 'happy hormones'. So I have taken her advice and here is a list of 'happy' foods.</p> <p><em><u><strong>My Happy Foods List</strong></u></em></p> <p>-Bananas<br> -Walnuts<br> -Orange Juice<br> -Chocolate<br> -Strawberries<br> -Cherries<br> -Orange<br> -Mango<br> -Pineapple<br> -Hazelnuts<br> -Milk<br> -Chicken<br> -Kiwi<br> -Plum<br> -Tomato</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/14/happy_foods~2453842/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-14:/2007/06/14/a_distraction_list~2453750/ebonyrose6662007-06-14T19:49:51+02:002007-06-14T19:49:51+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> As I mentioned in the post I just did I am going to do some more posts mainly for myself but could also help others out there who are having the same or some simular problems as I am.</p> <p>After researching over the internet and looking on forums I have come up with a distraction list for myself.</p> <p><em><u><strong>My Distraction List</strong></u></em><br> 1.Read?<br> 2.Write?<br> 3.Play with dog?<br> 4.Walk dog?<br> 5.Wash dog?<br> 6.Groom dog?<br> 7.Experiment with make up?<br> 8.Experiment with new hair styles?<br> 9.Make a CD?<br> 10.Make a video?<br> 11.Take some photos?<br> 12.Name all photos?<br> 13.Post photo's on deviant art?<br> 14.Edit photos?<br> 15.Play on photoshop?<br> 16.Draw?<br> 17.Do cross stitch?<br> 18.Do a tapestry?<br> 19.Do latch-hook cushion?<br> 20.Make a bag?<br> 21.Make a cushion?<br> 22.Design a t-shirt?<br> 23.Make a t-shirt?<br> 24.Tidy room?<br> 25.Sort CDs into alphabetical order?<br> 26.Sort DVDs into alphabetical order?<br> 27.Dig out an old book?<br> 28.Make/ add to BOS?<br> 29.Make a collage of photos?<br> 30.Make a collage that represents you?<br> 31.Write a poem?<br> 32.Write in blog?<br> 33.Make a collage for a friend?<br> 34.Make a friendship bracelet for a friend?<br> 35.Text a friend?<br> 36.Phone a friend?<br> 37.Do some oragami?<br> 38.Write a letter?<br> 39.Start a new project?<br> 40.Do some schoolwork?<br> 41.Make a time capsule?<br> 42.Have a bath?<br> 43.Have a shower?<br> 44.Wash hair?<br> 45.Do a wordsearch?<br> 46.Do some sudoku?<br> 47.Do a crossword?<br> 48.Customize some clothes?<br> 49.Write a song?<br> 50.Read your horoscope?<br> 51.Record your day in photos?<br> 52.Play chess?<br> 53.Play a card game?<br> 54.Go for a walk?<br> 55.Go for a swim?<br> 56.Go for a run?<br> 57.Go to the beach?<br> 58.Go to some woods?<br> 59.Go for a bike ride?<br> 60.Watch a chick flick?<br> 61.Watch a disney film?<br> 62.Do a jigsaw puzzle?<br> 63.Read a magazine?<br> 64.Make some jewellery?<br> 65.Make a scrapbook?<br> 66.Add to scrap book?<br> 67.Write a life list?<br> 68.Add to a life list?<br> 69.Write a to do list?<br> 70.Do things from your to do list?<br> 71.Learn about body language?<br> 72.Look at peoples body language?<br> 73.Go for a ride on motorbike?<br> 74.Go visit a friend?<br> 75.Meet up for a drink with a friend?<br> 76.Take younger relatives for a walk to the park?<br> 77.Visit a relative?<br> 78.Go shopping? =]<br> 79.Buy birthday presents?<br> 80.Clean motorbike?<br> 81.Make a candle?<br> 82.Visit the library?<br> 83.Return books to the library?<br> 84.Watch the sunset?<br> 85.Get up early and watch the sunrise?<br> 86.Buy a mosaic kit?<br> 87.Use the mosaic kit?<br> 88.Research family history?<br> 89.Take up a type of martial art?<br> 90.Have a massage?<br> 91.Book a hair appointment?<br> 92.Go to a rock and roll dance class?<br> 93.Go to a line dancing class?<br> 94.Organise a night out?<br> 95.Organise a day out?<br> 96.Go to a theme park? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/14/a_distraction_list~2453750/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-14:/2007/06/14/finally_feeling_a_little_more_positive_a~2453447/ebonyrose6662007-06-14T19:07:01+02:002007-06-14T19:07:01+02:00 <p>Hey,</p> <p>After today I am feeling a bit more positive and I actually feel like I'm back on the road to recovery, its going to be lots of little steps but eventually they will get me somewhere. Its taken me about 3 weeks to get back in this frame of mind and I'm determined to keep it this way for as long as I can.</p> <p>Something good happened today, it was small but it was good and I think it was a positive step in the right direction. I managed to eat something for lunch, it was only a few small handfuls of muesli, crunchy cereal stuff but I ate some of it, and I felt okay about it. I wasn't feeling guilty or anything, although I didn't feel as good about the achievement as I thought I would but at least I did it.</p> <p>If the time ever comes where its hard to eat I know that if I really want to I can, because I did it today. Its a point which I can look back to and feel positive about.</p> <p>This whole mood/feeling came from talking to someone, I had spoken to her the week before I went to the doctors, she is someone who kind of has first hand knowledge about eating disorders because her best friend had one whilst they were in school. I hadn't really told her about the mental side of it all but today I did. She gave me lots of advice, and kind of helped me make a plan and have a little bit of structure, she gave me ideas and things to go off and do and try.</p> <p>One was to not spend so much time on the computer, she said it would be a good idea to only go on the computer to do something specific rather than just go on whatever I fancy. Have a purpose and an aim. Because although computers stimulate the brain they can sometimes be quite negative. </p> <p>So she suggested trying to do more exercise and perhaps picking up a few new hobbies. I have been using a great website lately <a href="http://www.recoveryourlife.com">www.recoveryourlife.com</a> and there are loads of ideas and things on there to help aid recovery. </p> <p>I am going to do a few posts on here, so that the information I need is here whenever I want/need it and I can come back to it whenever I want to.</p> <p>So thats the latest update and its nice to have something positive to say for a change. I'm actually smiling about little things that make me happy, maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I may have to turn back and get new batteries for my torch every now and then but the light is always there, I just need to widen my eyes and look out for it.</p> <p>=]</p> <p>xx</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/14/finally_feeling_a_little_more_positive_a~2453447/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-10:/2007/06/10/news_on_my_back~2427663/ebonyrose6662007-06-10T16:40:39+02:002007-06-10T16:40:39+02:00 <p>Hey,</p> <p>Well apart from all the stuff going on with my eating something else came up about two weeks ago to do with my back problems as a result of my trampolining accident.</p> <p>I was just about to start having my massage, when my mum asked Sam (the woman who does my back) if I was going to have back ache for the rest of my life. Sam said that it was possible and that it probably wouldn't be a bad idea for me to see a chiropractor and get it sorted properly.</p> <p>She asked me to stand uo straight against the wall so she could have a look at me, I had to stand there in my underwear whilst she looked at different points on my body. This will probably sound strange but I have always said to my mum that I feel lopsided and heavier on one side, when I looked into the mirror different parts of me always looked out of place.</p> <p>I have always told my mum this but like any of my other health problems she never took any notice and didn't seem to care.</p> <p>After being poked and proded for about ten minutes Sam told me that I <em>am</em> lopsided. My ears, my neck, the tops of my shoulders, my shoulder blades, my bottom cheeks, my knees and the backs of my ankles are all out of line. After being poked and proded some more she managed to work out that my right hip is twisting forward causing the rest of me to be all out of line.</p> <p>She said that when she first started doing my back it wasn't this bad, and that is was obviously getting worse. She also said that it could be quite serious, she had never seen someone as young as me with this problem before. The youngest she had seen was a girl who was 17, they didn't get anything done about it and by 27 she had curvature of the spine and could barely walk. I was quite upset about the whole thing, but also relieved because mum finally had no excuse not to believe what I was saying. Sam actually made her stand behind me and look how out of line I was.</p> <p>Sam told mum to ring up as soon as possible and book an appointment with the chiropractor. Of course like usual I had to keep asking mum to ring up everyday for over a week. She started getting really annoyed with me about it, and I was begining to think she never actually intended to ring them, which isn't unusual and didn't suprise me the slightest bit. Last week she finally rang them up and made me an appointment for the 18th of June, its going to be really expensive, and my mum has made a point of reminding me of this at every possible oppurtunity. </p> <p>She winds me up because what did she expect? Have children and not have to pay anything extra if something like this came along? I am really angry with her at the moment, but I wont go into that now.</p> <p>Sam also told me, when I got about 2 minutes privacy with her that all the parts that are out of line have nerve endings that are connected to the brain and if they are damaged they can actually cause mental/emotional problems or make them worse or harder to deal with.</p> <p>It was upsetting to find it all out, and to make things worse mum thinks its hilarious to be calling me loppy or twisted whenever she gets the chance, whether we have company or not.</p> <p>I just hope that I can get it sorted, and that it isn't to serious.</p> <p>xxxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/10/news_on_my_back~2427663/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-06-10:/2007/06/10/update~2427598/ebonyrose6662007-06-10T16:27:30+02:002007-06-10T16:27:30+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> Well its been a while since my last post where I was really angry with the doctor and basically just getting some of my feelings out about the issue. So this is basically an update of whats going on for me at the moment with the whole eating thing. It may be a little disjointed and confusing but thats how it is in my head, so I'm guessing thats how it will come out in here. Its more about getting the thoughts out rather than the actual things that have been going on about it, if that makes any sense? I am going to do a seperate post about the actual happenings in the last few days.</p> <p>Towards the end of my last post I mentioned having alot of motivation powered by anger, and I was scared about falling back into it all again. Well unfortunately I did, on the wednesday the 30th of May, 5 days after seeing the doctor it all came back into my head. I was doing well, I was able to eat without thinking to much about it, I felt guilty but it was controlable. But on that Wednesday night the thoughts came into my head, thick and fast, it was like within an hour I was back to square one with it all. Its so hard to see a way out of this, I was doing well and I just crashed, it was so disappointing, I was upset with myself for not being stronger and not being able to control or fight the voice in my head. Its so hard to fight the other side of me, it always wins whichever side I choose. </p> <p>For example, I am feeling hungry and I want something to eat but the voice inside my head it telling me not to have anything, so I dont. Then I end up feeling bad because I know people are trying to help me and I'm not even helping myself by eating. On the other hand I do have something to eat, afterwards I have to deal with the voice in my head telling me things because I ate, making me feel guilty, heavy and ashamed.</p> <p>I haven't told anyone but since that Wednesday I have had some of the lowest days I think I have ever had to get through. I have hidden behind the lies of feeling tired because of exams or because of having so much to do, which in a sense is definitely true therefore not a lie, but more an excuse. I have felt so low, I have been waking up in the mornings and just wanting to go back to sleep through fear of not knowing how on earth I am going to get through the day. When I walk into exams my head is spinning I feel fuzzy and I just can't think about doing the exam my head is full of all this instead.</p> <p>It is such a hard battle, every litte simple everyday thing is so trivial and difficult there is always two sides to every single activity throughout the day, one of them being the 'real' me and the other being this other side. It's so exhausting to fight yourself, I think because when you are in an arguement with somebody else you can walk away however its not like you can walk away from your mind and all the thought process' going through your head.</p> <p>When I felt myself slipping on that wednesday night I tried so hard to stop myself letting the other side in. I kept myself so busy, walking around doing things, I was doing so much so fast I was actually out of breath, just because I couldn't allow a single second of free time to seep into my head because the results would just be to bad.</p> <p>I am still feeling really confused about this whole thing, one minute I can be sat there and I get up with a smile on my face because I know I have just figured something out and made something more clearer, and then other times its just all zooming around my head, a huge, disconnected, jumbled mess. I don't know whether I want to get better yet. There is something holding me back. I need this to deal with the depression, it stops me from feeling the way that depression makes me feel. It's my way of forgetting, concentrating on not having something to eat takes my thoughts away from how crap I feel, and that feeling is caused by something I cant control, which makes it different from how crap I feel from not eating. I am the one who has made me feel hungry, and for some reason that's easier to deal with than feeling crap because of something that has happened in the past that was totally out of my control.</p> <p>I'm scared of how I will deal with the depression if and when this eating thing is gone. There are people who want to help me, people who are trying to help me and I cant even help myself by having something to eat instead of making myself go hungry. When I am faced with the possibilty of not being able to do or acheieve something, that gives me more motivation to actually get on and do it. Its been with everything from school work, to silly games. But this time, I am the one who thinks I can't do it, other people seem to think I can but I just cannot picture or imagine myself free from this in the future. I have all these hopes and dreams, and I want to do them, I know that if I don't dedicate myself completely to getting better I wont be able to acheive all my aims, hopes and dreams.</p> <p>Its hard because all the little things I have picked up and used to not eat are the things I also need to do to recover, but positively instead of negatively. Distracting yourself is a fine example. When you havent eaten you do something to distract you from how hungry you are feeling. But also when you have just eaten something you have to distract yourself from the thoughts that are creeping in and wait for them to give up their fight. I wish somehow I could have a total attitude change, I'm hoping that maybe the CBT will do something like this.</p> <p>There are some positive parts in me, and slowly they are beginging to build up, I can feel myself getting stronger but it is a really really slow process. A week of positive thinking can be taking away and broken by an hour of negative thinking, and once all that postive thinking has gone and the negatives are starting to eat away at something that isn't even there is when you hit the downward spiral, as I have done a few times the last week or so.</p> <p>I have thought myself a little sort of 'mantra', sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. It's simple and easy to remember and I'm trying my hardest to apply it to my thinking and actions. </p> <p class="center"><strong><em>'Bit by Bit, Day by Day'</em></strong></p> <p>There have been many days where I have been thinking about how I have failed again one way or another, and sometimes the positive side of me calls out 'There is always tomorrow'. I have been trying to follow that religiously the last few days, and it has been something that has got me through, counting down the hours to another day where I can simply start over. Although this hasn't worked the last few days, I keep thinking there are only so many 'off day's' I can have, and I start to feel guilty and stupid for letting myself down so many days in a row.</p> <p>I want to get better so badly, I want to break free from this, I want to have time in the day that isn't completely full of this whole eating thing. I want to break out of the traps that depression and eating have enclosed me in, its going to be so hard but I am hoping and praying that somehow, somewhere I can do it, because hopefully once I'm there, there will be no going back again.</p> <p>I keep trying to work out what this is all about, control? Yes sometimes, I am making the decision not to eat although part of me knows I am not in control as much as I like to think I am, otherwise surely I would be able to just snap out of this? I am making the deicision to not eat, but as the spiral downwards gets longer I have started to realise I am not in control at all. </p> <p>I think part of this is punishment for myself, I don't feel worthy enough to allow myself to have the enjoyment of food, instead it has got to be something I fear, something bad for me. I am weak for not being able to cope with all the things that have been thrown at me, but because I am causing myself this pain its like turning around and saying I am strong because I can do this to myself and so far I am living with it. This is something I have come to know, get used to and at times even like. I recognise the feeling, and I am trying to persuade myself by doing this I am strong.</p> <p>I know that what I need to be able to say is 'I am strong because I can walk away from this, I can deal with things without this'. But its so hard to do that, and right now, I'm not ready for it.</p> <p>Each time I kind of slip, or in the evening when I look back across the day and realise what has been done, that I failed to win against the voice, I try to dig deep down and bring out those positive thoughts, and remembering there are rare times where I do feel strong, perhaps even powerful enough to get through this and some how overcome it. Sometimes this is enough to 'forgive' myself for a bad day, sometimes its not and the guilt or shame can lie with me for days.</p> <p>I hate the way all the issue's that need sorting or coming to terms with are always always endless circles. I need to break them, I know that, but its still frustrating having to do that in the first place.</p> <p>xxx</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/06/10/update~2427598/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-05-30:/2007/05/30/thoughts_from_friday_pt~2361427/ebonyrose6662007-05-30T15:31:13+02:002007-05-30T15:31:13+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> The first of what will probably be many of my rant posts about the whole doctor and eating issue.</p> <p>First of all I am feeling slightly angry, at the doctor. Some of the things she said it was like she didn't understand like she didn't have a clue how I was feeling. When I came out from the doctor I felt so angry and wound up, and after thinking about it I have come to the conclusion that the reasons are because of her lack of understanding. I felt tense and knotted up, ready to take something or someone out. I know she is there to help me, but how can she say she is someone who knows what it feels like if she actually doesn't.</p> <p>When I make a promise I will try my damn hardest to keep it, I don't make promises I can't keep, and I never ever break them, unless its something I really can't control, and I have no other choice but to do so. </p> <p>On Friday my doctor made me promise to eat three meals a day, she told me to imagine it as something prescribed, just like my tablets. Before I go to bed I take my tablets because I have to, I should also eat 3 meals a day, because I have to. When she made me promise that did she know how difficult that would be for me? Does she not realise that if I could click my fingers and eat three meals a day just like that I wouldn't even be in this stupid mess?</p> <p>She says that she cannot help me unless I eat, that I have got to keep my physical side healthy, but doesn't she understand that its the mental side of me that is ill? The whole issue is worse in my head than it is showing on my body, the logics and the twisted way of thinking is deeper than the physical side. She told me that after a while of eating 'properly' I will start to feel the benefits physically but I'd rather be missing out on those benefits than having to deal with the mental side of myself after I have eaten something, or I get into bed with a full stomach from eating all day. Its easier to deal with the hunger pains and a stomach that feels deprieved than a head full of feelings of guilt and greed.</p> <p>Since Friday I have tried so hard, and I mean that I really have. It has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do, but I promised. I guess you could say I've done well this weekend, I have eaten what I can, it was definitely a lot more than usual, and even though I know its good because its what the doctor said and the whole thing about seeing it as 'prescribed' but that still doesn’t stop the fact I feel disgusting and greedy when I eat it all. I really really don’t think she gets it, it has been such a long, complex and exhausting battle, these last few days just to put food into my body. I didn’t expect it to be easy, but I didn’t expect it to be this hard either.</p> <p>I was really upset about the whole therapy thing, I still feel like I was pushed into it. I have weighed out the ups and downs and I'm still feeling totally lost about it. I am so so scared. Its all totally up in the air now. Its even more real than it was when I first admitted it at first. I feel like its out of my control. She said I have to trust them but I find it so hard to trust and confide in someone, I had my trust broken a few years ago. I told a friend something about myself and it ended up most of the year knowing, they wouldn’t let me forget it, and they wouldn’t just live with it. It was hard enough for me to deal with and come to terms with it without them there making fun of me and spreading it around. I have never ever been able to rebuild my trust completely, I have to know someone before I can talk to them truthfully, especially about myself. So I really dont think I am going to be able to open up to a total stranger.</p> <p>People keep telling me I can do this, I can get through this but it feels like its getting harder and harder. A friend says that it's got to get worse before it gets any better, but when I feel like things are as bad as they can get something else comes along and pushes me down further. It feels so screwed up, I just feel like I cant do it, and to be honest I just don’t want to do it anymore.</p> <p>Thinking about all this actually hurts, its the same hurt as when I think about Matt, its like there is a brick in my chest and its just pushing against everything and each time something knocks me down the brick becomes bigger and crushes another part of me. Its like a stabbing pain right in the middle of my chest. Going to the doctors felt like it did exactly that, made the brick bigger and made everything more painful to think about and deal with.</p> <p>I feel panicky and anxious just thinking about all of this. I have been having panic attacks during the night for the first time in quite a while, which just shows me how deep this is and how much it is affecting me without me even knowing.</p> <p>I have all this motivation powered by anger and I just dont have the energy to do anything with it. I feel like even though I have eaten relatively well the last few days I feel like I could slip back, I have the motivation behind me to just not eat, to hide everything, back away into a corner and do it all over again. Part of me wants to do it, I don't know why but I just do. Its only been a few days but I miss the feeling of it. Its like having a tattoo the addictive pain, thats exactly how it is.</p> <p>Its taking all of the little energy I have to stop myself from slipping back, it really is exhausting and draining and I know it woud take less energy to fall back in to that downward spiral and keep doing it, doing what I know best, not caring where it would take me or what it could do to me, than to be fighting it by putting into myself, making myself feel heavy, sick, greedy, disgusting and guilty.</p> <p>xxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/05/30/thoughts_from_friday_pt~2361427/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-05-30:/2007/05/30/my_plan~2361418/ebonyrose6662007-05-30T15:29:59+02:002007-05-30T15:29:59+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> Because this whole eating thing keeps interupting everything I do, thoughts keep creeping in when I am in the middle of doing something I have decided that instead of letting everything build up and letting it all go at once causing me to totally crash and end up lower than I already am, I have made a plan to let it out bit by bit. </p> <p>Whenever I feel the need to get something out or whenever something comes into my head about the whole issue I am going to just get it out. By the end of it I expect there will be a few posts, and chances are they maybe a bit repetitive but the thing is as long as I can just get it out of my system it doesnt matter. Some posts could be quite long whilst others just short, this is basically a plan for my convienience, to stop this whole thing from bringing me down.</p> <p>xxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/05/30/my_plan~2361418/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-05-28:/2007/05/28/an_update~2351112/ebonyrose6662007-05-28T21:51:45+02:002007-05-28T21:51:45+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> This is about the fourth or fifth time I have sat down to try and write this. I haven't posted for quite a while now, well not properly at least. The reason I haven't posted is basically because I haven't been able to find the time to sit down as I like to and dedicate some quality time to writing a post. I have been so busy its unbelievably what with exams and everything else its been go go go non stop for the last few weeks, and the reason I have taken four or five goes to actually write this is because I am so exhausted right now, there has been a lot go on for me this last fortnight and it feels like its all to much to soon. But this blog is always here when I need it and right now that’s what I need, to post about the whole 'issue' going on in my life at the moment.</p> <p>On the 14th of May, I had my prom, otherwise known as a leavers ball. It was a brilliant night and I really enjoyed it but what I didn’t realise is it was going to be a trigger to a build up of feelings that I had been having the last few months. My whole eating problem had come back with a vengeance. It was really full on and between Tuesday morning and Thursday morning I became tangled up in it all again. I decided that I needed to talk to someone and did so on Thursday. We talked a bit but it was hard to talk about my feelings about my eating to someone. The person I spoke to gave me her email address and that night I sent her an email, in which I was totally honest with her, as well as myself. It was quite an intense email but she replied and from there we decided it would be a good idea to share the way I am feeling with either my counsellor or my doctor. She offered to come with me to see the counsellor or if the school would allow it to come with me to the doctors for support and to have someone there who really knows me and all this.</p> <p>After thinking and talking quite a bit I decided I felt uncomfortable with telling the counsellor so I made the choice of going to the doctors, with the support and assistance of this lady. I was nervous and totally scared about freezing up in front of the doctor because I knew how hard it was to talk to the other person about it. </p> <p>Anyway, we went down to the doctors last Friday (the 25th) in the afternoon, after school. I was really nervous but I knew it was something I had to do. I first talked about my tablets and then moved on to talk about my eating. I told her that whereas before it was a physical thing not being able to swallow and feeling sick afterwards it has now become a mental/emotional thing. I couldn't tell her anymore and like I had feared- I froze up. The person I had emailed had printed the email off just in case this was going to happen and I decided that now was the time to show the doctor. There was an awkward (and what seemed very long) silence whilst she read the email, afterwards she asked more questions which I tried my hardest to answer but felt I didn't do very well.</p> <p>After some talking my doctor decided I should see one of their counsellors at the surgery, she was going on and on talking about this, that and the other and what they can do for me. She also talked about me now working alongside their 'Eating Disorder Team' in order to get better again. She told me that I needed to start eating three meals a day no matter what, and that they cannot help me unless I eat. At this point she had to take a phone call and asked us to go outside the room and wait, this was ideal because I was able to talk to the lady that had brought me down about it all. </p> <p>I told her exactly what I was thinking, that I wouldn't be able to go into the surgery and talk to someone there, it was to much to soon. I wanted to keep it all at school, that way it seemed more together and organised. I told her it would be a waste of everyone’s time and facilities to try and get me in there to talk to someone because it had taken me 4 months to open up to my counsellor properly when I first started seeing her a while back, and it took me this long to finally confide in her about the whole eating thing. Luckily she understood and told me that when we went back in there with the doctor I should tell her this.</p> <p>I told the doctor most of what I told miss outside the room, and I told her that the thought of coming in and opening up to someone completely new made talking to my counsellor about it seem a lot less scary, but my doctor explained to me that I would need to talk to someone with certain skills and I would need to have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in order to get any better. Somehow she managed to sit me there and talk to me and I changed my mind, I don’t know how or why because its something I didn't want to do, and I don’t really want to do it now, but for some reason I said ok to it.</p> <p>When I came out of the doctors I was angry, not with the doctor but with the whole thing, the depression, the eating and all the other stupid little things that come along with it. I was angry at myself, why couldn't I just kick myself get back up and carry on? Deal with things like everyone else manages to? Why do I have to do all this in order to get somewhere? What did I do wrong to have to end up dealing with all this? I couldn't stop asking questions. I felt angry and totally exhausted, I wanted to scream, just hit something, cry anything to get a release. I tried to do a post but I was that tired I couldn’t even concentrate.</p> <p>Since Friday I have been wanting to sit down and actually go through all the crazy stuff going through my head but have just not been able to find the strength or energy to do it. I know I have been through it here but this is what happened, things that were said and the outcomes. There is so much more to it, and it all lies in my head. There are so many thoughts, opinions and feelings that are all jumbled up, racing around trying to grab something it can connect to. I so desperately want to think it all out and make myself feel more settled and clearer but for some reason I just cant. I can feel within me there is a rant, something that needs venting but I cant seem to find the words to describe the feelings that are so all over the place inside me.</p> <p>Its so confusing and I feel like I have been walking around doing everything in a dazed confusion, I am not myself, I cannot concentrate, I cannot balance, I feel drowsy and just like a zombie walking around. My mind goes blank and it probably sounds ridiculous but I feel like one of those drawings where the eyes are just totally black and empty. I feel empty and hollow, yet I feel full, waiting to burst or explode, everything to start pouring out of me. I guess that time will come when I am ready.</p> <p>xxxxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/05/28/an_update~2351112/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-05-21:/2007/05/21/title~2311237/ebonyrose6662007-05-21T22:34:42+02:002007-05-21T22:34:42+02:00 <p>Hey,<br> A poem I wrote about the whole thing that has been with me over the last few days.</p> <p><em><strong>I hate the way,<br> You occupy my mind,<br> I hate the way,<br> You sometimes seem kind,</p> <p>I hate the way,<br> You fill every hour,<br> I hate the way,<br> I'm supposed to have power,</p> <p>I hate the way,<br> You take over so fast,<br> I hate the way,<br> You wont stay in the past,</p> <p>I hate the way,<br> You've become my friend,<br> I hate the way,<br> I dont want it to end,</p> <p>I hate it when,<br> I give in and eat,<br> I hate it when,<br> Thoughts are hard to beat,</p> <p>I hate it when,<br> I don't know what to do,<br> I hate it when,<br> I turn to you,</p> <p>I hate the fact,<br> Your the only way,<br> I hate the fact,<br> You get me though each day,</p> <p>I hate you because,<br> I want to be free,<br> I hate you because,<br> Your a part of me,</p> <p>I hate the fact,<br> I can't work you out,<br> I hate the fact,<br> You make me want to shout,</p> <p>You've sucked me in,<br> Disturbed my thoughts,<br> Your a love hate trap,<br> In which I am caught,</p> <p>The stupid thing is,<br> I want to let go,<br> But your the thing,<br> I completely know,</p> <p>I want you to stay,<br> Be with me forever,<br> But I hate you so much,<br> You seem so clever,</p> <p>You've twisted and turned,<br> Every part of me,<br> I want you gone,<br> But I dont want you to leave.</strong></em> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/05/21/title~2311237/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:ebonyrose.blog.co.uk,2007-05-21:/2007/05/21/stuck_confused~2311229/ebonyrose6662007-05-21T22:32:53+02:002007-05-21T22:32:53+02:00 <p>Hey,</p> <p>I feel confused, stuck and full of thoughts that just keep colliding, and are each the complete opposite of each other. It feels like my head is full of battles, little fights and one liner arguements leaving me with a result that is painful no matter which choice I make.</p> <p>I'm back here again, my mind has been taken over by these intrusive thoughts, I'm stuck back in the middle of what feels like oblivion, and the funniest thing is I dont even know what triggered me, what brought it all back, and so quickly, I feel like I'm at the deepest I have ever been of this particular issue and its only taken me a matter of days to fall into this downward spiral and end up confused, hurt and just exhausted from constantly having these thoughts intruding upon everything, my time, my daily activities and my mental/emotional state.</p> <p>So the whole 'eating' thing has returned, in full flow its taken from thursday last week until today (monday) to really knock me down again and fuck me up.</p> <p>Every little decision I make is influenced by the stupid things going through my head.</p> <p>It had all started creeping back in but I had ignored it, blamed it on stress, lied to myself that it was just the pressure of exams making me loose my appetite, and then last thursday morning I literally woke up and it was all there, I know how ridiculour that sounds but it was like overnight that it all started, or got worst at least. So on thursday I was in total panic, scared of where it was going again, so I went to speak to the pastoral support woman at school, who I have spoken to previously. I spent alot of time in her office over thrusday and friday just talking things through, but there were alot of things I just couldn't bring myself to say, either through embarrassment or guilt. At the end of thursday she gave me her email address, so that night I wrote an email, saying alot of the things that were going on in my head, she read it and replied on friday morning and I went back to her to speak about it after I read her reply. </p> <p>Its so hard, I am being pulled two ways, I have two people inside of me each with their own minds, which are incredibly strong and complex. One of these people is the one that wants to be thin, wants to have control and just doesnt want to eat. The other person is the one who knows what is good for them, but for some reason just cant seem to get through.</p> <p>I've got people helping me, and I feel so guilty because the sick side of me doesnt want the help, I want to become dangerously thin, that sounds so totally disgusting I can imagine, but I need to prove to myself its something I can do, I have the strength and the ability to perhaps brush with death and be able to bring myself out the other side.</p> <p>I feel ashamed, why can't I just sort myself out, I feel like I have eaten an awful lot this weekend, but I know that it is probably just an average/normal amount, but I feel guilty for eating it,like I dont deserve to! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ebonyrose.blog.co.uk/2007/05/21/stuck_confused~2311229/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>